In 1 hour our DC's will visit our home for the first time.....panicking!!

[Ladyofthehouse]

Met our DC's last Wednesday and it has all been going so, so well! Took them out on our own on Saturday to soft play and it was great fun - did nappy changes out and gave them their tea. We've done naptimes, bathtimes, tantrums, food and it is going much better than we had ever hoped.

Yesterday was our rest day and I was so tearful and missing them!

So today is the first visit here (and will also meet our dog!) with their foster carer and social worker - and I'm panicking more than when we met them last week!

The relationship with the FC is really hard and the time in her house has been a real struggle for a number of reasons which isn't helping.

Been up since 5 and can't eat - is this normal??

Scarlet, you sound like a lovely FC. I want to be really clear that I completely understand how difficult introductions can be for fc, and I personally didn't expect a 'perfect service' from them - I hoped for a warm human being who would be sensitive to our feelings while rightly expecting us to be sensitive to hers, and who would work with us to put the child's needs at the forefront.

I can give you a sense of what our FC did wrong, if that is of any help: took our dd away for a 'last holiday' the weekend before we arrived, so we turned up for the arranged first meeting and had to wait on her doorstep for an hour while she drove back from the seaside with a tired unsettled child. She turned the whole week into a drama about her feelings, with everyone else running round trying to placate her. She threw a tantrum because we agreed to meet the birth mother and she didn't think we should. She only let us take out dd when she was asleep. She wouldn't show us dd's room, so we couldn't try to recreate any aspects of it. She didn't tell us some really important things - like that a blanket she packed was actually a COMFORT blanket (thus depriving our dd of the comfort; we just thought it was spare bedding). She kept a box of dd's things given by her birth family as 'hostage' until we would agree to her terms over 'visiting rights'. She basically made the week all about her and her dramas. And apparently she has done this with a string of children.

So as long as you do none of that - and I can't believe you would - you're doing well in my book

Devora - I am literally speechless at your description of what your DD's FC did. And saddened that a difficult time for your DD was doubtless made more traumatic by her approach.

Makes me even more thankful that DD had the FC that she did

Lady hope doing bedtime went well. No experience but wanted to upwish you lots of joy in your DDs and to keep us posted!

Lady - sounds like you're doing really well. It is 6 months since we were where you are, and reading your post brought it all back. The anxiety about our dog (who did brilliantly), whether she would like us, our home etc. and the sheer mental and physical exhaustion of bridging. One night having done a drive back home from the FC, we couldn't even speak! But not long now for you I hope. My overwhelming feeling once she had been to ours was that I wanted her here permanently and we were fortunate to be able to bring the date forward a couple of days. Good luck with it all - how exciting!!

Scarlet - again I'm amazed about the lack of training. Our FC was awesome - so much so that we have met up with them twice since our DD came to us, and regularly keep in contact. What they did:

• first day. Put the kettle on after 10 minutes and left us with our DD (very low key)
• made us welcome in their home. Showed us where everything was. So much so that I was brewing up on day 2
• Fed us (so needed when it is so draining).
• Didn't assume that we knew anything but wasn't patronising. She did it along the lines of "I'll just change the nappy for the first couple of times, with you watching so that DD gets used to you - code for "you can see how I do it without having to ask!"
• wanted our opinion on how the week would work (and spoke to our SW to get things moving quicker)
• the final day. We asked what they wanted us to do, and we did it. It was a very tough moment for all. She wanted to put DD in the car and for us to go straight after.

It is a fine balance between letting the adoptive parents get stuck in, and making sure they are comfortable with what they are doing.

We have heard horror stories and know that our DD is blessed to have them in her life.

Thank you everyone for the advice. Intros have now begun and I've made sure the kettle has been on constantly. LO is very attached so there have been tears but I've managed to leave him with his new mummy and daddy today while I stayed in the kitchen making dinner. He loves his new daddy and even had a nap on him! (I think daddy had a sneaky 40 winks too...)

Devora I'm shocked at the way your DDs FC handled introductions. Is she still a FC now? No matter how hard I find intros, or how attached I am to the LO, or even if I don't really take to the adopters (not everyone will have the same way of doing things and I respect that) I would ALWAYS make this difficult time as easy as possible - especially for the child! I'm amazed your DDs SW agreed to the holiday too.

The comfort blanket has upset me most of all. Maybe because my LO has one too and I'd hate to think of him being put to bed in a new house without it. I even ask my LOs new parents to use the same washing powder as me at first!

Hello!

Quick update - the girls came home today and are now asleep in their beds upstairs I'm terrified to move in case they wake up - does that disappear ever?? DH is busy cleaning the carnage in the kitchen and I'm resisting the urge to tell him to shush!

At the FC's house they were sharing rooms with other children and it was a very noisy house but I just want them to have a good sleep now.

