Meeting foster family soon - top tips, please

[Italiangreyhound]

Yes, I know my experience will be different to yours but want to get some ideas, please. Meeting foster family soon - top tips, please.

We are preparing a massive list if questions (at least 30) which we will have ready but let them talk and just fill in answers as they tell us stuff then ask only those items not asked.

So far have got things like favourite food/colour/toy/song/TV programmes
Things they are scared of
Bedtime routine
Bath time routine
Going swimming - what they like and do not like
Walking together, staying close or running off
Bedroom/what they will bring
Shy with new people
Weight and Height
Etc

Top tips, pm me if you want to say something personal/private.

A MILLION thanks.

It's a really exciting and scary time and I wish I had known about that list! I just second whoever above said to get information about the birth family - my intros were a bit hard-going as FC went into meltdown and they were cut short, DS moved in with me having no idea about his bedtime routine or even what he wore to bed etc. But my biggest regret is not taking the chance to get more info his birth family - the FC had a lot of contact with them but during intros I was so focussed on the practicalities that I didn't ask much (and I also expected contact with FC would continue so didn't realise it was my only chance). Info about the birth family is such a valuable thing to have for your child's future so get as much as you can.
Good luck

ps just to add that for those who think I might be being judgy about the FC - I completely understand why she went into meltdown and can't do contact - she utterly adored my DS and provided him with wonderful care and just really struggled with letting him go

Re Italian - is this the meeting before you go to approval panel?

Yes.

So exciting Italian - can't add anything to the amazing lists above, but just wanted to wish you the best of luck with the meet.

Thank you so much for all these helpful suggestions.

I’ve been following the board for a few weeks and haven’t felt I’ve anything to add or contribute until now, as I find the contributions of so many experienced adopters and also of those experiencing the process for the first time, like us, so useful.

But finally tonight I feel I’ve something (albeit light-hearted and not necessarily helpful) to add.

We have biological children (4 and 2) and we’re linked to a 1 year old; we’re meeting the FC shortly. We’re getting our DS’s involved as much as possible and so asked them what they wanted to ask the FC about their new sibling.

The responses, mainly from our 4 year old, were quite funny, but at the same time highlighted to us the importance of seeing adoption through children’s eyes, eg. really respecting how important the little things are, like getting the right bread and the usual plate (as many in this thread have stressed already).

So just for some comic relief, and admittedly not being that useful in answering the original question set by Italian, here’s what our DS’s want to ask the FC:

1. What colour plates does she have? (we were having tea at the time)
2. What colour walls does she have in her bedroom?
3. Does she like swimming?
4. Has she ever been on a bike/ train or in a car?
5. Has she got a teddy in her cot?, and what is the teddy’s name?
6. Has she had a bath before? (!) and does she like showers?
7. Does she not like the horrible yellow medicine too?
8. What kind of bread does she like?
9. Is she allowed chocolate buttons?
10. Does she like Octonauts? If so, does she prefer Octonauts or Peppa Pig?
11. What football team does she support?
12. Has she ever been on a horse?

We realise that the list offered says a lot about how our DS’s see the new arrival in relation to themselves etc.

I would suggest to anyone who has BC or AC in the nest already and is progressing toward introducing a new adopted sibling, getting the existing cohort to list questions was, if anything, amusing. I can’t wait to haul the list out again when they’re all teenagers.

Exciting times for you Italian.

I would add a slightly cynical extra. Be circumspect in your relationship with fc. Professionally courteous. My dd's fc told me a whole load of rubbish about dd... In hindsight I should have taken it with a pinch of salt and not seen her as the gospel about dd. Children change so much in their forever families. The child the fc described is not the child who is living with me now. Also, I was overly friendly with fc (my fault) and I think it made it harder for dd to separate our roles in her mind.

But don't let me rain on your parade. It is truly exciting to find out about your Lo as a real life small person not just a profile

WeLoveLego that's brilliant What is the 'yellow medicine'?

As you say a really interesting perspective. We have a bc and are hoping to go to panel next month - will be bloody interested in what dd wants to ask if/when we get that far

Have now got 170 questions, from 13 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WeLoveLego hilarious, thank you.

Namechanges, the 'yellow medicine' is antibiotics! The DS's both absolutely hate having the yellow antibiotics! I think they're either worried that their new sibling might like the yellow medicine, and so show them up, or they're showing genuine empathy with her...I mean who likes that stuff?!

It was kind of pineapple flavour, if I remember rightly, Dd had it a lot for ear infections. She quite liked it I think!! ha ha, knew she was different!

As you know my introductions week was a car crash, so I'm not the ideal person for this, but I did find it very helpful to keep reminding myself of 3 things:

• that, whatever was going down between me and the fc, she was the one who walked my dd up and down all through the night when she was having a horrendous first few months, who took her to difficult and upsetting contact visits, who took this poor little scrap of suffering baby out of special care and nurtured her into a happy bouncy little girl. That debt can never be repaid;

• our fc was hurting, really hurting, at having to say goodbye to dd. So a little gentleness and understanding on my part, and a great deal of respectful affirmation of her expertise, went a long way;

• that I was the parent, and even though I had to wear this lightly and tactfully during that week, from there on I would be the one with this child, and I had to use every moment of that time to arm myself with the knowledge and resources to make the transition as easy as possible for dd.

