Really struggling

[Whatutalkinboutwillis]

Our lo has been home 15 weeks now. We also have a bio ds with 3 years between them. From morning till night there is fighting and tears from one of both of them, they wind eachother up all the time but also wouldn't be without eachother.

I don't feel any further forward in my feelings for my new ds than I did when he came home. I look at him and see a gorgeous perfect little boy but feel no maternal love for him. I just don't know what's wrong with me I'm finding it all so so hard. My dh works a lot so it's just me with the boys a lot and I feel all I do is shout. I have turned into the type of mother I never wanted to be and ds1 is always saying please be happy mummy. It breaks my heart.

Since starting adoption leave I have gained a stone and feel fat and lethargic all the time. I constantly tired and worn down. I don't recognise myself right now.

I want to love this child and to be the happy family I always imagined. He has attached to us so well and seems to happy here. He trusts us and has settled no problem. The issue seems to be me. I just can't see a light at the end of the tunnel and am scared to ask sw for help incase they take him away.

When does the love come? I feel nothing but irritation and like its all pretend. Everyone keeps saying how wonderful he is and how happy we must be but the truth is so different. None of it is my child's fault he is the perfect child for us I know that much but I feel so numb towards him.

Is this normal?

Hi What I don't know how you are feeling as I have not adopted yet.

I am approved to adopt, am a birth mum, and struggle with my weight. So here are my very quick suggestions in my humble opinion...

10 steps to feeling slightly better...

1. Tell your DH how you feel. I am assuming it was a joint decision to adopt and so even though you wanted it, you are struggling and you need sympathy, empathy and a shoulder to cry on from the person you chose to have adopt with.

2. Can you talk to someone about possible post adoption depression? Your GP maybe?

3. Can you find any support group you can be apart of, besides us!

4. Re your mum, I really can't tell you what to do, but I know what I would do... I would either write it all down, or say it all in my head (or as a Christian I would pray it all out), all the hurt and bad stuff and how she had made you feel. Then I would mentally lay it aside, delete the file I had typed or shred the paper I had written on. I would mentally say to myself I will not be bound by the horrible words of my mum. I am a good mum. You are not perfect, none of us are, but you are good. I know that because you care, you are sharing all your concerns. You are. You are good and I am sure in the future you will be better. So say to yourself (because I believe in the power of positive words and affirmations.... " I am patient but I will become more patient." Etc. I would then leave the Mum and her festering comments in the past and move on with my own family. If she sent me evil emails I would delete them. If you feel the need to reply you might say. That is your opinion, you are entitled to it. I must go now." Then go and believe in yourself. If at some point you wish to mend fences with her by all means do it, for your sake, for her sake, for the kids sake, whatever, but do not buy into her lies, her very inappropriate emails and her wrong way of sharing 'her thoughts' with you. She will always be your mum but you do not allow her any more power to hurt you, you can remove that power from her... because....

5. Give yourself one massive pat on the back because you got through a process designed to weed out bad parents and designed to get the good un's through! You were interviewed and accessed in a way birth parents are not! You are a Good Mum. Why would social services have entrusted this new little person to you if you were not!

6. Rest... get to bed early (famous last words, I am am insomniac!)... use the old mantra for new mums, sleep when they sleep.

7. Read something helpful.....I don't know your parenting style but my natural default is SHOUT mode! I read bits of a book called The Parenting Puzzle

www.amazon.co.uk/Parenting-Puzzle-Best-Family-Life/dp/0954470907

and found it very helpful.

I also found How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1848123094

brilliant.

I am dyslexic so I don't read a lot but these are easy to read fun, dip into and dip out of, not designed for adoption situations but easy to use.

8. Buy some slightly bigger stretchy clothes and try and put your weight worries on the back burner for a few weeks/months

9. Buy some healthy food and keep snacking on healthy stuff.

10. Pop to this thread if you want to talk food issues but do not allow food to become the biggest thing! Share what you wish to share and then try and leave it there www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/1729438-Lowering-a-BMI

Bless you, it sounds like it's a tough time, find your little bit of peace in the middle of this whirlwind and I am sure the love will come. Just be ready for it.

What ps, 11) FEEL VERY FREE to IGNORE all my advice, I won't be offended.

I've turned into a Shouty Mother. Partly because having two kids is v different to having one and partly because DD brings that out in me.

On the positive side I've found that getting really cross with DD helps escalate the tantrum so that it can then subside, rather than going through a protracted build up and inevitable explosion, but it's not a long term, quality patenting technique. And fuck knows what the neighbours think is going on in our house...

I heartily second the advice to really look after yourself. Easier said than done , I know. Can you find time even if only for an hour at the weekends to do some exercise? Good for mind and body.

Hi There,

I just wanted to say you're not alone, were 16weeks into placement now with 4yo DS (it's gone SO quick!) & I have felt exactly now you describe. I've felt low & like a pretty useless mummy! Like you say especially when the shouting happens! For me I just feel I personally overreact too much at times, which is something I have recognised & is improving slowly but surely.

Like it has been mentioned I wished I had a crystal ball, it didn't matter how many times people kept saying "it will get better, trust me", I just couldn't believe it! 16 weeks in & I can definitely say I am very much starting to feel a lot of love for DS now. Whether its "unconditional" yet- I don't know? (Possibly not if I need to question it). But I do know I enjoy being around him now, I don't look at him with the same resentment, & it doesn't terrify me to think about the future now, something I couldn't bare before & made me worry even more! The constant clock watching has almost completely gone & I just take each day as it comes.