Today has been amazing - the handover was a bit emotional but the girls were none the wiser. We went for a walk with our dog, then played with bubbles in the garden and after they'd had a nap (out for a drive to get them off as the rooms were a bit strange in daylight) we went and fed the ducks and jumped in puddles in their new wellies.

While they were out for the drive with DH I unpacked all their clothes and put lots of their toys from the foster home around and their old bedding on. We made sure to read them stories tonight from books they came with too. So I'm hoping this will all help them to settle. The youngest hasn't really taken to me yet but won't leave DH out of her sight - our SW said this is the way it normally happens and it will just take longer with me.

The FC seemed to warm to us after the visit to our house and I even got a "well done" for getting the little one off to sleep.

I do feel she hasn't been very supported and she had two boisterous toddlers in a small house which I think they had outgrown a while ago. They'd been with her for over a year so were very attached.

I think what made it hard for us is we just didn't really feel welcome in her home so although we were meant to be caring for the children we weren't told where nappies were kept or how to do things. It was her first adoption although she had fostered lots of times before the children have always gone back to the birth family. We also weren't left alone very often just because it wasn't practical in such a small house so although we were doing baths she was still visible for example.

She has since said that she thinks it is a perfect match and gave us a present in with their clothes. This meant the world to me.

Anyway, so our story begins really! At the moment I'm completely in awe of the two little girls asleep upstairs. They have been through a lot in their short lives and yet they are so gorgeous and loving

Ladyofthehouse, what a lovely post! Must admit, I haven't told my new parents where the nappies are and had just assumed they'd remembered when I changed the first one. Have written myself a mental note!

I have a small house too and it's very hard to make yourself scarce without standing in the garden in the rain! Surprised your DD were sharing rooms though - its strictly forbidden by my LA.

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight, tomorrow will be an early start I bet!

Congratulations Lady!! :) Your daughters, home forever

It's a real shame FC wasn't supported well, although I suspect that happens quite often sadly

Enjoy your new family!

Glad your respective introductions are going well, Lady and Scarlet, it's an exciting time (but I know it must be sad for you, Scarlet)

Scarlet - not to worry I'm sure they worked it out! Trouble was in our FC house they weren't really in a place - everything was just everywhere!!

I was quite surprised with the whole setup to be honest. They have doe an amazing job with them but I don't think it was the right place for them. SW's seem to agree but they are just so desperate for FC's. Very sad really. They are perfect foster carers but have children of their own that already fill the house. They need a Secret Millionaire to buy them a bigger place - just makes you realise how bad the system is really.

ladyofthehouse I am almost in tears reading your account of that first night. How moving. How wonderful you got a gift from FC.

I am very moved and very encouraged.

God bless you with this wonderful new family and may you enjoy every minute.

And when there are times you don't enjoy as much, I hope you will have great support and encouragement because all little kids can bring those challenges, but for the moment I just hope this wonderful time is brilliant.

You are making magical memories for all of you, I am sure, I can almost see the bubbles in the garden! Sorry to be such an old softie but am happy for you.

I am just so delighted for you.

Congratulations LOTH - I keep a special eye out for your posts, as I do believe we were approved on the same day!

What's even worse is that it's very, very difficult to get a mortgage as a foster carer so unless you have a house that's too big when you start you're pretty much stuck with one that's too small after a few years. They're so desperate for us to take more children that even though you start with enough room this quickly runs out and you end up with prams in your bedroom and sterilisers in your bathroom cupboards (true fact as I type this!).

{whispers} I'm in tears too xxx

What a lovely post. Lady. I remember the first night at home so well, tiptoeing around!
When we adopted our first two girls, the eldest was two and a half, she attached to me much quicker than to DH. I had to do everything, daddy was not even allowed to pass her a drink or strap her in the car. We went along with it, with no fuss, knowing it was all normal behaviour, it did not take long for daddy to become the favourite.
So pleased too that the relationship with the foster carer improved.

Ladyofthehouse, I am so thrilled to hear your first day/night has gone well. I wish you all the luck in the world for your future with you lovely daughters (and hubby of course)!
Long may it continue xxxx

Gorgeous post LadyoftheHouse - I'm so glad it's going well :)

Congratulations, Lady, I am so pleased for you and for your daughters

Scarlet, I am in awe of foster carers. They (in general) do a fantastic job in managing to love the children placed with them, and still put the children's needs first in allowing them to love their new parents.

Congratulations Lady. Keep us posted on how it all goes, hope they settle in well.

Congratulations, you lucky lucky family, what a lot of life you have to life together. I bet your looking forward to Christmas with them, and all the Christmases to come.

So pleased its gone so well for you

This is so heartwarming - just what's needed. Thanks for keeping up the posts Lady, especially when you must be so busy. Imagine you're planning a magic christmas and best wishes for you and your new family!