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My gorgeous DS is with his "forever family"

92 replies

StupidMistakes · 08/11/2013 20:56

My gorgeous ds aged three is with his forever family and has been for sometime now, I have had to fight to get to meet his new family, but finally a date for early has been made, my issue however is that I still don't know if I am allowed to take anyone for support. The adopters have their social worker present as well as each other, my ds has his social worker but obviously he wont be present and I, well I have asked to take either my best friend or a solicitor to the meeting as I feel that I am the only one without any support, and I don't want to miss anything, I know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I have fought so hard to get to meet them, they have also asked for a picture of me with the adopters for his life story book. I don't really know what to expect at the meeting and wondered if anyone had any experience?


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FamiliesShareGerms · 10/11/2013 14:24

I met DD's birth mother on my own, as we all felt that her meeting both of us together would feel too much. Our SW and DD's SW were there as well. She didn't have anyone with her as such, but she knew DD's SW well. I think you should ask if you can have someone there, even if that is a "neutral" SW IYSWiM.

It was the harddest meeting I have ever had, but I am so glad I did it. Your questions sound good, though don't be surprised if you don't get much back on the football supporting question (unless they are Man Utd fans, it's likely to indicate where they live). It took a whole to get going, but then was surprisingly un-awkward. I came out and sat in the car and burst into tears, though.

DD's birth mother basically came across as a lovely woman with rubbish taste in men. We had about 40 mins together, and a photo was taken for DD's file. I wish I had a copy of it for our memory box here - I must ask for one, actually.

StupidMistakes · 11/11/2013 18:51

I am a Chelsea fan but live in south east London , to be fair if they support a premier league team I doubt that will really give away there whereabouts tbh.

I am waiting for the social worker to get back to me with a time for the meeting and whether I am allowed my best friend present with me for support. I haven't had much contact with my DS's new social worker since he was placed for adoption so wouldn't really feel she would be of enough support iykwim, there are some people you feel comfortable crying in front of, where as with her I feel awkward and like I need to apologise for being emotional.

She did warn me that there might be tears all round, I don't doubt that I will be in tears a lot of the time, asking questions like when he was born, is going to bring back good memories but these memories still hurt. The way he felt in my arms, the way he would wrap his arms around my neck and play with my hair. All the things we used to do together

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EvaLongoria · 11/11/2013 19:02

Hi, I have a friend who is going through something similar. She has twin boys. She cannot find support anywhere I'm going to send her the link to this thread. I'm
Not sure she is registered on here so might inbox you if you would like to get in touch.
My thoughts are with you all

StupidMistakes · 11/11/2013 19:23

Thank you that would be really good to have someone who knows the feeling. Getting support seems almost impossible tbh.

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whatkatiedidnext31 · 12/11/2013 23:04

Sobbing reading this. Bless your heart x

Wuldric · 12/11/2013 23:11


Dear heart, I feel very sad for you. It is an emotional wrench. I am in awe of your bravery. It is such a kind and loving and fundamentally trustful thing that you are doing.

I hope when your DS comes looking, as he undoubtedly will, that you find love, peace and understanding.

edamsavestheday · 12/11/2013 23:20

Hold onto the thought that you are doing your very best for ds and they will do their very best for ds. I hope you can have someone there to support you. I wish you strength and courage.

Kyrptonite · 12/11/2013 23:41

In tears reading this. I have nothing constructive to add but I wish you the best. You sound lovely and I hope that you have support at this time xx

KristinaM · 13/11/2013 10:43

I know lots of adoptive parents who have met their child's birth mum ( and or other family members ) and a few birth parents how have met APs. I've never know anyone to regret it.

Yes it's very hard for everyone, especially the birth mum. But it's much better than not knowing anything.

I hope your meeting goes well OP. Your questions sound like good ones. Also your idea of writing things down in a book to give to the AP is a good one.

You might like to think of things that your son might ask when he is older, like your job or hobbies ( apart from football). What you liked at school. Where you lived and about your family when you were growing up.

It woudl also be good to tell him about his father. Please try to find some positive things to say about him ( I'm sure it will be hard ) .

I'm very very sorry for your loss. I know you will never forget your son and I hope he will know it too. And how much you loved him

StupidMistakes · 21/11/2013 13:36

Little update. Meeting is in almost two weeks time. I spoke to ds's social worker yesterday, still no news on further counselling I also was told that after speaking to her team manager the social worker has decided that I am not able to bring a friend or someone to support me, which has upset me quite a lot and I am also to refer to myself as "stupidmistakes" rather than baby's mum, which I feel is a little insensitive, I asked the reason for this and she said because he has a new mum now and you are now no longer such. This hurt, I sat and cried for about an hour. I know I am no longer caring for my son, but that is not my choice though I accept that it is what is best for him, but I am also still his birth mum, and will always love him, I carried him for nine months and he was with me until after his second birthday. He is a miracle, against the odds he pulled through,

Their social worker will be there, as will ds's who said the above, and I will have no one, I feel she is insensitive to my feelings and this will be about what the adopters can get out of it, rather than it being mutual

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RationalThought · 21/11/2013 13:57

I'm really sorry that you seem to be having such a hard time getting the support and respect you really deserve. Have you contacted any support organisation like After Adoption? They seem to be able to offer the right support and guidance for someone in your difficult situation.

