Having a bad day

[Thebluedog]

10 weeks into adopting my 22 month old dd.
Finding it very difficult today. I struggled bonding initially but today it's all come rushing back, I thought I was getting the hang of it but today has been really difficult. She's been great but won't sit still for 2 mins and I'm exhausted. My db had been ill for weeks so I've had no let up from it. I have a 6yr old birth dd and had forgotten just how intense toddlers are. Especially ones who are settling into a new environment with new people. I'm trying really hard to see it from her perspective but she's into screaming all the time at the moment and I'm at my wits end. I know this is normal toddler behaviour, but added to me being knackered and I'm also struggling to bond I just want to curl into a ball and sleep for a month. I look at her and she's gorgeous and a real character but I'm just not getting that maternal feeling towards her. I desperately don't want this to go pear shaped for all our sakes but I'm having mega doubts and the 'fake it till you make it' moto just isn't cutting it at the mo!
Sorry don't really know what I'm asking, just need to blurt it out somewhere

Hang in there and give yourself time. 10 Weeks is really not very long. 2 Can be a very challenging age, regardless of whether the child is bio or adopted. Is there someone else who can take over so that you can have a bit of me-time?

Hi. Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. It's alot to adjust to and when others are ill and if you're exhausted it can put such a strain on daily life. No advice really, just try not to be too hard on yourself. :)

Hi thebluedog, were also 10 weeks into our placement with 4 year old DS. Hats off to all of you super mums out there with DC younger than 4 who do not have a few hours peace with school each day! I must say since he has returned to school all I want to do is sleep the day away! But I have been forcing myself out & about :-)

I am also at the stage where each day I think 'will I ever bond - properly to this little man'? But I must say I have started to enjoy moments of him much more frequently, I realise how bad that sounds "enjoying moments" but it is a huge step for me!

I hope your day gets better, I haven't really got any words of wisdom just I feel what you're feeling, I find always helps to know you're not alone :)

Take care

Oh & if there is someone that can take over for a little while I find a lovely bath & a cuppa is just perfect. Simple things :)

Thanks for the messages... DH will be home soon so I intend to hand over responsibility and lock myself in the bathroom with a glass of wine

I have been known to say I'm going to the shops and gone for a sneaky lay down so 2 yo LO doesn't come to find me (leaving DH in charge). Feels so naughty!
It's so hard! I find getting out of the house diffuses most grumps -mine and his, even today in the rain, we were jumping in puddles till 4.15pm.
Call in the troops if they haven't all disappeared and try to go and do something alone - that helps for us too.
Toddlers are hard work as we are finding but it does get better and the bonding will come. We're 6 months into placement.

10 weeks into having both my children (birth and adopted) I would have slept with Boris Johnson to get a one-way ticket out of there. HUGE sympathies. It WILL get better, I promise.

Bluedog I'm reading your post as you're really having serious doubts about it - is that right? Are you thinking about it possibly breaking down? Apologies if not - it's just how I read it and I wondered if maybe you needed to speak to someone urgently?

Someone in post-adoption support or someone for a kind of therapeutic supervision I mean...

