Questions!!!!!

[Italiangreyhound]

So I know my new little one has their life info, and it's their info, not mine to share. And I know for those difficult questions I can say that.

People say "So do you know all about their life before they came into care?"

Me verbally "Yes"

Me mentally "Because I am not telling you anything at all!"

But sometimes it is a very innocent sounding question and I am not sure what to do.

"So have they just been in the one foster home?"

"Have they moved around a lot."

Etc etc

How many ways can I say 'I can't say.' and what did you feel you could say??

If you say something totally innocent like 'They have got brown hair.' You are giving away much. I am thinking how much can give away that is OK! Otherwise I look like a nodding smiling doll!!

[Italiangreyhound]

Thanks all.

[TeenAndTween]

Italian We wanted to send an announcement on placement so all extended family could officially know, and also see a photo, (and know their birthdays). As it happens it took us 15 months from placement to legal adoption so that would have been a long time to wait. A couple of months after we had finally been to court we had a gigantic party (100 people) to celebrate being a family - invitations to that acted as the announcement of it all being done and dusted.

[bberry]

It seems odd to me that the first question someone thinks of when you state your dc is adopted is "do they have any brothers or sisters" but I guess everyone's mind works differently.

I have no issue in saying "xxxx's back storey is not something we discuss, it's her information to share in the future if she wants to" to which most people seem to respect

I think people are just very curious as it's not something many have much knowledge of

If it means they imagine or speculate scenarios that are not relevant or true then that's up to them....

X

[KristinaM]

< see you in April Kew>

[Polkadotpatty]

Kew I am not going to ask about the juicy stories. Because I am being sensitive to your feelings and all supportive. bursting to ask

Italian our LA held a workshop on how to talk to your child about their adoption, and it included quite a bit of material about how to deflect nosey questions from strangers or from family (!), generally speaking without seeming rude. I think my personal favourite was their recommended answer to "So, how was the birth?" when you know they are angling for you to be the one who raises the adopted topic. Answer: "fine thanks, didn't feel a thing". Might be worth asking your LA if they offer anything similar?

We were also each given a book (that I will be opening any second now) called Talking About Adoption - it's a BAAF published one.

[Kewcumber]

I have lots of juicy stories that are mine to share.

[Hels20]

We sent announcements - "Introducing XXX" cards instead of Thank you cards - because we were quite overwhelmed with gifts and also because we decided not to send Christmas cards. We didn't wait until he was ours - maybe we were tempting fate.

We also sent the cards to family who aren't on email much etc...

[Italiangreyhound]

I can't keep little ones arrival a secret. The whole world knows because I tell everyone everything about me! Maybe that is why I feel the need to be extra careful about lo because I would possibly say the wrong things.

[Italiangreyhound]

Oh TeenAndTween had not thought of sending announcements until after he was officially our son legally! This is complicated! Do I need to start another thread about this, I wonder!!!

[KristinaM]

I have to say I've never had any trouble making friends , mummies or otherwise, because I wouldn't talk about my children's background. Besides,I wouldn't want to be friends with the kind of people who were only talking to me to get all the gossip.

For me it's about respecting my children's right to privacy. If I feel the need to share personal information, I have lots of juicy stories that are mine to share.

I know one adoptive family who tell everyone all about their kids background, I find it very upsetting. I feel so sorry for their children

I can't decide if the parents are trying to get admiration for being such great people, rescuing these troubled children from their alcoholic parents. Of if they don't want anyone to judge them because their son is acting up a bit -"hey,don't blame us, he's not really ours " . Or whether they just like the attention and the drama, enjoying having everybody talk about them.

One thing I'm sure is that it's not because they are open and friendly people. Because they never share THEIR private information, only their kids. We've heard nothing about their sex life, marriage problems, infertility, medical details etc . Maybe I will ask them next time .

[flightywoman]

I have experienced people asking all sorts of very personal questions about the girl and her history and I normally say "We do know her history, I can't tell you, it's her personal information and not my story to tell".

I haven't even told my mother or sister how she came to be taken into care...

