we've made the decision.

[waitingtobeamummy]

After much discussion we've decided we are going to start the adoption process!
We know It's going to be hard work, that we will be told bad stories and that we might not be chosen, but we are so excited that this is the beginning of our families story.

Good luck. We have had our little one for 3 months, having been matched with her just 12 months after putting our initial form in - so not that long a wait. Just be honest about the fertility treatment - we were and it was fine. You will hear lots more horror stories along the way - I remember the first day of adoption training, and wondering how many of the prospective adoptive parents would come back for day 2! (they all did BTW). But it is so worth it - we have been blessed. I look back at our 10 years of TTC and wonder why we didn't look at adopting years earlier - but having said that we wouldn't have this particular special girl now if we had. x

Thanks happies that's so quick! Only a bit longer than being pregnant! I think that's my point, why should we potentially waste years and years trying when their are so many children out there already. I worry if I say that they could say, well you could be,waiting years anyway, its not the easy option etc. I'm worried I'll mess things up by saying things wrong.

I don't think that you can say anything 'wrong'. I am a bit of 'speak before I think' person, and there were many times along our journey where I wondered whether I had said something I shouldn't. But no, honesty is definitely for the best. My one bit of advice is to be VERY honest when it comes to what you do and don't feel that you can handle - looking through the list of all the criteria for the child you are looking for feels very strange, and we had immense guilt at saying that we did not feel that we could deal with many of the things on the list. However it means that they find the right child for you. Our social worker was able to rule out children for us without us having to go through the heartache of reading profiles as we had been very clear with her. Good luck, and let us know how you get on x

Waiting -i would strongly urge you to consider completeing fertility treament befroe you consider start the adoption process. I dont know your age, but one year might make all the difference to your chances of conceiving, whereas it wont many much difference to your chances of adopting

For the vast majority of familes, adoption is NOt a faster route to getting a child.

Also, the kind of child you can afopt and the one you can give birth too are totatlly different. Not just in age-you will alreday know that you cannot adopt a newborn -" babies" are up to 2 years. Many agencies only approve now for 0-5years.

You say you want to give a home to a child who needs it. There are no healthy babies or toddlers waitimg for a home -there is a lomg list of famioesalreday approved and waiting for them. The children needing a bome are usually school aged or in sibling groups, need a family who reflect their ethnicity and /or have significant special needs. Most will have been abused or negleted and all will have surrered trauma and loss. Pareting thme can be very different from " normal" parenting

If your weight was an issue for the assisted conception serice it will almost certainly be an issue for an adoption agency.

Most agencies will be very wary of agreeing to asses you. They will be afraid that your decsion to quit infertility treament whe you were asked to lose weight is impetuous. They will fear that you will pull out of the assessmnt process when you discover that adoptoin isnt a fast track to a healthy white newborn. Or when you are faced with a difficult issue.

Im sorry , im sure you dont waht to hear this.

I have to disagree about no healthy babies or toddlers to be placed as I just have with a now 3 yr old (2 when placed) with 'waiting' only 6 weeks after approval. Our LA has just placed 5 healthy 5-7 month olds in the last 4 months with more coming through the system. All these approved couples waited max 1 year with most waiting less than 6 months. I really think it depends on where in the country you are as up here in the northwest where I am the majority of the children are white british and there hardly any sibling groups - for which were originally approved for.

Kristina I have never ever said I saw this as a fast track, or that we want a "perfect" child. If we had a child naturally it could still have a disability. We would be very shallow if we were only wanting a "perfect new born baby". I'm not stupid, I know that we will be having a child who has been removed from a family because their are problemsost probably from abuse.
For the past two years we have thought about things every day, we are definatly not rushing onto things.
And with regards to my weight. I was told I needed my bmi to be 33. I have now been told 30, I am currently 32.5. So I am pretty sure my weight won't be an issue. We are most certainly not doing this because I cannot be bothered to lose weight.
I have had so many positives off people on here, but you have now really upset me by judging us and made me feel like we have really messed up our life and will never be able to have a child.

I didnt say there were no healthy babies or young children, i just said that nonne of them are waiting as there are families waiting to adopt them and nit vice versa. I said this as the op said She wanted to give " a child who needs it a home". That suggests a chikd who is hard to place, not a healthy baby or toddler.

Op, i am not judging you, i have said nithing abut you messing up your life or that you can never had a child. On the contrary i am encouraing you to Consider continuing with infertility treatment so that you can indeed have a child born to you. Or at least rule out that option BEFORE proceding to adoption, rather than quit because you have not lost enough weight

I am trying to help you by explaining how the choices you have made might well be viewed by an adoption agency. It could easily take another 6 montsh befroe you get to the point of someone teling you what i am saying here. By then you may have lost your place on the asissted conception waiting list. I assume that you are now on the " deferred" list. If you proceded with a home study you will have to come off that list completely and you may have to start again if you reapply later.