Hi Bluedog, H and I are 12 weeks into adopting our little girl, she is 19months old and I would say I felt EXACTLY like you are describing until about 3/4 weeks ago. During introductions I was unwell with a flu like virus which made me feel absolutely dire and despite my best intentions totally unable to feel anything towards LO.
When she came home to us we had cards and gifts galore from well wishers everywhere and people over the moon with excitement for us. I felt nothing, nothing but a paralysing fear that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I hated the changes to MY routine, I hated the child safety equipment all over our house that SS insist on. I had crippling anxiety about how to care for this Duracell bunny of a child. I didn't WANT to bond with her. I'd made a mistake, how could I show her love and affection if I was going to tell SS she needed to go back?
Thankfully I was able to confide in my H who was totally wonderful and deserves a medal for the support and patience he has shown me. He encouraged me to tell my family and to be honest with our SW. They were all shocked at my distress but all told me they would ultimately support whatever decision I came to.
I referred myself for counselling, which I was fortunate enough to get through work. I get 6 sessions of which I have had 4 so far. They are really helping me to talk through what my fears were.
I also took our SW's advice to try and gave something planned to do everyday so that I don't feel overwhelmed about the whole day stretching out in front of me. To start with I was desperately wishing away the hours so that breakfast (confined to her chair!) lunch, ditto, nap (Please have an extra long one today) dinner, see above and lastly bath and bed were all I was looking forward to. I hated the bits in between where I had to think of ways to play and talk with her :-(
By attending counselling, having a reasonable diary of play groups and classes to attend, visits to the park (difficult in this recent awful weather) and letting H take the reigns on his days off I have really turned a corner.
She still exhausts me, she.never.stops.moving (although Peppa pig has a hypnotic affect on her!) but now we enjoy each other's company 90% of the time. She is super cute and bright and loves life which in turn is helping me love life again .
I now can't imagine life without her and I know that I am finally bonding with her . I even absent mindedly said "goodnight, love you" when putting her in her cot the other night. She said "uv oo" back....
I don't know if things will get better for you, I genuinely didn't think they would for me. I was utterly convinced that we would be a "failed" adoption. I thought people who kept saying "give it time" were crazy. Didn't they know how certain I was? But, I did give it time and things have changed hugely . And I'm so pleased they have.
Keep going, be honest with the people who matter. You must have support through this, it won't work otherwise . If you ever want to talk to me further about this I'd be more than happy. Believe me I know how difficult it is . Xxx

Copper I feel just like you describe with regards to the timings, I feel I'm (still, perhaps not as much) counting down the hours of each day! Trying to think of things for inbetween breakfast, bath etc! This is less so when DH is home (he works away midweek but is on leave), but I feel I never properly relax, I am new to parenthood so I don't really know how much I'm meant to "entertain" aftershool (sorry that is just the way it feels quite often), & how much I should relax (he is 4 & is comfortable doing his own thing).

Prior to DH I was very full on, everyday making cakes, park, bowling, painting with him, allowing him full control of the tv until his bedtime, anything really. I just need to know how to balance this out without constantly feeling I'm filling in time?!

Hi Buster, that sounds so similar! My H works shifts so it's very random as to when he is here during her waking hours or not. This week he is on lates so is able to help out with the morning "shift" I hate when he is on full days as he is out of the house from 06.00 until 20.00 at least. So he doesn't see LO at all and I get to do it all alone
I also wish that things felt more relaxed or unstructured, that's what my previous life was apart from when I was at work . Of course, I know that it is much better for her to have structure , her FC had her for 11 months and got her used to a great routine which we have followed. Yesterday afternoon after her nap we played finger paint and play doh, she was interested for about 45 minutes which is amazing for her! It was nice to be able to sit down and not be constantly chasing after her . She only seems to have one speed, running. She doesn't walk anywhere and it's exhausting.
The "little things" struck a chord with me. When H is on day shifts I have started to set my alarm for 30 mins before LO normally wakes up. I go downstairs and make myself a cup of tea and drink it hot! I also watch 10 minutes of news so that I get a brief idea of what's going on in the adult world .
Xx

Yes it sounds very similar only DS is a little older. I think it is just such a different structure and routine to what I have been used to for the last 4+ years at work, it was a real shock to the system!! That is really good interested for 45 mins! He has all sorts of creative bits and bobs which we often play with but that lasts about 10-15 mins (which is a shame because I love that kind of play!) before he wants to start running around/jumping on my back, super man, spider man, airplanes, trains etc, I think getting used to 'boy things' has been a huge jump for me! That's why it is super when DH is home so he can do all of that hehe. However it did put a gap between me and DS when he came home so were just finding a nice balance now - so when he wants to bake cakes, paint, make smoothies YES MUMMY CAN PLAY! :)

I definitely agree it is the little things, watching your own programs, baths and just popping out to see family/friends! xx

Thanks to everyone for replying..

I've actually had a really good day today, starting off with her climbing into bed for a cuddle this morning (are they telepathic), all be it about 39 seconds but it's the first time ever and quite an achievement considering she isn't a cuddly child.

