Letterbox if you've changed the child's name. Also photos.

[MooseyMouse]

Hi everyone

We changed our son's name when he came to us. We did this partly for tracing reasons and partly because our other kids have names from one culture and he had a name from another making him "stand out" (someone joked "guess which one is adopted") - like having two adults and two kids with French names and a third child with a Welsh name).

We did the first letterbox contact before we met his birth mum and we avoided using a name for him. When she met us she specifically asked whether we would change his name. She was dived on by the social workers and told there were some questions she wasn't allowed to ask. She has some minor learning disability so may not have taken their reaction as confirmation that his name was changed.

We're approaching the second letterbox and I'm wondering whether we need to let her know his name has been changed (but not what to). I don't know if it's fair to allow her to continue thinking of him in his old name and I'd feel weird calling him that in a letter. I can probably avoid any name but it makes for some tricky sentence structures!

Also photos. Our letterbox agreement says no pictures. She owns loads of pictures of him up to the point we adopted him and she asked if we would send pictures with letterbox.

When we worry about pictures making a child traceable how exactly would that work? I know people can find duplicate images using Google but I don't put his image online so no duplicates exist. Facial recognition software will indoubtedly get better but she already has photos of him so I suppose this would already be a risk.

Basically I'm asking whether, if we send photos, are we increasing the risk of tracing?

That was a longer post than I intended! Thanks for reading - I'll be interested to read your thoughts.

Hi Moosey mouse,
ds bm asked me the same question. We haven't changed his name but have changed the spelling, but we told her we weren't changing his name at all. I still use the old spelling in letter box.
We don't send photos because I am sure she would put them on Facebook. I have been thinking about this a lot recently I might send a photo next time but she would have to come and see in the social services office. Could that be a option?

No do not send photos of that was your agreement then stick to it don't let sympathy for BP cloud your judgement

Who's benefit are the pictures for there not for your child's I understand your concern about tracing however I really don't think this is the issue I think it's about why you want to send photos ECt I don't mean to sound callus but I think contact needs to be about the child not the BP it's not our job to placate the loss of there child
I feel this is far to often what contact with BP is really about and it's not right at all.
Keep the boundaries that were agreed or you may have trouble enforcing them down the line.

Also on the names op don't explain the names changes to us who the hell are we to judge you are Los mum and if you want to change then name then that's what you do for whatever reason

Thanks both.

Cedar - yes, sending photos to be viewed at soc serv would be an option. Maybe that'd be a halfway house.

Fusedog - I am a bit of a rescuer and I suppose I am trying to be kind to birth mum. She did her best for him. Just couldn't learn how to look after him so I feel she's "blameless". I suppose I feel her needs more keenly than my son's regarding contact because he's still so little and pre-verbal so it's hard to imagine what he'll want/need in future.

And Fusedog - thanks v much for what you said about his name. It's lovely not to have to justify it.

We changed our AD's name and there are to be no photographs in our letterbox. When we wrote our first letter, we did not use her birth name but wrote it by using words such as: she can count to ten and we have taken her to.... We then signed the letter from the adoptive parents. I do not think that you should tell BM of the change and certainly not send a photograph.

My DH works in IT and was adamant when going through our home study that he would never agree to exchange photographs. This being because of the advancements in face recognition software and the fact that quite soon it will readily available to us to use. I know of an adopter that when they met BM, a picture was taken of them by her (who was educated) for the purpose to use to find them in the future!

Personally, I think if you do tell her you may suffer the consequences in the future. For example, Another user posted about an article in the DM where BM searched for her AD through Facebook by contacting everyone with that name. I know of lots of adopters who have had there family torn apart because unsolicited contact from BF. Also, have you considered that the letterbox coordinator may not agree with you doing this also as obviously there was a reason as to why there are to be no photographs etc.

Hi

I don't know about names as we didn't change ours, but I would think if you did it for reasons of traceability best not to tell birth mum. Can see that's a hard one though.

The concern about photos is that the bps may put them on Facebook, and the image might reach someone who knows your child in real life. For ours we send photos but to be viewed at social services offices. Obviously choosing photos without identifiable location. In our situation I find this a reasonable compromise. If you'd like to send a photo I think I would talk to letterbox people and get it agreed through them - this would let you state clearly any conditia

... Oops

Conditions you feel necessary eg photos not to be taken out of SS offices.

Good luck!

poster MooseyMouse I do understand and I don't think this is a question of being mean to BP to punish more so

that our only focus as adopters should be whats best for our child and I can't see how photos help the child they only serve to help the BP

The children have had so many people in their lives who's priorty was others This period in there life should be about them and them only

Every thing I do is only to service my child's needs I keep letter box contact but only to rouse a response for my lo

I don't send pictures because they don't serve a purpose for my lo

its not about punishing or blame it's about your lo being the only focus and no one else

Just know if you so stray from the agreement you have made along with ss it's likey if things get ugly eg her putting pictures up on line or her taking pictures of the picture she views at SS you will likely have really trouble re establishing boundaries.

MooseyMouse I don't think you need to tell her of the name change. I actually feel that if you have changed it and then do not want to say what it has been changed to, it seems quite hard for her to know it was changed but not what to. Much better for her to think of child by the name she gave. That is my personal opinion. If you have changed it, it was for good reasons and you don't need to justify it to her.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your input.

PS this is what I would do about the letter box thing, I would use paper with the old name printed at the top and then write the letter without referring to the name.

I expect for her he will always be little XYZ and so if you have now called him ABC she would be sad if you said we have changed it but I can't tell you what to! If you had changed it to the most popular boys name ever you might feel OK to tell her, your call, or might still want to keep it private.

