Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Is this normal?

61 replies

flippingebay · 05/11/2013 18:48

After a week of introductions our 20 month old dd came home to stay..

Is it normal to feel utter UTTER panic? Burst into tears at a moments notic, panic I'll never bond with her??? I'm a mess and feel like I have the emotions of just given birth!

We have a 5 yr old birth dd and I even feel and cry over feeling guilty for her (even though she's been an absolute star)

Our new dd have really bonded with my DH and he's been brilliant ensuring he gives me time with dd and doesn't take over just because it's easier. But everything with me is either 'no' or tears and tantrums.,

Please be gentle with me Hmm

OP posts:
allthingswillpass · 07/11/2013 16:46

Felt the same. Couldn't imagine how emotional it would be.
We're 18 weeks in and the strange child is now OUR little boy.
Ups and downs mostly ups now.
Lost 2 stone though Grin

Maryz · 07/11/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devora · 07/11/2013 21:38

Oh bless you, I know how hard this is. I decided I wasn't a very nice person, as I just resented dd2 for quite a while, and certainly didn't love her as much as I loved dd1 (my birth child).

Two things helped.

One was that I didn't fall in love with dd1 straightaway either. I remember looking at her when she was a few months old and thinking, "At what stage do I feel I would jump in front of a truck to save you?". I think I'm just a slow burn kind of mum - rest assured I love them both now, with great passion!

The second thing was knowing that I do find caring for toddlers very stressful. With dd1, I kind of mentally breathed out when she turned 4, and started enjoying her much more. dd2 has just turned 4, and I can feel the same relaxation, the same heightened enjoyment of her company.

Oh, one other thing helped!

dd1 and dd2 love each other. Really, really love each other. Strangely, I wasn't expecting that (was much more keyed up for sibling rivalry) and seeing that love emerge, even as I was finding it all a bit hard-going, was tremendously motivating.

Hang on in there - I promise you, it gets better Smile

Original poster
flippingebay · 07/11/2013 21:53

Maryz that must have been horrendous!

I've been feeling a lot more 'stable' today and I keep reminding myself of certain bits if what you've all said. I keep re reading this too, to remind myself I'm not completely fucking everyone's lives up Shock

DD1 has been a bit sensitive and tearful today so we've been trying to be extra kind to her too.. DD2 also woke with a terrible cold and is currently a snot monster (we do this because we enjoy it right Wink )

OP posts:
Devora · 07/11/2013 21:57

Oh yuck, snot is never going to help you love a child. I can handle pooh, blood, vomit, but I've never reconciled myself to kiddy snot (and the way it ends up being wiped over you, or dribbling into their mouths, or... I'll stop there).

Kewcumber · 07/11/2013 22:36

I knew I'd bonded when I caught DS's vomit in my hand rather than let it mark the sofa. Envy

Devora · 07/11/2013 23:01

I caught a poo once, just before it hit a friend's carpet...

Italiangreyhound · 07/11/2013 23:11

flippingebay no guidance to add, you seem to be doing well so just sending a virtual hug

Thepoodoctor · 07/11/2013 23:20

Our first was 20 months when he came home and I well remember the 'fuck what have I done' moments! And as for when he was 5 and DD came home ...

All normal, hugs and well done!

It is a slow burn. I remember thinking I liked DS when he came home (he was a seriously cute toddler) but it took me a while to love him.

However I was reading Philomena (book of the film about an Irish adoptee and his birth mother) last night, with my heart breaking for the little boy being taken from his birth mum for adoption in the States ... Except I was relating it to the idea of someone taking DS from me.

Noticed the paradox after a while Smile

Original poster
flippingebay · 08/11/2013 20:51

Had a really crappy morning but a much better afternoon. Almost managed to enjoy it..

I think I struggle and really take it personally that she doesn't want me. I'm trying not to and also notice my DH takes no notice of the 'no's' from DD2.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 09/11/2013 00:15

DS didn't want me at first - and I had no DH as an alternative but frankly he'd have taken anyone over me. It does make bonding much harder.

I resorted to below the belt tactics - his baby biscuits (he wasn;t allowed normally) smuggled in and dangled in front of my eyes until he made eye contact then he got the biscuit as a reward.

Thats a shameful thing to admit isn;t it... I bribed my child to bond with me Blush

Worked though Grin

Maryz · 09/11/2013 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 09/11/2013 12:37

flippingebay - now you are in the know about why I roll my eyes when people have said to me "next time I'm doing it the easy way and adopting"! Hmm

Original poster
flippingebay · 09/11/2013 12:52

You're absolutely right Kew!

She's asleep at the moment, she's sleeping really well and a lot which I'm putting down to stress at the moment, but making the most of a few minutes peace.