I also took her to toddler group this morning, then some one on one time for us and then off to asda.

I spoke to my SW and she was great, told me it's not unusual to feel like this and have 'off' days, but we've arranged a face to face meeting so we can talk about it again. I think some of my issues is that there wAs talk of petitioning the court this week and it all feels very rushed and out of control (for me)? so we've put that on the back burner until I feel a little more comfortable. That in itself has helped me relax.

She's also been a happy soul today, feels like she's been on my side today, laughing and giggling at things and hardly any screams long may it continue.

Oh and the hot cup of tea made me laugh, I've yet to achieve that this month

Oh I remember the 1st time he came into bed, like you say it was for about 30 seconds but was great! he's even slept and cuddled near me once since! Tonight after school he is GLUED to my back! (even as I quickly type!) Have any of you mums had little ones who were comfortable mostly this way?? He isnt very cuddly with me but always wants to be on my back! Is this attempt of being close?

I am glad you have had a good day :) xx

Buster - i'm not expert but I think its a way of being close without the overt "threat" of making eye contact. Personally I'd take it as a good sign!

When I first met DS he wouldn't look me in the eye at all and certainly wouldn't be held face to face. He was OK with me cuddling him on my lap with him facing away so I did that as much as possible. Just make sure that you build up the eye contact through play as well.

Strange you should say that Buster, but dd came up and cuddled my leg today whilst I was doing something in the kitchen. It's the first time she's ever really searched me out for anything like that. As you said, I'm taking it as a good sign.

I thought as much, it's something he's done since day one really, just more so more recently, he also likes sitting on my lap especially when he's occupied (homework etc), ill have a think of ways I can build this up, he still shrinks away if I try to put my arm around him side by side etc, but back & front we are ok!

Yes he does little things like that occasionally too Thebluedog, like his feet on mine or touching my feet, it's always very quick! I take all of these little things as good signs, it can only improve :) x

Little bit of topic. I spent a day on a play therapy workshop arranged through BAAF. One of the best games I learned was to sit with your child and measure him/her. For fun. Noses, fingers, arms, ears.....compare sizes. Let them measure you. Face each other while sitting on the floot, legs outstretched so the child is in your space. Course that depends on your child. If they are not ready for eye contact, adjust the game. Same adjusting contact to suit your child. Been very successful on the children I have played with and so simple, quite unstructured so everyone is relaxed and kids are so proud of how much they have grown. They don't realise bonding is going on.

Kewcumber since you mentioned eye contact I have realised DS hardly does this at all with me, even when I'm right infront of him brushing teeth etc. I can't help but feel partly to blame as I can think I've consciously tried to make eye contact! Especially when I went through the "bad patch". He is 4 so I've had a few ideas of perhaps drawing eyes, putting his phonics near my eyes for his homework? I will keep thinking - if any of you have any thoughts for kids that age please let me know :)

Ghostinthecanvas this sounds great, DS is forever saying "look how big I am today!" So I think this way work, I will give it ago & let you know :) xx

I think you need to build up on the eye contact slowly - it was certainly the thing DS found most difficult alongside being comforted when really upset. We did get there though although as he was much younger it was probably quicker for him than an older child.

I know there are some eye contact game suggestions around (I'll see if I can find any) - I resorted to waving biscuits in front of my eyes which he only got when he made eye contact! But he was only 1, and a very immature tiny, non verbal 1 at that.

Tonight while doing his homework I had DS sit on DH knee (he normally sits on mine for his homework) and I wrote his words on his white board and held it to my face for him to read (which I must just add I am SO proud of as 10 weeks ago he didn't know any letters etc so has come on so well, full words!), it got him looking at my eyes and face for clues! So that is something I will certainly try again. He also popped his little feet on my lap while on DHs knee for a moment!

This might be a stupid idea but might a sling work around the house so he can be on your back for longer periods? I know he'd be big but it might be doable for a short time? I can carry dd and she's nearly 4...

PM me if you want to talk slings :)