Like the others have said, it did help me when I almost kicked my bum into gear to try & force myself into doing things I previously enjoyed. Like you I put on weight, stopped eating healthy & barely exercised. This happened to be something I loved, I forced myself back into it & I feel so so much better for doing so. A little bit of time to yourself doing what you enjoy (if possible?) can do you the world of good.

I was fortune as I have a very close family who I just talked, talked & talked at. They didn't always agree with me, nor did I listen half of the time, but they are there, & fully understand how I'm feeling. Likewise friends & our SW. Please do not worry about approaching SW, I have countless times, she has been a god send, I've told her exactly how I've felt thought the whole placement so far & she has been very understanding.

Please be kind to yourself, if like me, don't panic about the "feeling of love" not being there, or the "what if it doesn't?" As I certainly found that made me worse. You're doing a brilliant job I'm sure, just take each day as it comes :-)

The lovely mums on this site have been so so nice & helpful to me it helps a lot

Take care x

In fact, prior to DS placement, I thought & planned to myself, 'well when he is at school ill go to the gym, have a swim, take up art again do XYZ' until returning back to work....WOW really, how crazy can you get!? Instead I slept, barely cleaned, ate, ate, slept & slept a bit more.

It's fair to say I think I was VERY clueless as to how I'd actually feel (again like I've mentioned on other posts due to our situation it was all very quick, no training etc) BUT has time has past I have started to do those things (granted a little late as in a few month it'll be back to work!) & I certainly feel better for it. In fact my 1st "arty piece" is a lovely painting for little ones room, all of his favourite things :-))

Please do not forget about "me" time. It is so important I think. I am not as experienced as a lot of the mums so please feel free to ignore me! But it most definitely worked for me

Thank you all so much some great advice that I am going to take on board especially about the shouting. Italian thanks for those links I will check them out tonight.

I have woke up in a more positive frame of mind and had a chat with the boys last night and we all agreed on a no shouting day today. The boys lasted about 5 minutes but I have done lots of deep breaths and have got to 14.00 without raising my voice or feeling annoyed.

I decided to do the morning routine separately today as normally fighting starts when they are getting dressed doing teeth etc and that seemed to be much calmer. I left ds2 here with dh whilst I walked ds1 to school and had a nice slow walk back myself which was nice. We have had a great morning at toddlers and then went for lunch with a friend. So today has been the best for a long time. I feel better for opening up and hearing it is normal. I need to take control of things and be a mum not a crying wreck. I had a good cry last night and promised myself today I would get a grip and so far so good.

I am going to speak to dh because I do feel very much alone in this and though he works hard I know he could be spending more time with the boys to give me a break. I have also decided to get back into my hobby that kind of fell by the wayside during the adoption process. It was my me time and kept me fit and I need to start remembering who I am.

Thanks everyone for listening and helping me through what was a bad bad day yesterday. I am sure there will be more to come but I am going to read this thread and advice everytime I feel I'm not coping. Also decided to be honest with my sw next time she comes and tell her how tough I have found going from 1 to 2.

Thanks again

I done it! A whole day no shouting!!

Excellent :)

That's fantastic

I'm so glad today has been better for you

Use us as a sounding board any time, we're always here for you

Thank you xx

I have learned to use my 'quiet voice' it works. Downside is I think I have an ulcer!! Kidding. Took me months to get the hang of it but once I became aware of my triggers its ok. Though I do still shout occasionally. It is important to be aware that anger can be transferred from your child to you. I have no idea the hows but have experienced it. A wonderful CAHMS nurse helped me. If your child is living with internal anger every day it needs to go somewhere. It is not a conscious thing. Basically sometimes the anger you live with is more than tiredness, stress and frustration. It is also very important to relax and have fun.
Glad you are feeling better. Its a great boost to know you had a good day.

what fab - you go girl.

Can I ask what your hobby is? I do Taekwan-do. I am crap at it but when I do it a tiny bit right I feel GREAT!

A whole day without shouting! I know how tough that is, and I'm impressed.

I really hope you get at least three days like this in the week ahead, and three more the week after, till gradually these 'good' days start feeling like normal days.

That is interesting ghost. Italian I ice skate. Am obsessed with it. I used to go 3 times a week and took lessons but as I said it fell by the wayside but the skates are coming out the dusty cupboard!!

Devora I can't believe it myself! But I done it. Helped we were busy most of the day. We will see what tomorrow brings. I really felt a weight lifted off me this morning just having opened up about things to people who understand. Italian put links to threads above for me covering most of my concerns so that alone shows me if there are threads there then I'm not alone or abnormal.

What, my dear, you are most definitely not abnormal! You are a star and I am sure all this non-shouting and ice skating you will be back to more like yourself soon. And the love will come. I can't gaurantee it but you know I just feel you will start to feel more. Maybe you have been in survival mode for a while, and when you relax a bit things will be easier. You are in the early days, your bd is probably feeling a bit shell shocked, and you are and your little one too! I hope it will get better and you will find it easier. Keep talking.

My little one comes in about 3 months and I will probably where you are and you will be ready to give me advice!

Sorry not db, ds!!

Just watching this with a big smile on my face. Jonny Weir is fabulous!