I've been on my own with DD1 and DD2 this morning so we've had a trip to the park. A few tears from DD2 but I've put that down to being cold and tired. Everyone's words of wisdom on here I've been remembering which has really helped my sanity.

OP posts:
DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 09/11/2013 15:44

Bribing sounds like a genius idea!

Hang on in there, I haven't adopted but have so much respect for those that have, it's not an easy ride and I can't believe people still think it is (except I can believe, as people think all sorts of stupid things!).

The people on this board are very wise and compassionate, great people to listen too.

Maryz · 09/11/2013 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FamiliesShareGerms · 10/11/2013 14:37

Ah, OP, frankly if you weren't feeling a bit overwhelmed at being a new parent again I'd say you weren't doing it properly Wink

DD bonded with me quickly, but took much longer to get going with DH - probably because (unusUally) she was closest to her foster father rather than mother, so I was less of an obvious replacement, IYSWIM. Lots of games like tickling and peekaboo helped no end to help that bond along.

Original poster
flippingebay · 10/11/2013 18:11

We've just had our first proper day out as a family and I'm almost feeling human. DD2 was great and not at all grisly or grumpy and DD1 even managed to say 'it's not fair' when DD2 had something different which felt 'normal' Smile

Last night was a real struggle with DD2 not going down or sleeping but DH insisted I saw to her and wouldn't even stay in the same room. It was bloody awful at the time but I think it's made a difference today and she even held my hand for a few minutes.

I'm clinging onto those few moments in a day when I'm feeling better and trying to remember them when it's not so good.

Thank you all for all your help and kind words, they really have made a massive difference

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 10/11/2013 18:25

Good for you. The first time I took DS out once we were home - he was about 14 months and (obviously) still in a pram. I cried because it was a rear facing pram and the bloody wheels wouldn't go where I wanted them to! It was a bloody disaster and I howled for the 30 minutes we were out! So you're well ahead of me.

Maryz · 10/11/2013 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buster51 · 24/11/2013 16:52

Reading through all of your comments has really helped me a lot. I am now 4 weeks into the adoption of our 4 yr old boy, & since my DH returned back to work our bond has got stronger (I think?!). That being said when he returns on weekends I/we take a step back (I feel this anyway). He has always been more comfortable with DH since day one, & when he returns he goes back to him constantly etc (I realise this is probably also an element of excited to see him). However, he is still yet to attatch to me in the same way. I have got as far as him being able to sit on my knee through a lot of play which is great progress.

My worry is I take it personally everytime, & I know I shouldn't. I just wondered how other mums have dealt with this as it does upset me :( advice is much appreciated :)

MyFeetAreCold · 24/11/2013 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilka · 24/11/2013 22:31

Of course we did, we're very vicious vipers at that Wink

You are 1000% guarunteed abolsutely normal, end of story

Lilka · 24/11/2013 22:37

It took me a long time to feel love. Truly honestly, at first with my girls, there were days I disliked them. And not in the 'ever parent dislikes their child sometimes' way. There wasn't any love there, only bad feelings. First came protectiveness. Then came the slight change I can only describe as "I'm used to having you around now, I am struggling to remember the time before you moved in". Then came the time when I began to like having them around more often than I felt dislike and resentment. And so on and on. Till I didn't want them to leave. And then more time. And then I loved. And then more time. And I loved unconditionally.

I love the fact that this board is here, so you can say, and know there will be people reading who get it, how you are feeling. It's so normal to take a long while to bond.

Kewcumber · 24/11/2013 22:57

Buster - if its any consolation DS wouldn't actually make eye contact with me for about 3 weeks - and I didn't even had a DH to compete against for attention! Way to go Junior, how to make your mother feel like a total loser!

My worry is I take it personally everytime, & I know I shouldn't. - well yes but that's because it is personal! DS seemed to understand for the outset that I was somehow different to all teh other random people he met and fought tooth and mail not to bond (IMO!), its almost like fighting against falling in love with someone because you know its going to make you vulnerable and the one thing almost all adopted children have already learnt is that shit things do actually happen, people you have bonded to leave and that it hurts.

It may be that because your DH is not around consistently in the week he doesn't feel that overwhelmed by him (if that makes sense) or maybe he hasn't ever bonded with a man before so is not so threatened by developing an emotional relationship with one - just speculating.

Anyway, knowing you shouldn't feel that way isn't really very relevant (though why on earth shouldn't you?!), what matters is that you are able to accept that the bonding and attachment process really does take time - months in my opinion. Marathon not a sprint and all that...

And be kind to yourself... its bloody weird being given a strange child and having to pretend they're yours for the best part of your waking day - its exhausting!