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My gorgeous DS is with his "forever family"

92 replies

StupidMistakes · 08/11/2013 20:56

My gorgeous ds aged three is with his forever family and has been for sometime now, I have had to fight to get to meet his new family, but finally a date for early has been made, my issue however is that I still don't know if I am allowed to take anyone for support. The adopters have their social worker present as well as each other, my ds has his social worker but obviously he wont be present and I, well I have asked to take either my best friend or a solicitor to the meeting as I feel that I am the only one without any support, and I don't want to miss anything, I know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I have fought so hard to get to meet them, they have also asked for a picture of me with the adopters for his life story book. I don't really know what to expect at the meeting and wondered if anyone had any experience?


OP posts:
notagiraffe · 08/11/2013 21:01

Do you not have a social worker attached to you, or another keyworker who could support you?

If they don't agree, perhaps you could have a friend standing by in a café near the meeting so you have support straight afterwards.

I hope for your sake and your son's that you can form some contact with each other.

Parsnipcake · 08/11/2013 21:02

Hi, I am a foster carer and in my experience you will definitely be allowed to have some support. It's your chance to give info such as why you chose the name, any birth info or family stories. It will also be very positive for your ds to hear about you from his forever family and itight make your letterbox contacts easier too. The adopters will probably be nervous too. Remember, you all want the best for your da, so keep that in mind to hep you get through

Good luck xx

taffleee · 08/11/2013 21:07

Sorry stupid (and i don't that's a fitting name for you xx) can i ask why ds is with 'forever parents' as you've put it?? my heart goes out to you xx

StupidMistakes · 08/11/2013 21:08

Exactly, I also am aware that I will be very emotional. I don't have a social worker, and am very conscious of the fact that they will also be emotional as well, but I know I am going to need someone to help me through

OP posts:
taffleee · 08/11/2013 21:09

parsnip put it alot better than me, but still alot of love to you x

StupidMistakes · 08/11/2013 21:12

He is with his forever family as I was emotionally stable enough to look after him and have therapy that needs to be done, I have been through so much and I failed as a mum to him. His dad wasn't able to look after him either due to his addiction to cocaine and his violent history, I accept that his adoption which was decided by court in april is what is right for my gorgeous son, however that doesn't make it any less painful

OP posts:
qazxc · 08/11/2013 21:15

if you're concerned that you will get emotional and forget to say things, maybe an idea would be to jot down some notes as to what information you want to impart. That way if you get flustered or lose your train of thought you can refer to them.

StupidMistakes · 08/11/2013 21:18

I already have started writing things down I bought a book especially for that purpose so I didn't forget

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Italiangreyhound · 08/11/2013 21:23

StupidMistakes, no words of wisdom I'm afraid just a hug, I hope it will go OK for you.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 08/11/2013 21:23

DH and I met my DS's Birth mother and she had a support worker with her. We had our SW to support us and to lead the meeting and take notes.

It was very emotional for everyone and BM had to take a break to compose herself at one point. We really felt for her.

It was a great opportunity for us to ask her some questions on behalf of our DS ( like how she chose his name , what her hobbies and interests are etc) and for her to satisfy herself that we were going to be good and loving parents.

I'd be very surprised if you were expected to go through that on your own but I'd really recommend that whoever supports you is experienced and trained in such situations.

I hope you get the support you need.Thanks

TeenAndTween · 08/11/2013 21:25

You are very brave, and I am glad you are getting to meet his adopted parents. You should be able to have someone there for you, I would suggest either a SW or a friend, a solicitor maybe is more legal support rather than emotional support.

The idea of a photo of you with his adoptive parents is it will help you DS to see you accept his adoption, which in turn will help him feel secure.

We met our adopted daughters' birth mother, she was very brave to meet with us. It has made writing contact letters much easier as we have a better idea of who we are writing to.

Try to think in advance of anything you want to ask or say, and have your supporter know this so they can prompt you if needed.
We asked how their names were chosen, what hobbies BM enjoyed as a child, and whether she had any particular wishes for them.
In turn we were (hopefully) able to reassure that we would love the girls and provide a stable life for them, but also that we wouldn't try to hide their past from them, so they would know their BM loved them, even if she wasn't able to care for them.

If you can show the adopters that you accept the adoption and that you aren't a 'risk' to it, it may help them to write more meaningful/detailed letters, and to provide nice photos (if allowed).

Hope it all goes well.


Kewcumber · 09/11/2013 00:00

As an adoptive parent I would be hugely relieved for you to have someone to support you at the meeting. They must know how incredibly hard this will be for you and will want it to go as well as possible.

Of course you are all doing this to benefit your DS but ultimately teenandtween is right, there is the potential for much more meaningful letterbox contact over the years if the meeting goes well.

Of course that's easy for me to say as it isn't possible for me to ever meet DS's birth parents and the idea of meeting them fills me with both terror and hope in equal measure.

Good luck

SavoyCabbage · 09/11/2013 00:15

I would be surprised if you were not allowed to take someone with you. Unless you have a close relationship with your solicitor, a friend would be best as emotional support is what you are needing I would think.

I would arrange to go to someone's house afterwards too. It will be good to have a focus.

Perhaps you could write a list of what you want to talk about as you might forget if its an emotional meeting.

TeenAndTween · 09/11/2013 18:13

Someone should also be guiding you as to what you should/may not ask.
In particular, the adopters are likely to be advised not to disclose

  • their surname
  • where they live (even town/county)
  • what jobs they do

Discussions about contact (letter, photos, cards etc) are also not for this meeting and should be done via SWs.
StupidMistakes · 09/11/2013 19:53

My questions so far include their hobbies, whether they are into animals whether they are religious, whether they support football teams at all nothing is going to sort of give away where they live tbh, and nothing personal. I am going to ask how my ds's speech is coming along and whether he still sleeps with the eeyore I bought him two Christmases ago.

