Questions!!!!!

[Italiangreyhound]

So I know my new little one has their life info, and it's their info, not mine to share. And I know for those difficult questions I can say that.

People say "So do you know all about their life before they came into care?"

Me verbally "Yes"

Me mentally "Because I am not telling you anything at all!"

But sometimes it is a very innocent sounding question and I am not sure what to do.

"So have they just been in the one foster home?"

"Have they moved around a lot."

Etc etc

How many ways can I say 'I can't say.' and what did you feel you could say??

If you say something totally innocent like 'They have got brown hair.' You are giving away much. I am thinking how much can give away that is OK! Otherwise I look like a nodding smiling doll!!

[Italiangreyhound]

neolara thanks for sharing that. I am sure I would have done the same thing a couple of years ago too.

[crazeekitty]

If you don't want to be rude then just say something bland and move on. But I've been asked by almost.complete strangers working on the check out.in Tesco. And have been asked in front of dd (who is 9 and perfectly able to understand) if her parents abused her / neglected her etc. Even the most ignorant person should know that's wrong.

And if your friends are your friends then why can't you just tell them they're being nosey and ask them not to ask again?

I know I'm slightly autistic and not very British in my sensibilities but I am really struggling to see why people find it hard to tell other people to butt out.... So I will butt out of the conversation so I don't make people grumpy. :-)

[holycowwhatnow]

neolara, I remember meeting an adoptive parent in the park before we adopted our dd and I remember the answer to a question I asked was 'We don't talk about any of his personal stuff.' I admit I was a little - I live in Ireland and people here are generally very friendly and chatty - but it was a great lesson for me. It cut that line of conversation dead. You're absolutely right- people don't realise that they're crossing a line and are genuinely interested.

Italian, you get better at it. When dd was home first, an elderly neighbour asked me a (nosey) question about her 'real' mother and I'm still kicking myself now that I was caught on the hop and answered the question. I should have trotted out my line. I'm still annoyed with myself that he knows something (very trivial, BM's age) that is none of his bloody business.

[LastingLight]

The term "real mother" really gets me on edge. What am I then, a fake mother?

[holycowwhatnow]

And does that then make my dd anything other than my 'real' daughter?? I correct every single person that does it, I don't care who they are. Ususally people shrug it off with 'O you know what I mean' and I always say, 'Yes, I know what you mean but I don't ever want dd to hear that word because she is my real child and I am her real mother.'
DD is like a little parrot these days and hears every conversation that goes on around her and she will never hear it without an immediate correction by me. I don't want flipping strangers planting doubt about our relationship into her mind.

[CheeryGiraffe]

Holycow, that's exactly what got my knickers in a know about what my friend said (on another thread... won't bore you with it here) about our child not really being ours. It upsets me and makes angry, but I am an adult and I know that she's wrong and talking utter shite. However, our child (when we adopt them) won't know that. The idea that some unthinking, ignorant *&%$ could flippantly say something like that and my child hear makes my blood boil. I am going to take a leaf out of your book and correct every single person who dares to utter those words.

[CheeryGiraffe]

*knot

[crazeekitty]

Sorry. I'm chiming in again. I think there are times we have to share some information without disclosing details. For instance, there's been a little incident this week with dd and I had to speak to another mum. Dd has told her friend that she's adopted (because she's rightly proud of it) so the other mum knew already and I was able to explain the incident by saying "this is an issue because of her time in care"... The other mum was cool with that and didn't ask anything else.

And another friend was careless around food issues so I had to explain that dd worried about food (without explaining why) so the friend was a bit more sympathetic when we had tea with her etc.

But nosiness about personal and secure details still gets the sharp end of my tongue.

[Italiangreyhound]

crazeekitty you are not making me grumpy and you do not need to butt out, my dear!

I think it is different people and different situations. I am not yet a parent to child who joined the family by adoption, so I do not know what it is like. Maybe I will toughen up. I think a person asking at the checkout if your child as abused is so far off the scale of rude that I would have no problem stating clearly that is a totally inappropriate question.