Likewise with a spelling change, unless you are willing to say what the spelling change is, why say the spelling has been changed.

This whole subject is very hard and such a massive pain in the backside, I wish people could just keep their names and not worry.

If you don't send a photo it cannot be stolen from the SS offices, it can't be photographed there while someone's back is turned, it can't accidentally be posted to them.

I'm massively keen on contact but as PP have said it's for the child's benefit not for that of others. And mistakes happen and technology gets better and none of us know what will happen in 15 years time. So I would always err on the side of caution.

Photos of my child (i am a birth mum) are kept by the local authority and I can only view them. I do not get to keep them. I get to keep drawings he does however, and asked whewhether they would do me his hand prints which they sent with their first letter

I would like to know if my child's name had been changed. How will she feel in years to come if she has a tattoo done and it's the wrong name! I am going to have my ds's nickname. He will always be my bump (i was huge hence the nickname bump before birth) and therefore no one can change that

But Miracle, wouldn't it be terribly hard knowing that the name was changed but not knowing what to? I agree with Italian: unless you're going to share the new name (and why would you, unless you are having direct contact) then it is kinder not to let on about the name change. Which means using the birth name. This is not ideal but then none of this is ideal, is it?

I'd be interested to hear from adopters of older children about their feelings on this, and particularly on how it feels to see contact letters that use their old name.

But arent adoptees going to ask why do my birth parents call me something different? And If there's no security issue ask why their birth parents werent told.

i want bump tatttooed on my wrist. And forget me not on the other wrist.

I'm assuming that in most cases where a child is renamed there are security issues. As you say, if there are no security concerns then bps could be told.

Miracle.... It wouldn't be the "wrong" name, it would be the name their adoptive mummy and daddy gave them.... And it would all be part of the backstory that we have to help our children accept and understand as they grow.

Thanks all.

Italian - I really like your idea of putting his old name at the top of the page then avoiding using any name in the text.

The security issue isn't the birth mum, but those around her.

I suppose I was trying to treat her as I would want to be treated. So that, if they meet in future, there isn't a bombshell to be dropped "by the way, my name isn't X any more".

I think those who have said I need to make sure the decision prioritises my child's needs are right and of course knowing whats right is always a bit of a guessing game.

Through writing this I've realised that I've been assuming that a reunion is inevitable and it isn't.

Re photos - I suppose I was thinking that, since she has lots anyway, does sending more add to the risk? The letterbox people really don't seem bothered one way or the other. When we met the birth mum and she asked for pics we were told to have a think about it.

Anyway, you've given me lots to think about. Thanks.

PS I've just read this back and it's pretty jumbled! I'll blame the fact that it's the middle of the night and I've got a cold.

As far as pics are concerned if you aren't happy sending photos you could send drawings the child has done and hand prints. I know these mean a lot more to me than a photo that the local authority keep as I am allowed to keep these as you can't trace a 3 year old from paintings or hand prints

I refused point blank to share handprints, as sending unique biometric identifiers seems rather foolish. Photos can only be viewed at SS offices but not taken out.

I agree with Italian - either change the name and let BP know what it now is; keep the name; or change but don't tell BP that's what you have done.

Would the birth parents not already have done handprints though? In fairness what are they going to use them for that they can't the ones they already have? For me I can compare my hand size to his and it gives me a sense of being close to him.

But I suppose everyone has their own reasons and own unique journey. I can't see the harm in sharing paintings or drawings though. An average three year old is pretty much scribble and therefore though these pictures mean the world to their parents (both sets) the value in tracing is practically none

Fair point, Miracle - and I agree about pictures. DD churns them out by the bucketload at the moment and we are very happy to send a couple on to her BP

Miracle - exactly. That's really what I'm wondering: given that the birth family already have photos and handprints, is there any security risk in proving more?

Yes of course there is would you recognise someone in the street you only have two pictures of from when they were 1 my child's birth mother has pictures of lo but has none now and won't have any more so it's very unlikely of she saw lo out and about she would recognise her but if she had been getting pictures in intervals right up until the age of 10 or 11 that my be different also you never know who knows someone you know.

And like I say please tell me how send a photo of your child benefits your child ??????

every thing we do as adopters should be about our child the whole reason why they were removed because there BP in the main life was about self or others especially pictures the children may not want them to have you can always give pictures at a later date but of there given then that's it yu can never remove them

You should not get caught up in placating the BP loss it's not out job and quite frankly ss do enough of that for us all all the time spend worrying about what photo to send BP is there any thing that could give away location ECt you could be doing something with your Los I personally think this was not agreed from the outset for a reason and I think because it's wasn't if anything happens boundaries will be hard to re astablish I seen this happen so many times and the up shot was they wish they had stuck to the original agreement

can i just say photos I understand however drawings why can't I have some? It helps the birth parents to feel they are still in some ways a part of the Childs life and therefore encourages contact to continue. If you felt cut out of your child's life would you want to keep writing letters to the people who are doing such? No you wouldnt. You would stop sending the letters. Maybe still write them but stop sending them.

As for social services helping us birth parents they dont! I am still waiting for responses from emails sent in Octoberr! We are seen as unimportant and someone else's problem. They only need to look after the child. Should we feel suicidal and end up killing ourselves. Well great solves everyones problems.

Add message | Report | Message poster OurMiracle1106 Wed 09-Apr-14 08:14:43

Sorry but I feel you last comment was a little emotive and the fact of someone saying if I don't get xxxx I will kill my self if why I would only engage on a very basic level with no photos or drawing because I cannot and will not get involved in BP emotional drama