Question abt matching

[Choccyjules]

I have a feeling this has been covered before, sorry if so.

Our LA says they only show one family one child's details at once. So since last week we have been considering a particular child and have so far had the CPR and the later Medical Report from the LA's medical advisor, a paediatrician. Strangely we were sent the full CPR straight away, not just a profile.

I would really find it helpful to know who else is waiting for a family in our LA, to give me a feel for where this child is in terms of needs. This is not necessarily to look for an 'easier' option. I know every child we consider will have some kind of extra need, whether this is due to loss, neglect, trauma, disability etc. I find it very hard, however, to say yes while wondering who is next on their list of 'children to show us'. This is a lifelong decision, after all.

I am finding it hard to 'just know'. This is the first CPR we have seen. This could be our child. But so could the next one and how would we know?!

So what is my question? Basically, is this how matching works? I am sure I have read of situations where prospective adopters are shown a number of profiles at once. I suppose in three months or so we can look nationally at everyone...

Am finding it all so emotional and draining.

Chocy I agree it is frustrating the one at a time thing, and slow.

Chocy and 64x32x24 IMHO I think it is competition, both ways. The children are effectively in competition with each other and we, as prospective adopters, are in competition with each other. It doesn't matter normally because not each parent set would be good for each child/sibling group etc, but of course sometimes there will be cross over where one parent/couple would be great for a number of children and vice versa.

Those children do not know they are in competition with each other. Until they get older and work it out. At the moment there are a lot more children than prospective adopters, so we hear, so that is sad for the children.

We, as prospective adopters, do not always know how many other couples may be interested in a child. It mighty be left as open ('there are other adopters interested' etc).

Personally, I felt I needed to trust the system to some degree that the social workers sometimes have some knowledge of the child and some knowledge of us and some knowledge of an overview. Not full knowledge, just an over view at times!

The Family finder in our case identified a small number of families for our child and then the child's social worker chose. They chose us because of things in our history and family make up that made us a good match. It was not personal.

64x32x24 you said ... The child's family finder will now come visit you and assess you and rank you... and the idea that the child's family finder somehow has an ability to predict which set of adopters would be 'best' for the child.

I am not sure they always come and visit you. In one case for us they did suggest that and in the other they did not.

I think they base their decisions on what you will be able to do for the child based on your experiences etc and your history, things you have experienced in the past like having coped with a certain situation in your immediate family or wider family, or voluntary work that may have prepared you for some stuff. I am sure they make mistakes but I also feel they have access to a lot of information that may help them make decisions.

Also we still have the choice to accept a match so the social workers do not hold all the cards, so to speak!

As you know, we had to push to be able to see multiple profiles not one by one.

PPS but in the end we accepted a one-by-one profile because it felt right and I now feel 100% certain of the choices we had it was the right one.

Sometimes, I think you do just know, but maybe not always. But I hated hearing that as I felt it was impossible to just know, but when it came down to it, I did!

For me that does not mean I have any special powers but that the family finder and child's social worker did a pretty good job. They also both missed the bit where we said preference for a girl! Which I am eternally grateful for!

We saw a total of 7 CPRs and only two were girls so in a way if we had stuck to 'girl preference' (in our area) we may have been limited our choices greatly or waited longer. And as it turned out I did not really have a preference at all, I just thought I did!

I had turned down a few boys and I was not sure how much their being boys fed into it. On reflection I feel now it did not at all! It was about them as people. But it was very hard and stressful and I ended up praying in tears because I found it all so hard. It only took us 5 months (just under) to get our match after approval and those 5 months were the most stressful of the whole adoption time!

Hope this helps, Chocy. Helps to make you feel you are not alone in finding it all stressful. I did.