Wow never read so many list's, you will know all come the time, met some new parents a few weeks ago all went well, just be natural relaxed this way you will feel at ease and not forget important things., All children will have different needs and history, and lots more information will be forth coming at further meetings and introductions, There is realistically not enough time too cover all these aspect's on the 1st meeting. Would discuss however if you could supply photo's of yourself/s and house family , video's at the soonest possible time. This is what we ask of every prospective adoptee., on 1st visit we reassure parents we have full weekly diary of child's life since placement with us , memory box, and life story book , medical history and red book. and look at lots of photo's , never had any problems.

We ask for A4 head and shoulder Photos of new parents and siblings these we laminate and place in child's room if child is young with older children it's choice they are shown and left around available for them.
Its very gratifying and a warm feeling too see a child's reaction at recognition of their new parents at their 1st meeting. Happy for you and wish you all best.

Aah so happy for you IGH - exciting times! I think the last 2 posts are brill - Devora's and fasparent - foster carers are usually very busy people and some of the childmind as well as foster and have their own kids. I think the most important thing is to try to make a good relationship with them (they do vary from really welcoming to a bit dismissive...especially if they are not in favour of the plan for adoption) They should not let this influence them, but they are human and will have strong feelings about certain issues)

Once you have made a good relationship it will be natural to ask all the things you need to, rather than take out a list and start writing (not that you would do that I'm sure) and as fasparent says just be relaxed (yourselves) and as natural as you can. All foster carers (like most of us I guess) like a bit of praise, so a nice compliment to them won't go amiss so long as you don't go OTT.

Foster carers are guided on how to "move a child on to adoption" but sometimes it will be their first time so won't be too sure themselves. Also the child's social worker should visit with you on the 1st occasion to work out a timetable for the introductions and move.

Will you keep us posted?

Our introductions and meetings were very strange so I agree with Devora
Ours were for different reasons though, FC knew very little about DD, she had been pretty much ignored
I was told her favourite food was pot noodle, her allergies had not been noticed even though she blew up like a balloon and FC was not sure what products she used for washing clothes
Our SW was fantastic and we coped by getting her out of FC house as much as possible. DD showed no bond at all to FC, it was very sad to see

Hi, as a fc I use that adoption Uk list to provide a comprehensive booklet to the adopters ( though things can change very quickly in terms of routine). When I meet the adopters I just like to chat - we will be living in each other's pockets for a couple of weeks so it's important to develop a rapport. A lot of things you will see for yourself - likes, dislikes etc too. I encourage adopters to give me some bedding for the child to sleep in here and then goes back with them, and recently we have set up FaceTime for bedtime stories during intros which has worked brilliantly. I'm always sad to see bad stories, and when children are in poor foster homes I think you have to look at the quality of the social workers too, and what their adoption support will be like.
I am great friends with all my adopters, and I find it's very positive for the children as they grow up and have questions. To know their situation isn't unique is often helpful. I also have put my adopters in touch with each other when they are going through similar experiences, hopefully your fc will be supportive too.

Thanks everyone for your brilliant ideas.

Am meeting foster carers soon.

Have got so many questions but will just hold back and see.

Do want to get on well.

Parsnipcake what is "...recently we have set up FaceTime for bedtime stories during intros which has worked brilliantly." ??

Yes, Nananina if I can I will update people, if they want to know!

Thanks again to you all.

I assumed that this was the adopters doing bedtime stories by FaceTime ? during the first part of the introductions when the child is still sleeping at the FC house

What's facetime?

We had the adoption UK list but our foster family weren't really willing to sit down and answer questions. Every time we tried they just said that we would pick it up! They were really lovely but I think they thought we were making a fuss. In fairness, we did pick it all up but not by the end of the introduction period.

I've skimmed the thread, but think I have a slightly different take on this to other posters. Feel free to ignore me!

I think meeting the FC before approval panel is about checking that the match is going to be right for you, not all the stuff you will need to know to do successful introductions / transition to your house.

So personally I would focus on those things.
e.g. behaviour, learning needs, medical needs, likelihood of taking to your BC, how they have developed since being in FC.

Then additionally stuff you will need to know before you start introductions - e.g. to find out what might make a good toy to take on the first day, suitable colour for bedroom, maybe what items they will/won't bring with them so you can buy/look in advance.

Very exciting time for you all. Seven years ago yesterday we went to panel!

Thanks UnderTheNameOfSanders all very good advice.

FaceTime is like Skype but on iPads/iPods.

Have you heard of Skype?

I've heard of Skype but I don't know what it has to do with bedtime?

Parsnipcake said ...we have set up FaceTime for bedtime stories during intros...

I'm guessing it means using FaceTime so the adoptive parents can read bedtime stories to the children when they're not actually there?

Might have that totally wrong though... I would have thought the parents would be there???

I agree about talking about birth family, medical history etc. the rest of the list is obviously important, though some will change (your routine will be different to theirs, even if it's just that you walk DD to school rather than watching TV in pjs all morning) and they might not have thought about things in quite the same way as the list suggests (eg not using the same washing powder all the time).

The thing to try to understand from them is beyond the mechanics of a bedtime routine to what DS is actually like; how to comfort them; what they were like as a baby / toddler etc. ie the stuff that's hard to write down with any real meaning.

Don't be surpised if they tell you more about the birth family than you should really know or SW would tell you!