A friend at a gathering where the child is not present asking a similar question may also get a a similar answer.

But a friend at a gathering asking a more round about question makes me pause as I wonder if they are trying to understand and I find it hard to ask them questions about their sex life etc to make my point! Also, I don't want to know about their sex life and even if they were to tell me I would still not tell them about my dc. So I find the stuck record of I'm not allowed to talk about it works best, but it is being caught by surprise by a question I find hardest, when you can't really see it coming.

[Italiangreyhound]

holycowwhatnow yes, that's it exactly, taken by surprise and not sure how to reply.

I hate it when people say real mum or dad or whatever. I will challenge those things. It is hard, I don't like to be a toughie, I am a cream puff, but I never want my new ds when he joins the family or my existing dd to think that there is any difference in their realness!

[holycowwhatnow]

Italian, I was that cream puff but believe me, you'll turn into Mama Bear when you're defending your ds and his place in your family. I've got to a level of hardness where I genuinely don't care now if people are offended by my bluntness about keeping dd's story private. I was so cross with myself after that nosey (but well-intentioned) neighbour that I vowed it wouldn't happen again.

Practise in the mirror I still have to take a breath before I say it but I can say it now without flinching. Such exciting times ahead for you!!!

[Clake66]

Some of the comments here about keeping the information private for the child goes against everything we were told.
We were told we would have to make sure information was conveyed to family when we sought guardianship. Over and over and over again we were challenged to how we were going to make sure that her story would be consistent, that her parents were dangerous and could not be trusted. To protect her at all costs from them. The more I read, the more confused and angry I get towards the A&P team along with others. The story's I read here do not reflect what we were told by the people who judged us as not fit. Snakes and Ladders. To hear her story will have to remain private is reassuring but how much of her sensationalised and grossly inaccurate story as 'decided' from the family court will she have to be told.

[bberry]

Clake66, are you related to the birth parents, given that you mentioned guardianship?

[Kewcumber]

I think you misunderstand this thread Clarke - people mean keeping the childs personal information private from random people who just ask out of curiosity not private from the child themselves.

I can't believe any social worker (even an incompetent one) would advocate telling anyone who asks about your childs background the whole story about how they came to be adopted.

Her story doesn't have to remain private. There is no definite instruction and even if there was, once the child is adopted, as parents you make the decisions you think best for your child. Those of us who have been adopters for longer have advised that the more you can keep your childs information private the better for them.

I've re-read your post several times now and I don't really understand it and how it relates to the OP's question about how to deal with nosy neighbors or well meaning friends asking for details about your childs background. Perhaps you could explain as I think I;m missing something!

[Hels20]

bbery the girl Clake sought guardianship for is her son's daughter - see her post on grandparents last week.

[Kewcumber]

I rather suspect the issue of what to say to family/friends in a guardianship of a family member is very different to a normal adoption due to the complications of existing family knowledge and the risk to the child of continuing contact with birth parents.

I mean perceived risk in the eyes of SS - if they have removed a child because they believe they are at risk then obviously they want to be absolutely sure that the child doesn't continue to be at risk.

Of course that doesn't address the issue of whether they are right or not just that the situation is more complex when family have a guardianship order - assuming I have read the situation correctly.

[Clake66]

Misunderstood it seems sorry for any confusion. It's just when mention of birth relatives ask questions, that it seemed strange. Guardianship is different as you say.

[Hels20]

Sorry to reopen an old thread, but I was thinking about this. The reason I have given if anyone asks why DS is adopted is "birth parents couldn't look after him properly." I am now slightly panicking that I shouldn't have said that but it allowed me to give a very vague answer without appearing rude. If they have pressed, I have just said "Sorry, it's really personal." But usually they just drop the topic.

Do any of your more experienced adopters think that my response is giving too much away? I thought it would cover any number of reasons - including relinquishment, neglect, alcohol/drug abuse, physical, sexual abuse, DV.

Thoughts anyone? He will be starting nursery in September and so we will be coming across a whole host of new people.