However, I think almost all her class and their parents know that she's adopted - because she started after the beginning of the term and she talks about her foster carers so there was absolutely no point pretending that the situation was anything other than what it was - we really didn't want to lie so we just were fairly open about adopting her, especially when people asked if we'd just moved to the area (we've lived her for years!) or wondered how we'd managed to get a school place that took her class over their pupil maximum - she was a LAC then so got the place as a priority.

But the personal stuff stays private and within our part of the family and it is surprisingly easy to smile and say "I'm really sorry, I can't talk about that" with no need to qualify or justify.

[TeenAndTween]

I guess you do need to be more circumspect at the start when the child is first placed. Partly because they aren't yet 'yours', and also maybe you don't know who is going to turn out to be a fair-weather friend who then might use information you share 'against you' so's to speak.

However, I think I would have personally found it very difficult to make new 'mum' friends if I hadn't appeared to be willing to talk a bit about adoption, which is why we went for the approach we did.

Some people I know just never ever mention their child is adopted, but that wouldn't have worked for me. First because I would always have felt that I was 'hiding' something; but also, turning up with an 8 year old with no idea how schools run I needed to be able to ask questions without being thought a total idiot.


Oh by the way you haven't asked this yet but you are bound to some time:
We sent out 'arrival' announcements after placement with a family photo.
'XXX and YYY are pleased to announce the arrival of AAA dob 123 and BBB dob 456' . This let people know their birthdays (to ensure cards arrived!) and sort of acted a bit as a trigger for some people to send congratulations cards.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hels20 Ignore me - I think it is fine, I guess I am paranoid Pete because we heard a lot about this type of stuff at prep group! I think it is a jungle and I am trying to cut my way through the undergrowth!

[Italiangreyhound]

TeenAndTween that is really helpful. I think social services have not totally prepared us for all this, they have said some stuff but it all seems so much, who to tell and what. Hels20 maybe I am wrong. I am just confused!!

[TeenAndTween]

Hels20 In our experience children get nosey before age 11/12!

We are 7 years in now.

DD1 moved to us age 8 (and DD2 was 2) so her adoption was an open fact in her class. We helped her with wording along the lines of 'weren't able to care for me'.

DD1 also got this again when she moved to secondary, with people coming up to her asking if it was true she was adopted etc. We tried to explain that people were probably trying to be friendly/make conversation, and a 'mind your own business' answer was a bit unfriendly. So again we had to help her with words that kept thing private but that sounded friendly.

DD2 started getting asked questions by classmates in y3/4 so age 7-9. I am reasonably open with her adoption, I don't try to hide it if it seems relevant to the conversation and I would guess most/all parents in her class know. We had to help her with age appropriate answers.

We have always taken the view that their being adopted is not a secret, it is nothing for them to be ashamed of. But they need to be circumspect with what details they share as their friends may not understand, and may not be good at keeping confidences.

Generally ...

We have a paragraph of info that we tell class teachers as we feel it is important they understand the girls' background, though that info has changed slightly over the years as some becomes less/more relevant.

Sometimes also it has been useful to share limited info with some very-trusted close parent-friends to help them understand why we parent a certain way / why the girls react to some things differently from their friends, or to be able to talk things through.

[Italiangreyhound]

Ultimately we have to make our own choices in this matter! That is why I asked to see what people do.

I am sure I will end up saying more than I want to. I do find it hard not to share!

All the best hels20

[Hels20]

Well, exactly Italian. If only people wouldn't ask!

I might be a bit harsher with people I meet at the school gate, but these were good friends I was giving my response to.

Oh- I don't know - but it seems that people have a slightly different approach.

[Italiangreyhound]

Hels20 I am not criticising. Like you I am not sure what to say. I expect if pressed I may say he same. I guess we are talking ideal situation and in an ideal situation I would rather they did not ask!

[Hels20]

Thanks Tween - my DH and I had agreed our standard line would be "his BPs couldn't care for him properly" as we have a lot of close friends and family - and that was a softer version than "Can't talk about it". I had been thinking about this thread and so wondered if we were giving too much away - but no one knows why he was taken into care. I guess if he had been relinquished - we wouldn't have trotted out this line.