With regarsd to weight, if you have have a letter from your locall Adoption agency saying that their mediacl adviisor has no problems with your BMI then that fine. But you didnt say that in your OP. Otherwise im afraid that your " being pretty sure" isnt worth much. Its not unknown for families to get all the way to panel befroe they discover that its IS an issues. I dont want this to happen to you 12 montsh from now.

I said nothing in my post abobut you " not being bothered to lose weight" . Again, you are putting words into my mouth.

It would be very easy for me to be " positive" by saying " yeah that great, go for it, you will have a newborn baby 10 months from now". Whatever. Instead i am tryimg to give you constructive advice which i hope will save you time , stress and worry.

Please think through what i have said. If you do procede to an assessmnt i can promise you that any decent SW will raise these issues with you indepth

Good luck whatever you decide

kristina I came on this thread full of hope which you have ruined. Are you a social worker? You have really upset me and made me feel like nothing good is ever going to happen. If that was your intention you have well and truly done it.

Imsorry if you feel that way. As ive explained, i have tried to give you good advice, which is based on my experince and my knowledge of health service and adoptionageny policies and procedures.i understand its hard when soemone gives advice you dont like. I dont know you or the details of your circumstances. i may well be wrong. You dont have to agree or act upon it. whenyou posted the thread you must have realised that you might not like or agree with everythijg that is said?

Your suggestion that i am trying to upset you is just childish. Honestly, if this is how you react to soemone having a different opinion or suggestion, you will struggle to get through the home study.

Im not sittimg here bored lookimg for things to do.i have 3small children who are on holiday. I am tryimg to help you. Im sorry you dont see It that way

As i said befroe, good luck ,whatever you do

Sorry x posted with mary. Must remmeber to refresh page

I still find your comments harsh. If that makes me childish, and that I will struggle with the sw then thank you for making me see this. I don't think I will be talking on here about it for a good while yet. I honestly do feel hurt and upset. Thank you for all of you who were kind and caring x

I also read Kristina's posts as very helpful, if I were the OP I'ld really appreciate knowing what I'm up against with eyes open before going into this process, if these subjects are too touchy then maybe it is too soon? because they will be disected a lot more harshly in the process going by what people I know who've adopted have experienced.

I did also read that where adoptions fail most are US adoptions where the parents feel they are doing the children a favour by "giving them a better life" as opposed to here where most parents view it as the other way round, i.e. this child has given us the chance to be its parent. The child will not necessarily, or ever thank you for the fact it had a shitty start, all you can offer it is what it was entitled to in the first place! I think a better way to approach it is the chance you are being offered, and take it from there..

Best of luck, hope it works out for the best x

Waitingtobemummy, so sorry you have been upset, I too had someone on here who was too forthright in their opinion and was frankly insulting, my advice is take what you need/want from this forum and disregard the rest. From most you will achieve a balanced, caring and positive response which is very helpful. Of course you must consider the positive and negatives of everyone's advice but some people need to learn how to offer their opinion in a more palatable way.

Waitimg -findimg my commenst harsh or unpaletable doesnt make you childish. I am perfectly happy to be disagrred with and if ive got any facts wrong i would really like to be told so i dont make the same mistake again.

But suggesting that i intended to upset you Is childish and uncalled for

As ive said several times now, i wish you well however things work out for you

Thank yoy funny much appreciated. X

Well done. Please please persevere it's worth it I promise.
From a world weary SW

Thank you both. We will be fine when It's s.w. as we are prepared for that. Just took me by suprise when I was just looking for reassaurance.

KristinaM your post of 17.15 - the original one anyway - is v accurate IMO/experience - a bit blunt but they are very much the facts and potential adopters need to know them.
Professionally I would advise potential adopters to keep an open mind and inform themselves. A newborn baby is indeed hard to come by - my authority adopts up to 8. However - a less conventional set up still often results in a loving and fulfilled family. I know some v successful adoption placements - I just echo Kristina about understanding whether you want a child it whether you are desperate for a baby.

Maryz, who said I was talking about Kristina? and who said I what I was talking about unpalatable comments was this particular post?, because it wasn't actually!!

He he - I can be blunt yes but usually not enough

OP, I suggest you step away from the thread, take a deep breath, sleep on it, then come back and reread this thread. You know, if you proceed with adoption the posters on here will be a great support group for you. And you will come to see Kristina as one of the great assets here. She is forthright and occasionally, um, bracing - she's told me what's what a few times - but she is always compassionate and wise and cuts straight through to what's important.

We will be on your side, we will give you loads of reassurance and support, but we're a feisty bunch almost by definition - adoption is not for wimps and you do have to be very resilient to get through the process. Honestly, what Kristina just said to you is NOTHING compared to what the social workers dish out!

You are very welcome here and I wish you all the best of luck with your journey.