Thanks.

[KristinaM]

To me it implies that he was removed because of neglect or abuse. Not that he was relinquished.

Asking why his BP couldn't keep him is a very nosey and personal question IMHO. I would simply be saying what you suggested " I'm sorry , that's private /personal /his personal information "

I'm a bit confused why anyone at nursery would be asking such a question.

[Hels20]

Hi Kristina - he hasn't started nursery yet - this is just how I have dealt with questions from people so far. But now I am thinking I need to just say "it's too personal" without offering what I was - that "his bps couldn't look after him properly."

Thanks for your response.

[suzylee73]

I think maybe your worrying a bit too much about what the SS is telling you. Of course people want to know, its fascinating to most people as its a side of life most don't experience or even know about.

In my experience it easier to tell them a diluted version, enough to satisfy their naturally curiosity but not enough for them to make judgments on how the child may be damaged etc.

A common story is alcohol/drug problems meaning the child was put in the care of a foster carer until adoption was agreed then they came to you.

Don't forget its family and friends that will be your support going forward not the SS.

Good luck :)

[TeenAndTween]

We happily say things like 'BPs couldn't care properly and keep safe'. I really don't think that is sharing personal info. It is almost the very definition of older children who have come through the care system.

If people press us we are happy to do the infomercial stuff of general reasons why children go into care.

We also say that happily the DDs only had one lot of FC and that was a Good Thing.

[Italiangreyhound]

suzylee73 it may be fascinating for people to know but, personally, I don't think they should. It's not just that social services say so, I actually agree with them.

But it is hard to know what to say, how to deflect questions and what is right to reveal ever!!

Hels I think I would go with Kristina's thoughts on this. Of course it sounds innocent enough to say his birth parents could not look after him etc but it is still very personal information about him. And it's his information. I also think once you start it's harder to stop. But I know how hard it is because I started the thread and I still wonder what I can say!!! So this is no criticism Hels, just my thoughts!

My wonderings also cover what I can say about his foster situation. This seems much more natural for friends and family to want to know. That he is happy and well cared for now and being well prepared to be with us.

I wonder why people want to know so much about the problems and the past. Is it, I wonder because of our current 'celeb' culture! This is real life but unlike the real life 'celebs' who make it common knowledge of their various problems etc the problems and needs under discussion are not mine, but the child's- so there is a big difference between friends who want to know and people who need to know (such as maybe a doctor or counseller if there is a medical issues).

But please can someone tell me what I can say about foster situation, which is all very good and happy? Because once he comes he almost certainly will talk about the foster family and that can't be totally off limits with friends and family (can it??)

[Hels20]

Thanks Tween - my DH and I had agreed our standard line would be "his BPs couldn't care for him properly" as we have a lot of close friends and family - and that was a softer version than "Can't talk about it". I had been thinking about this thread and so wondered if we were giving too much away - but no one knows why he was taken into care. I guess if he had been relinquished - we wouldn't have trotted out this line.

We have had about 2 people press (innocently) for me and we have just said, " We can't talk about anything more detailed as it is his info" but almost everyone else has backed off and hasn't probed any further.

As for foster family - as we are in contact with them and they will turn up to the odd family event - I have no issues about telling people that he just had the one foster family who were brilliant and tell people how many members were in that family - because our close friends will meet them in time. Eg christening etc,

So - maybe Italian I have given too much info out - but it is really hard to trot out the "sorry - it's his personal info" constantly when I thought a vague answer would be better. That's just me not wanting to offend people - and I think other than death or relinquishment - that covers all other cases for why a child comes into care.

But maybe I am wrong and doing my son a disservice - but I also thought that it might be an answer DS could give when he is asked when he is older (I am thinking 11/12 - when children get nosey!).

But maybe I am wrong and should change my answer. This thread has definitely given me a bit of thought.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hels20 I am not criticising. Like you I am not sure what to say. I expect if pressed I may say he same. I guess we are talking ideal situation and in an ideal situation I would rather they did not ask!