Questions!!!!!

[Italiangreyhound]

So I know my new little one has their life info, and it's their info, not mine to share. And I know for those difficult questions I can say that.

People say "So do you know all about their life before they came into care?"

Me verbally "Yes"

Me mentally "Because I am not telling you anything at all!"

But sometimes it is a very innocent sounding question and I am not sure what to do.

"So have they just been in the one foster home?"

"Have they moved around a lot."

Etc etc

How many ways can I say 'I can't say.' and what did you feel you could say??

If you say something totally innocent like 'They have got brown hair.' You are giving away much. I am thinking how much can give away that is OK! Otherwise I look like a nodding smiling doll!!

[Hels20]

Well, exactly Italian. If only people wouldn't ask!

I might be a bit harsher with people I meet at the school gate, but these were good friends I was giving my response to.

Oh- I don't know - but it seems that people have a slightly different approach.

[Italiangreyhound]

Ultimately we have to make our own choices in this matter! That is why I asked to see what people do.

I am sure I will end up saying more than I want to. I do find it hard not to share!

All the best hels20

[TeenAndTween]

Hels20 In our experience children get nosey before age 11/12!

We are 7 years in now.

DD1 moved to us age 8 (and DD2 was 2) so her adoption was an open fact in her class. We helped her with wording along the lines of 'weren't able to care for me'.

DD1 also got this again when she moved to secondary, with people coming up to her asking if it was true she was adopted etc. We tried to explain that people were probably trying to be friendly/make conversation, and a 'mind your own business' answer was a bit unfriendly. So again we had to help her with words that kept thing private but that sounded friendly.

DD2 started getting asked questions by classmates in y3/4 so age 7-9. I am reasonably open with her adoption, I don't try to hide it if it seems relevant to the conversation and I would guess most/all parents in her class know. We had to help her with age appropriate answers.

We have always taken the view that their being adopted is not a secret, it is nothing for them to be ashamed of. But they need to be circumspect with what details they share as their friends may not understand, and may not be good at keeping confidences.

Generally ...

We have a paragraph of info that we tell class teachers as we feel it is important they understand the girls' background, though that info has changed slightly over the years as some becomes less/more relevant.

Sometimes also it has been useful to share limited info with some very-trusted close parent-friends to help them understand why we parent a certain way / why the girls react to some things differently from their friends, or to be able to talk things through.

[Italiangreyhound]

TeenAndTween that is really helpful. I think social services have not totally prepared us for all this, they have said some stuff but it all seems so much, who to tell and what. Hels20 maybe I am wrong. I am just confused!!

[Italiangreyhound]

Hels20 Ignore me - I think it is fine, I guess I am paranoid Pete because we heard a lot about this type of stuff at prep group! I think it is a jungle and I am trying to cut my way through the undergrowth!

[TeenAndTween]

I guess you do need to be more circumspect at the start when the child is first placed. Partly because they aren't yet 'yours', and also maybe you don't know who is going to turn out to be a fair-weather friend who then might use information you share 'against you' so's to speak.

However, I think I would have personally found it very difficult to make new 'mum' friends if I hadn't appeared to be willing to talk a bit about adoption, which is why we went for the approach we did.

Some people I know just never ever mention their child is adopted, but that wouldn't have worked for me. First because I would always have felt that I was 'hiding' something; but also, turning up with an 8 year old with no idea how schools run I needed to be able to ask questions without being thought a total idiot.


Oh by the way you haven't asked this yet but you are bound to some time:
We sent out 'arrival' announcements after placement with a family photo.
'XXX and YYY are pleased to announce the arrival of AAA dob 123 and BBB dob 456' . This let people know their birthdays (to ensure cards arrived!) and sort of acted a bit as a trigger for some people to send congratulations cards.

[flightywoman]

I have experienced people asking all sorts of very personal questions about the girl and her history and I normally say "We do know her history, I can't tell you, it's her personal information and not my story to tell".

I haven't even told my mother or sister how she came to be taken into care...

However, I think almost all her class and their parents know that she's adopted - because she started after the beginning of the term and she talks about her foster carers so there was absolutely no point pretending that the situation was anything other than what it was - we really didn't want to lie so we just were fairly open about adopting her, especially when people asked if we'd just moved to the area (we've lived her for years!) or wondered how we'd managed to get a school place that took her class over their pupil maximum - she was a LAC then so got the place as a priority.

But the personal stuff stays private and within our part of the family and it is surprisingly easy to smile and say "I'm really sorry, I can't talk about that" with no need to qualify or justify.

[KristinaM]

I have to say I've never had any trouble making friends , mummies or otherwise, because I wouldn't talk about my children's background. Besides,I wouldn't want to be friends with the kind of people who were only talking to me to get all the gossip.

For me it's about respecting my children's right to privacy. If I feel the need to share personal information, I have lots of juicy stories that are mine to share.

I know one adoptive family who tell everyone all about their kids background, I find it very upsetting. I feel so sorry for their children

I can't decide if the parents are trying to get admiration for being such great people, rescuing these troubled children from their alcoholic parents. Of if they don't want anyone to judge them because their son is acting up a bit -"hey,don't blame us, he's not really ours " . Or whether they just like the attention and the drama, enjoying having everybody talk about them.

One thing I'm sure is that it's not because they are open and friendly people. Because they never share THEIR private information, only their kids. We've heard nothing about their sex life, marriage problems, infertility, medical details etc . Maybe I will ask them next time .

[Italiangreyhound]

Oh TeenAndTween had not thought of sending announcements until after he was officially our son legally! This is complicated! Do I need to start another thread about this, I wonder!!!

[Italiangreyhound]

I can't keep little ones arrival a secret. The whole world knows because I tell everyone everything about me! Maybe that is why I feel the need to be extra careful about lo because I would possibly say the wrong things.

[Hels20]

We sent announcements - "Introducing XXX" cards instead of Thank you cards - because we were quite overwhelmed with gifts and also because we decided not to send Christmas cards. We didn't wait until he was ours - maybe we were tempting fate.

We also sent the cards to family who aren't on email much etc...

[Kewcumber]

I have lots of juicy stories that are mine to share.

[Polkadotpatty]

Kew I am not going to ask about the juicy stories. Because I am being sensitive to your feelings and all supportive. bursting to ask

Italian our LA held a workshop on how to talk to your child about their adoption, and it included quite a bit of material about how to deflect nosey questions from strangers or from family (!), generally speaking without seeming rude. I think my personal favourite was their recommended answer to "So, how was the birth?" when you know they are angling for you to be the one who raises the adopted topic. Answer: "fine thanks, didn't feel a thing". Might be worth asking your LA if they offer anything similar?

We were also each given a book (that I will be opening any second now) called Talking About Adoption - it's a BAAF published one.

[KristinaM]

< see you in April Kew>

[bberry]

It seems odd to me that the first question someone thinks of when you state your dc is adopted is "do they have any brothers or sisters" but I guess everyone's mind works differently.

I have no issue in saying "xxxx's back storey is not something we discuss, it's her information to share in the future if she wants to" to which most people seem to respect

I think people are just very curious as it's not something many have much knowledge of

If it means they imagine or speculate scenarios that are not relevant or true then that's up to them....

X

[TeenAndTween]

Italian We wanted to send an announcement on placement so all extended family could officially know, and also see a photo, (and know their birthdays). As it happens it took us 15 months from placement to legal adoption so that would have been a long time to wait. A couple of months after we had finally been to court we had a gigantic party (100 people) to celebrate being a family - invitations to that acted as the announcement of it all being done and dusted.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks all.