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Adoption

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Original poster

Do you think adoptive parents appreciate their children more?

39 replies

JazzAnnNonMouse · 01/10/2012 09:17

because of the long process you have to go through and how hard it is do you think adoptive parents in general appreciate it more?
It can't be a accident, Surprise etc so lots of time to prepare and want - does this make for better parents? (not saying that birth parents (probably using wrong terms) don't always prepare and want either!)

Just for context I have a dd (birth)

OP posts:

Hayleyh34 · 02/10/2012 14:39

No. But I think other people expect you to!

Whenever I say to my mum that my DD is driving me mad, she ALWAYS makes some comment along the lines of we should be grateful that we have her...

LilyBolero · 02/10/2012 14:40

No. And what's more, I hate it when people say 'they were an IVF baby, so extra special'.

No baby is replaceable. If your child died, just because you didn't have to go through a process like IVF or adoption, you would grieve just the same. And you could have all the children you liked, and they wouldn't replace the lost child.

So no, I don't think that.

Italiangreyhound · 02/10/2012 21:06

I haven't adopted yet so can't say what that feels like. I do know I have been through years of fertility treatment and I think that has made me personally more grateful for my DD because pregnancy was pretty hard for me to achieve!

I have several friends in real life who have numerous children each. A couple of them do moan quite a lot about their kids. I have no doubt that they love them to bits and would never be without them. They complain about how much everything costs with three kids, and how much hard work it is etc. And I know that they planned their kids so they planned three each. Having friends who have no children and would dearly love them, and having had so much treatment myself, has made me watch my mouth more and try to never say anything that would imply I am not grateful for my daughter.

I can't answer for everyone but I am pretty sure that a long drawn out process like adoption or fertility treatment may well make you feel more appreciation for your children, it's NOT the same as saying you love them more, maybe it is just saying you are amazed after let downs or dissapointments that you have them!

QOD · 02/10/2012 21:35

I only know of one couple with young adopted siblings, I know they do love them but they are freaking intolerant parents. I think it's incredibly had to suddenly become a parent to 2 children aged 2 and 4
My dd (straight surrogate) was with me from birth and I now realise even more how much easier/normal it was for me to parent her.
I did find it impossible to ask for help or complain in the early years, to my detriment

QOD · 02/10/2012 21:58

I didn't really answer the question!
I dunno, I think I did appreciate her more as a baby but one reason was cos I wasn't exhausted by pregnancy and birth and was floating on air

Devora · 02/10/2012 22:31

I often have this little fantasy where I visit myself 8 years ago, when I was really in a very dark place - turning 40, no children, renting a tiny cluttered flat and hating my job - and I kind of take myself by the hand and say, "It's ok, everything will be alright. You're going to have wonderful daughters and you will raise them in a house where they have their own bedroom and go to great schools and you'll have a cat and a garden".

Every time, it makes me count my blessings and feel so much happier. I'm knackered and stressed and have no money to spend on myself, but life has been good to me these last few years.

Maryz · 02/10/2012 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeaLola · 02/10/2012 22:52

I can't really answer the Q.

I think all my friends appreciate their children & I really appreciate my DS placed earlier this summer.

I still have to pinch myself that he is ours - I am honoured to be his Mummy - one of hs little hugs, smiles, the way he ran out of school today when he saw me & wanted a "lift off the ground hug" , just everything (including the naughty moments) its made everything we went through worthwhile & yes I remind myself of these things when I start worrying about will I be the best Mummy, why don't I Know x y or z about school when all the other Mums at the gate seem so knowledgeable & "yummy Mummy" which I'm not but I love him so very much - I don't think I appreciate him more because he is not mine biologically & after miscarriages /IVF & adoption process has taken so long to be able to say "I'm a Mummy" but I think I feel appreciation that I got there & already I cannot imagine life without him in it.

Devora · 02/10/2012 23:33

What a lovely post, BeaLola.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2012 00:01

Bealola how lovely.

morethanpotatoprints · 07/10/2012 00:14

I know this is a bit off thread, but I miss my parents (adoptive) so much. They passed away 4 and 5 years ago.

I was so lucky to have them, they loved me and my 2 adopted sisters so much.
They went to court 3 times for each of us, encouraged our talents and nurtured us.
Changed our nappies and dabbed calamine lotion on chicken pox. Nursed German Measles.
Paid for dance and music lessons and helped with school work. Did everything our peers parents did and much more.
I will never forget them and am eternally grateful.
I couldn't have wished for better parents.

Devora · 07/10/2012 00:56

That is so lovely, morethanpotatoprints.

This thread is making me all sniffly.

HappySunflower · 07/10/2012 01:06

My journey to adoption was a very, very long one. 4.5 years from when I made that first call to when my daughter came home.
My life has changed beyond all recognition since. I have changed too.
I didn't realise that I had the capacity to love another person this much. It's as though she has been what I have waited my whole life for.

Do I appreciate my child more than my friend who underwent 6 years of treatment to have her children appreciates hers?
No, I don't think so.

I do feel extraordinarily blessed, though, and I know from deep within my heart, soul and very existence, that I could not love my little girl more if I had given birth to her.

morethanpotatoprints · 08/10/2012 02:19

Wow Sunflower.

I am so pleased for you, and it is so nice to hear somebody voice this in this day and age, whether birth parent or not. I feel the same way about my dcs and I often think its because I experienced so much love as a child. Being adopted or being an adopted parent I believe can put a more overwhelming slant on love, affection and bonding. I think your dd is also very blessed to have you, but I'm sure she realises this.
None of our children were planned and when ds1 came along it hit me hard. I didn't know I was pregnant until 20 weeks and dh and I were not really ready. However, the biggest shock was the realisation that he was the first blood relative I had ever known, it really hit me hard and I wept buckets. (Not hormonal, either) Thankfully we managed and ds1 and other dcs are the best things that ever happened to me.
FWIW, I believe that giving birth doesn't make you a parent, its what you do that makes you mum or dad.
It takes special people to adopt a child and because I don't have any issues now and rarely visit these pages, I want to take my hat off to you all and give you my respect x

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