We have had about 2 people press (innocently) for me and we have just said, " We can't talk about anything more detailed as it is his info" but almost everyone else has backed off and hasn't probed any further.

As for foster family - as we are in contact with them and they will turn up to the odd family event - I have no issues about telling people that he just had the one foster family who were brilliant and tell people how many members were in that family - because our close friends will meet them in time. Eg christening etc,

So - maybe Italian I have given too much info out - but it is really hard to trot out the "sorry - it's his personal info" constantly when I thought a vague answer would be better. That's just me not wanting to offend people - and I think other than death or relinquishment - that covers all other cases for why a child comes into care.

But maybe I am wrong and doing my son a disservice - but I also thought that it might be an answer DS could give when he is asked when he is older (I am thinking 11/12 - when children get nosey!).

But maybe I am wrong and should change my answer. This thread has definitely given me a bit of thought.

[Italiangreyhound]

suzylee73 it may be fascinating for people to know but, personally, I don't think they should. It's not just that social services say so, I actually agree with them.

But it is hard to know what to say, how to deflect questions and what is right to reveal ever!!

Hels I think I would go with Kristina's thoughts on this. Of course it sounds innocent enough to say his birth parents could not look after him etc but it is still very personal information about him. And it's his information. I also think once you start it's harder to stop. But I know how hard it is because I started the thread and I still wonder what I can say!!! So this is no criticism Hels, just my thoughts!

My wonderings also cover what I can say about his foster situation. This seems much more natural for friends and family to want to know. That he is happy and well cared for now and being well prepared to be with us.

I wonder why people want to know so much about the problems and the past. Is it, I wonder because of our current 'celeb' culture! This is real life but unlike the real life 'celebs' who make it common knowledge of their various problems etc the problems and needs under discussion are not mine, but the child's- so there is a big difference between friends who want to know and people who need to know (such as maybe a doctor or counseller if there is a medical issues).

But please can someone tell me what I can say about foster situation, which is all very good and happy? Because once he comes he almost certainly will talk about the foster family and that can't be totally off limits with friends and family (can it??)

[TeenAndTween]

We happily say things like 'BPs couldn't care properly and keep safe'. I really don't think that is sharing personal info. It is almost the very definition of older children who have come through the care system.

If people press us we are happy to do the infomercial stuff of general reasons why children go into care.

We also say that happily the DDs only had one lot of FC and that was a Good Thing.

[suzylee73]

I think maybe your worrying a bit too much about what the SS is telling you. Of course people want to know, its fascinating to most people as its a side of life most don't experience or even know about.

In my experience it easier to tell them a diluted version, enough to satisfy their naturally curiosity but not enough for them to make judgments on how the child may be damaged etc.

A common story is alcohol/drug problems meaning the child was put in the care of a foster carer until adoption was agreed then they came to you.

Don't forget its family and friends that will be your support going forward not the SS.

Good luck :)

[Hels20]

Hi Kristina - he hasn't started nursery yet - this is just how I have dealt with questions from people so far. But now I am thinking I need to just say "it's too personal" without offering what I was - that "his bps couldn't look after him properly."

Thanks for your response.

[KristinaM]

To me it implies that he was removed because of neglect or abuse. Not that he was relinquished.

Asking why his BP couldn't keep him is a very nosey and personal question IMHO. I would simply be saying what you suggested " I'm sorry , that's private /personal /his personal information "

I'm a bit confused why anyone at nursery would be asking such a question.

[Hels20]

Sorry to reopen an old thread, but I was thinking about this. The reason I have given if anyone asks why DS is adopted is "birth parents couldn't look after him properly." I am now slightly panicking that I shouldn't have said that but it allowed me to give a very vague answer without appearing rude. If they have pressed, I have just said "Sorry, it's really personal." But usually they just drop the topic.

Do any of your more experienced adopters think that my response is giving too much away? I thought it would cover any number of reasons - including relinquishment, neglect, alcohol/drug abuse, physical, sexual abuse, DV.

Thoughts anyone? He will be starting nursery in September and so we will be coming across a whole host of new people.

Thanks.