My thoughts are with you Thanks

BritInTDot · 22/11/2013 04:07

I rarely ever feel quite so emotional on mumsnet threads as I have done reading your posts OP. I am literally crying for you and your little boy. My heart breaks that you weren't supported enough that you could stay together. I'm sure he knows you love him. Stay strong xx

Kewcumber · 22/11/2013 11:40

I'm sorry they have made this decision - do you feel able to query this decision on the basis that it isn't going to help anything if you feel too stressed or vulnerable to speak at the meeting? Offer to introduce your friend to the social worker before they make a decision. Maybe they are worried about how this extra (unknown to them) person will behave at the meeting?

I'm sure the adoptive parents don't think the meeting is about them, or you, I'm sure they have agreed only because its what best for your son.

I do think of DS's birth mum as his mother, I don't qualify it in my own mind with "birth" mother but it did take me a couple of years to be able to feel like this and not feel threatened by the connection - to feel secure enough as his mother to give his other mother the right place in the overall picture that is his life.

I really hope you can get some support to make the meeting as productive as possible for all of you.

FloozeyLoozey · 23/11/2013 00:49

I don't normally cry at threads on mn but this is so heartbreakingly poignant OP :( so sad. My heart goes out to you xxx

DIddled · 23/11/2013 01:10

What a brave and beautiful person you are Sm ( not calling you by your full name as it's not right for you). You are doing what you think is right for your your DS, which is truly selfless.

I hope your meeting gives you the comfort you deserve. lots of love in the meantime xxx

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 23/11/2013 01:25

Oh love :( Isn't there anyone else you can speak to about this? I really think you need someone there with you.

I am so sad for you that you haven't been supported enough to enable you to keep your DS and now they are heaping more pain on top of that - it's horrible :(

He will have two Mums now - you will always be his Mum. They can ask you not to call yourself that at this meeting (it's shit of them to do so though) but they cannot change the fact that you are his Mum - nothing and noone can change that x

Mellowandfruitful · 23/11/2013 01:29

I would definitely try and speak to someone else. Have they said why you can't bring someone with you? They ought to give a reason and if they do you can try to show why whatever it is wouldn't be a problem.

Flowers you are being very, very brave and I think your DS will appreciate that when he is old enough to understand.

StupidMistakes · 23/11/2013 18:19

I also offered social services for my solicitor to be present with me or the adoption counsellor but they feel this would breech confidentiality, there is fortunately at the building where the meeting will take place a public library underneath so my best friend is going to wait for me there, as it is public there is nothing to prevent her and the social worker has said this would be acceptable and to keep myself busy afterwards which me and my best friend had already arranged to go for a nice meal after.

I am doing this purely for my son, I am hoping the more they know about me the more they will be able to explain to him and answer the questions that at some point in life he will have.

I understand they feel that a solicitor would make it too formal, granted which is why I asked if my best friend could come, they don't feel me having a social worker assigned to me would be of benefit as idont have long enough to build up a relationship with a new social worker.

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StupidMistakes · 26/11/2013 20:11

I have given a lot of thought to the questions they may or may not ask about my sons father and as I have been told by the social worker he will also have the same opportunity to meet them I have decided to reply to any questions asked about him with "I was under the impression you were being given the opportunity to meet him so feel they are questions to ask him"

After the divorce, though I no longer feel anything for him, he put me through hell and back and I am awaiting therapy for the things he put me through so I don't feel able to speak about him openly at the moment especially in an already emotional situation. I hope the adopters will understand.

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KristinaM · 26/11/2013 22:17

I'm sure they will. I didn't realise they were meeting him too . I'm sorry you have had so much loss in your life

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 28/11/2013 10:06

You sound really lovely, so strong and focused on what's right for your son. Really selfless and brave xxx

StupidMistakes · 28/11/2013 21:48

They will be offered the opportunity to meet him separately, which whether or not he decides to go and put himself across I dunno tbh, I cant second guess ds's dad, I am hoping that he can find the strength to go for little man's sake, I am doing it for both of us, I am hoping that by meeting them it will make life easier for me too, I will be able to see they love him and will give him everything and though that will never take away the pain of him not being with me, it will provide me with some comfort, and make our letters easier, Its almost 5 months since I last saw him, but I still cry most days, I have been to the doctor but I suppose its just me learning to live without him, its the hardest thing I ever had to do is to say goodbye to my son and let him walk out of the door knowing I wouldn't watch him grow up, and knowing I wouldn't be a part of his life any more. I love him so much,

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Italiangreyhound · 28/11/2013 22:08

SM thinking of you.

KristinaM · 29/11/2013 17:55

I hope the meeting goes well SM. Please come back and update us, if you feel able. This board isn't just for adoptive parents or prospective adopters, it's for everyone involved in adoption . You are very welcome here

StupidMistakes · 30/11/2013 10:23

I meet the adopters this coming Tuesday at midday I have been emotional all week, but staying strong, I think it helps that I live with other people so I cant just sit and cry, I am in a house share with three less than able and completely clueless boys as in don't know how to use a washing machine or where the powder goes so I do sort of mummsy them I suppose lool

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