I am hoping that meeting them will mean I am no longer a figure on a piece of paper that they have no real sense of and rather a real person, who really did love her son but wasn't able to look after him

I hope for ds's sake that his father feels emotionally able to do the same, however I know how hard it is and he isn't great with his temper. I will write to him and I will tell him what mummy is doing with her life and how everything is going for me.

I am not allowed to send birthday or Christmas cards, however I am going to at each birthday and Christmas do a card for him with a picture of me in it and seal them and put them in a box so that if he does get in touch in years to come he will know that he was never forgotten about, that he was always on my mind and always in my thought, no matter how far apart we are, he is and always will be loved by me, but right now I cant give him what he needs so him being with his new family is what is right for him.

OP posts:
StupidMistakes · 09/11/2013 19:55

I should also add that throughout care proceedings and since I have never had a social worker, one was assigned to my son but not to myself, so my only two options were either a friend or my solicitor, I am lucky in that we have decided we are going to go for a nice meal afterwards, and one of my house mates has the following day off work

OP posts:
Lilka · 09/11/2013 20:23

I am hoping that meeting them will mean I am no longer a figure on a piece of paper that they have no real sense of and rather a real person, who really did love her son but wasn't able to look after him

That is one of the major and wonderful things I got out of my first meeting with my DD2 and DS birth mum. I think that is very very likely to happen, I can't imagine any adoptive parents having this meeting and not coming out seeing their childs birth parents as human people, rather than an abstract image in their heads based on paperwork.

She had a support worker with her, and the support worker took notes for her, DD2's SW took notes for me, so we were both free to talk without being distracted by writing things. I would be very surprised if you couldn't bring someone with you, though it may need to be a professional rather than a family friend, and I think it's really really important for you to have support. This is going to be much harder for you than it is for them, even though it's very emotional for them as well, and you should be supported through this.

I think those questions are lovely questions to ask, and so is your plan for doing a card every year

My experience was - our meeting lasted quite a while, about 40 minutes. It was very emotional. The SW facilitated it and it was awkward at first but once we got into the questions it was much easier. I tried to let birth mum lead our conversation.

I asked her "why did you choose x to be her name?", a little about what hobbies she liked as a child (so I could compare with DD2 and then I could write to birth mum and tell her 'DD likes the same things as you did'), "What was DD like as a baby?", "What are your dreams for DD?", "Do you think DD takes after anyone in your family in particular?", "What was the birth like?", I reassured her that I would definitely be writing letterbox and I asked her what she would most like to hear about in my letters. I also reassured her that I would love and care for DD so well, and I would not let any harm come to her, that I would be honest with her about adoption

She asked me lots of questions too, a few were "Do you have a garden?", "will you take her on holiday to nice places?", "Are you going to change her name?", "What do you like to do?", "Are you going to work or be a stay at home mum", "What are you going to tell DD about me?" and quite a few others besides

She told me that she wanted DD to be happy with me, and she thought I would be a lovely mum, which truly broke my heart but it was such a relief and so lovely to know that she felt like that

We then ended up talking more about our lives and DD's birth family, her mum's childhood, lots of stuff. By this point, it wasn't awkward any more, although it was still very emotional.

We had a photo taken together, and then we just hugged. We didn't plan to end up hugging, it just happened. Then the social worker wanted a photo of us hugging as well, so we did that. The meeting ended very soon after. I went and cried, I'm she did the same thing

notagiraffe · 09/11/2013 20:27

OP, I think your idea of keeping cards and presents to mark each occasion in a box for him is brilliant. Really lovely. It won't be that many years before he has the right to see you and if he gets in touch and knows you did this...what a great place to start. To know you remembered and thought of him throughout that time.

Pajimjams · 09/11/2013 20:42

Tears here, for all of you who are trying to put the children first, and demonstrating your generosity and selflessness in order to do that.
Lots of respect for you all, birth families and adoptive ones.
Very best wishes for your futures x

StupidMistakes · 09/11/2013 20:43

I am praying that they don't change his first name or his middle, they are both common names and he has had them for three years so it would seem strange to change them now, I know they will his last name so he becomes part of their family and though it hurts I have accepted that it is what is best.

I just want to know that my son will be happy and looked after and given all the things that I cannot. I want him to know that while mummy loved him to the moon and back, she just couldn't give him what he needed, and that doesn't mean I loved him any less or it didn't break my heart to let him go, because my heart was ripped in two and a part of me went with him

OP posts:
namechangesforthehardstuff · 09/11/2013 22:04

OP I hope it goes well for you I really do. I just wanted to mention that you've used his name in one of your posts. A very easy mistake to make - I've done it but maybe it could identify you both?

I don't want to report you but you can report your own post and get MNHQ to delete it if you'd prefer to keep the anonymity for yourself and your ds?

namechangesforthehardstuff · 09/11/2013 22:10

Oh I see it's gone already Smile

Good luck.

birdybear · 09/11/2013 22:21

i think you are very very brave and i really admire you for your courage and determination to make the best choice for your son. blessings to you x

toffeesponge · 09/11/2013 22:27

Have you searched on here for anyone going through something very similar as I am sure I have read the exact same story before?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 09/11/2013 22:29

My heart is breaking for you :( You have been so selfless and brave. It is so very sad that you couldn't be helped to a place in your life where you could have kept him x I'm pleased you are getting to meet them.

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