Lack of support network, and other things that may damage our chances?

[murielspark]

Hi, and first of all sorry – this is going to be another one of those ‘what are our chances?’ type questions that I hope aren’t too annoying. I’ve been reading and thinking about adoption for about six months now, with a view to mentally preparing myself and my husband for the possibility of future adoption. We’re currently undergoing fertility investigations and I’m fully aware that any such treatment should be a closed book before starting the adoption process, but it’s nevertheless a subject I’m interested in anyway, and something I feel I want to do in the future, whatever happens with our fertility. This forum has been a fascinating read, and even though I’m just a lurker, I’m grateful for it.

I’m worried though about the criteria and our suitability in a SW’s eyes. Some things about us that I feel might go against us:

1. we both have PhDs, which I’m aware from reading this forum can be off-putting (which to me seems ridiculous, but hey). We have zero academic snobbery and are both from working/lower middle class backgrounds, and would have no desire to push a child down any particular route. Their life is for them.

2. I have had a quite problematic background. One of the upshots of this was that last year I traced my biological father only to learn he had died three years ago and I would never meet him. My mother had lied to me my whole life about where I came from, telling me he died before I was born, and was unsympathetic when I found out the sad truth. I’m not sure what a SW would make of that – would it go against me? It has strengthened my belief the importance of being open with children about where they come from and who they are, and I do feel I could relate quite well to an adopted child emotionally because of certain hardships I’ve been through in my own childhood (including periods of homelessness, and being sent off to live with my uncle, of whom I was scared, for a year). Would I have to assure the SW that the child wouldn’t have contact with my mother though?

3. we don’t have much of a support network where we live. We live in Aberdeenshire, and my husband’s family all live in Ireland, and my mother lives about 500 miles south. We have friends through my husband’s work (I work from home on a very casual basis), but we live in a village where we don’t know anyone. We always assumed that having a child is when support networks start to grow – through mother and baby groups, nursery, school, etc. But with adoption, we would need those sorts of networks all in place to begin with, and this concerns me. We’re not religious or particularly community-oriented. How do/did you build up the kind of support networks they look for?

4. we’re vegan. The child’s needs would come before this of course, and we would be happy to feed our adopted child/ren the diet they asked for and are used to, for as long as they continued to want it. But we wouldn’t eat animal products ourselves, and if the child asked us about that we would tell them our reasons. I’m worried that a SW might allow a certain prejudice about what s/he thinks vegans are like to colour her/his opinion of us. Many people think vegans are oddballs or ‘extremists’. We’re not, we’re perfectly normal people, but I just have this worry that it’ll go hugely against us.

Sorry, this has been long. Some good things about us just to balance it out:

• we are kind and caring people who have a lot of love to give
• my husband has a good job and we own a four-bedroom family home with a big garden in a quiet village in the countryside
• we’ve been together 10 years, married for 2, and our relationship is rock solid and very loving
• I’m based at home and only work (freelance writer) when I want to, so I would have lots of time to devote to the child/ren

So sorry this has been so long. It’s the result of months of ruminating on the subject with no-one knowledgeable to talk to about it. I’d be really grateful for any replies. I think of all our issues, number 3 concerns me the most. I'm a bit scared that they would reject us outright.

yy to gender stereotyping - on dd's PAR form (or whatever it's called) they wrote that she was wearing 'gender appropriate clothing'. She was 6 months old.

And yy to the ritual humiliation. In the end, my sw was absolutely lovely. But I've certainly met the other kind. Smile and wave, smile and wave...

LOL at gender appropriate clothing.

DS aged 9 has a favourite polo shirt that is bright pink. Several mothers have commented how much is suits him and added " I'm surprised you can get him to wear that colour " . Bizarre. DH has several pink shirts and no one ever makes comments about him.

Sorry for thread derail Muriel

Muriel -it's not the certain agencies can't place certain types of children. It's just that they don't have them to place.

For example, you may decide that you wish to adopt a child under 12 months with no additional needs and no family history of mental illness or substance misuse. Your agency may only place one such child every year and have four families already approved and waiting . You can do the maths.

You won't get a child like this on the interagency adoption registers, as they will be immediately placed in their own or an adjacent area.

Some agencies will not even accept applications from white families who wish to adopt this kind of child, as demand seriously outstrips supply . They can't afford to waste resources assessing a family they don't need .

OTOH, if you are wiling to parent a sibling group of two or more boys aged 4-8, most agencies will bite your hand off

Oh I see what you mean. In that case, I don't think we need to worry too much - I think it would be naive (not to mention restrictive) to enter the adoption process only willing to consider babies with no problems. DH and I would be looking at children 0 - 7 probably, and would consider sibling groups of two, and don't mind the gender, and would consider children of substance abusers (preferably not alcohol though) and/or people with MH issues, and neglect survivors. Possibly physical abuse survivors too depending on the nature of it, and pending further research into how to parent such children. I hope that sounds realistic. I feel quite horrible about making such stark choices and writing off children of a certain age like that. It really makes you feel weird about yourself.

And I will be honest and say I'd like a younger child (surely most adopters coming from an infertility background would), but I don't mind if that child comes with a troubling history, or if that child has an older sibling, because we'd be happy to look at older children too.

I think you sound very realistic. To be honest those with less child care experience would be usually seen as more suitable for a younger child on the basis that you can learn as the child grows. Don't think you should say you will take any child because you think that's what "they" want to hear as they might think you're naive. Of course as a childless couple you are highly likely to prefer a younger child. A massive family network of children is not always helpful, there is often instinct involved in feeling love for a neice or nephew, not so much for an unrelated child. One of my key questions is how do you relate to a child yyou don't initially warm to?

Personally I wouldn't downplay anything. I think how you had think roached the issues is thoughtful and totally relevant. Remember you're not just there to deal with the sw. If there is an issue that you/they have not addressed it may well be picked up in panel (far worse).Should ypu have anyvany issue with a social worker there is a process to follow to address this and I don't for a minute thinkyou would need it.

If your dp already has experience with children he may not need any more especially if he can evidence it with a reference. What about him reading once a week in a school for a few weeks (in lunch break?) if he wants to do some more.

Sorry about the typos, hard to type on phone. Second para should be "how you have approached the issues".

Sorry to go on, just one last thought. What you are considering sounds great re experience but just consider the age of the children. If you are looking for babies and it relates to teenagers it won't be as relevant. If you could fit in that and gym coaching with the youngest classes that would be great (as you will have a range to help you with future years) but obvs not necessarily poss.