Birthday celebrations - Advice from adults who were adopted as children

[guccigirly]

Every year my DH and children get very excited as my birthday approaches planning celebrations for the day. I on the other hand just want to let it pass without too much fuss. It is only in the last few years (I am in my 40's now) that I have realised that the reason for this is that my birth was not a celebration, I was given away by my unmarried 17 year old Irish Catholic mother a few weeks after birth.

Although I am now in touch with my Birth Mother and we get along, I still can't bring myself to enjoy my birthday. Can anyone who has been adopted as a child identify with these feelings or offer advice as to how I can overcome it and enjoy my birthday like everyone else ?

Maryz, I've been meaning to respond to your last post for a few days now, but I've been struggling with how/what I'm going to say.

I was adopted in the late 1950s as a baby (so obviously I'm ... erm ... rather middle aged now). But 'in my day', if you'll excuse the expression, adoptive parents weren't told very much (actually, in my case they did know rather more - but that's a different story), so adoptive parents had very limited information to tell their adopted children - plus, I believe, it was almost encouraged that adoptive parents didn't tell their adopted child much - if anything.

I gather, more recently, that not only do adoptive parents know so much more, but they're actively encouraged to tell their adopted children much more - and at a much earlier age. If this is the case with you and your DSs, do you think that it's been too much information for them?

I don't mean this as a criticism at all. I have two friends (as in two separate couples) who've adopted over the last few years, and I gather that telling their children everything about their birth parents is 'part of the process', so to speak.

Ola, I think the are many problems with NOT telling adopted children difficult information about their past

It's THEIR information so they have a moral right to it

Other people have that information and can live with it, so why not the child

If you lie to them when they area child, at what age do you confess this and then teell the truth?

Most important, they often have lived through neglect and abuse and always rejection, abandonment and loss. They still have the feelings and memories of it, but often not the words to express it, especially if it happened when they were pre verbal

So when we lie to them about their past, they suffer even more of a disconnect , they learn to not trust themselves, their own bodies and feelings and us. They blame themselves for feeling ( or often being) so bad when the blame lies elsewhere.

Imagine if you were raped and you had your family and friends telling you " no it wasn't rape, you consented. Besides it wasn't his fault as he was drunk , he loved you really" etc etc. Would that make it easier to get over the experince?

If our children have removed from neglectful or abusive birth parenst, why woudl we tell them lies about loving parenst who gave them away because they were too poor/young/homeless etc?

I understand that it's easier for adults to not tell children, under the pretense that it's protecting them. But often it's to protect the adult from having to deal with their own and the children feelings

So no, I don't think that adopted children nowadays are told " too mush information" . Their past are often more difficult than the babies relinquished in the 1950s and 60s. But they will deserve the truth

I know one child who has a relatively straightforward story -he was one of the few children given up at birth, born into a strict religious family who insisted he was adopted by a family which followed the same religion. By middle childhood this child was quite distraught about his background and desperate for more information about ( and perhaps to meet) his birth family. His a-parenst had information but said he could have it when he was 16.he eventually made several suicide attempts

Sorry, pressed post too soon

I think this lad is an example of what Mary said-he couldn't cope with knowing but I suspect he couldn't have coped with not knowing either. I don't think we know why soem children are so much more emotionally resistant than others. I guess it must be related to personality, as well as genetic factors.

Research on post institutionalised children shows that the ones that do best later are the " resilient rascals" . Though this only shows a positive correlation, not cause and effect

"It's THEIR information so they have a moral right to it"

I feel really strongly about this. It's DS's life I have no right to make fundamental decisions about not making him part of the elite band who know the truth about his life.

Telling them the truth as you know it does not necessarily mean that you tell them every single little piece of information as soon as they are capable of hearing and speaking. Its telling them the age appropriate truth.

So we started with - "you didn't grow in mummy''s tummy but in another lady's. Then Mummy came to find you and you are a family now" then you add in a little information about birth parents then you might add what you know of why they were placed for adoption. Now DS is 6 (and a half) he is asking me questions about why I wanted to be a mum and why I adopted and the straight forward answers (the bits that make babies in my tummy didn't work properly) - he wants to discuss feelings so we do. I've no doubt within a couple of years we will be speculating in more depth about the circumstances of his relinquishment because he will want to turn it over in his head (more than!) a few times. So be it - I'll go where he leads in addition to leading him a bit too. It will be part of his journey to work out who he is and what his place in the world is. How can he work that out if he doesn't know all the facts that I know?

I have never thought about it this way. I like someone else who posted have two birthdays like the queen! My actual birthday and the day my adopted parents took me home. I do wonder if my birthdays have been indulgent as I have fond memories of them, especially the "special" ones.
Sad to hear some adopters have felt this way

I was adopted as an infant and have the deep rooted sadness.
Im turning 30 on monday the 21st and I cant keep these feelings locked in. It happens every year, I am a mother of 3 and happily married with no reason to be sad but I find myself having to remind myself "I am worth it and there is nothing wrong with me"
Birthdays are special to children and parents who didnt go through adoption. Its the day you fell in love with your child, the day you were "welcomed/received" in to the world. For us adoptees (or atleast for me) its the day when the birthingroom went quiet. The day my first cry brought tears of sadness, it is the day I was not wanted.

Unfortunately, this is the exact same feelings I struggle with internally (because I would never openly admit it to anyone).
Ive been doing some research in regards to all this and it turns out that real studies by psychologists show that adoption (even as infants) is a traumatic event. Chemically as babies we cannot self soothe, our mother was taken from us and thise feelings are deeply wired subconsciously.

I am grateful for a page like this where I can share these feelings. It seems like I am always so alone. Like adoption isnt very much spoken about and people really dont understand. I share why I get sad and get met with people telling me how I should be grateful instead.
I AM grateful, i dont regret my family or my past. I am allowed to feel sorry for myself and instead of being told how I should be feeling I should be met with some empathy. Cry with me. My birthday was a sad day.

dPack - I'm sorry you are feeling so alone. I hope that you can see from the thread above that many other adoptees feel sadness on their birthday .

However this is a 4 years old thread so you any not get many replies from the posters above .

You say you would never admit your feelings to anyone but that might be making you feel even more isolated . Would you consider some counselling? I'm an adoptee too and I found it really helped .

While there's lots of talk about adoption here and in other places online, most people in RL don't know much about it and often don't know what to say . So they can reply with unhelpful cliches such as

" you should be grateful you had such a good family "

" it's for the best / it's turned out well in the end "

I think its important to say that you are not alone in your tears . Everyone involved in adoption - the adoptee , birth family, adoptive family - all come to adoption from a place of loss . Birthdays can be one of the times when these feelings come to the surface for everyone .

Dpack I'm so glad you've resurrected this thread. I share so many of your feelings but have nobody to talk to. I will post fully later today. Take care x

Hi dPack, how did things go yesterday ?

I never realised the birthday issue was a 'thing ' adoptees experience. Wow. This resonates. I also share my birthday with my adoptive mum. That is special but also interesting too- growing up the day was often mostly about her because my dad was concerned with making sure it went well for her. Don't even get me started on Mother's Day.

Dpack- come back!