Evening all!
A few of you may remember that over the last few weeks we have come to realise that our DS has control issues. We have been advised he has 'disorganised-controlling attatchment style". These kind of behaviours have become more and more apparent as time has passed, he seems to be well and truly passed the 'honeymoon phase' which of course is a good thing..
Over the 12 weeks he has been placed with us, I have done a lot (a lot!) of research into this, as well as seeked professional advice, and have spoken with previous FC, the issues we have faced she faced daily, something we have just found out.
Anyway, it is things like he is very regimented, and I know this seems a strange thing to 'worry about' but it's to the point where he never 'missbehaves' in the traditional sense, ever. He follows instructions almost down to the T most times, and when asked to do something does it pretty much immediately. Again I realise this may not seem like something to worry about!
My DH is in the forces, as a result some of you may remember I had a lot of problems, especially over the xmas break when he returned, DS trying in several different ways to get a reaction from me, mostly using DH and affection.
This has now stopped (as it is something that no longer provokes any kind of reaction) and he now tries other things to gain control. From choosing not to listen/answer me (and others) around him, as and when he likes. 'Bossing' me around, i.e. sometimes actually referring to himself as an adult, or an adult figure, or saying things like 'good girl' to me. When I asked previous FC he used to do these kinds of things all of the time, and completely shun certain people in the room for what appeared no reason at all.
To try and 'address' these 'issues' I have tried to turn them into 'positives' i.e. listening stars etc, which do seem to work. As a believe 'traditional methods, and acknowledging the fact he was ignoring people only added fuel to the fire - gave him the control he was craving.
I feel I have already came along on such a HUGE journey (already!) and it I as a person have had to really change my perspective on what I felt was 'parenting' - and I must admit I have had wobbles of 'I am the adult you are a child' etc - which of course is going to get us know where!!
I am also giving him choices, i.e. which cereal would you like, what would you like to do today, which fruit in the supermarkets..
I have noticed that he even has a 'fake voice' which again sounds crazy! but he tends to use this mostly on DH, it is a really high pitched almost 'pleasing' 'more childish' voice' he only seems to use it on me if I haven't been able to give him my full attention for a few hours i.e. visiting family. In fact his attitude generally changes when we haven't spent the full time together, I can't quite put my finger on how - but it does..which explains a lot when DH comes home!
I just worry that this is all so sad for a little boy (he is 4) to feel he needs to control so much around him, but I completely understand why he must feel that way. Even if we have his friends over/eat out for tea, he almost has pent up energy from being so much 'in control' in those environments and really cannot sleep for a long time.
I know I cannot 'fix' these behaviors, and I realise that it is time, understanding and love that in the long run will (hopefully) make him realise that he doesn't need to feel this way, but I was wondering if any of you mums had ever came across anything like this? as admittedly, and shamefully so I haven't always dealt with it in the best way I should have! a VERY big learning curve for me!
If any of you have any advice, tips, insight into this kind of thing it would be much appreciated!
Sorry if I have rambled on here/poor grammar, a quick on before bath time! :)