Advice please on 1st visit with social worker

[Broodymomma]

Oh my nerves are kicking in. We made our initial enquiry regarding adoption 3 weeks ago and we have a social worker coming to see us on Friday at home. All we know is she will be here for 2hrs but we have no idea what to expect or what she will talk about at this visit. I am so nervous and have been cleaning since Sunday!!! Any advice on what to expect would be appreciated. Thanks

I also cleaned the house from top to bottom and she didnt even look round! All the first visit is a getting to know you session. She will ask about why you have come to think about adoption, about any fertility treatments and when you finished them. Most L.A's want there to be at least 6 months after your last treatment. She will ask about your family, your support networks, how many children and ages you would consider. What kind of adoption leave you will be able to take and your partner and what you intend to do about work afterwards. It is a two way street so she will also tell you about what kind of children are looking for homes and the kind of backgrounds they have come from and what kind of impact their backgrounds will have upon them.

Although mine didn't she will probably look round you house and garden.

Dont worry about it at all, it really is just a chat to get to know you better

Best of luck, let us know how you get on xx

Thanks so much. We have just ended a 8 year ivf rollercoaster in march but did tell her that when I first spoke to her and she said she would be happy to meet us as by the prep course in August should we be accepted for it we will have hit 6 months. We have a 5 year old son from ivf and we just feel enough is enough with the ivf and our hearts are on this new path.

I am fortunate enough I could take a year off work and we have a lovely home with 3 spare rooms we always hoped to fill. The only thing that worries me is we have very small families and not a massive support network where we live but it's never caused us a problem as both families are only 45mins away. Hope that does not count against us also both my parents are in Ill health that won't improve. May they see that as an issue.

We have a happy life, not rich but comfortable and feel we have so much to offer. Our son is desperate for a sibling and this just feels right for all of us. I'm trying so hard to think of the positives and not worry about anything that may count against us.

Wowser I thought ivf was nerve recking.

Ooh lets see... You must have gorgeous homemade cake or fancy biscuits. Expect an intense inspection of the house, which must be so spotless that the SW could happily eat his/her homemade cake off any floor, toilet or bin lid of his/her choice. It goes without saying that even one speck of dust anywhere is too much. Ensure you look active and fun, but don't dress too smart (you'd have too high expectations of your child) and not too casual either (you don't care). Strategically place a few childrens toys in appropriate places (collected after doing all the preparatory babystting you've been doing to impress the SW) but pack away anything that would give an impression of you being posh or very academic. Don't forget the coffee and tea either. Look desperate for a child but not too desperate

Okay, how's your blood pressure now...?

Because I'm messing with you

It's an informal visit. Don't worry about all the cleaning. As long as you haven't got empty bottles and cat poo everywhere it's fine. No one minds organised mess, filth would be a problem

Expect to have a chat about why you want to adopt, what kind of child, what you know about adoption, about your lives, what you do etc. It will be fine, they aren't trying to catch you out, just get to know you and see what you have to offer them

Welcome and good luck :)

Oh darn it! Only saw the first post, then decided to be evil. Didn't see funny's post or reply. So my piss take looks rather out of place now

ps. I'm not a horrid person OP, really! I'm happy to see another prospective here :)

You made me laugh!!!! You were scarily accurate with your first description of the mad woman loon cleaning freak I have been all week. One good thing i finally got dh to declutter his crap after 5 years of asking!!! So about these biscuits.... Freshly baked or tesco finest???

And I took 2 empty wine bottles to the bottle bank incase she peeks in my bin. I have lost the plot!!!

Not much to add, it's really about exploring your reasoning for wanting to adopt, sense checking that you realise you almost certainly won't get a little tiny baby etc, and giving you the opportunity to ask Qs.

I think we went for HobNobs...

Good luck!

SW didn't want my biscuits :(

EVERYONE is the mad cleaning freak before the first visit!! Well, I guess a minority are fine, but seriously, everyone I know was ever so nervous - and why wouldn't you be? But, having been through it, it's nothing to panic about

Hobnobs it is! We totally understand there will be no baby we are hoping for a child in the 2-5 bracket as our ds is 5 now so would like them to have a close age but I understand the need to have a difference of 2 years between them. I am so nervous but in another way am saying to myself chill out and be myself as If they don't like us for who we are then i am not on to a winner anyway. Never felt such nervous excitement in so long. I will come back and update on Friday. First step in a very long journey I am sure.

Lilka do you mind me asking what stage you are at in the process?

The geriatric stage Although I'm starting to seriously consider going through the process again...

I adopted DD1 in 1996, when she was 10
DD2 in 2004 when she was 8
And DS in 2007, when he was 23 months

DD2 and DS are biological half sibs, and he was a sibling placement, so only been through full process twice

Wow you are a veteran of this process then. So lovely to talk to people who have been through it all. Can I ask what you found to be the toughest part of it all? When it comes to ivf etc after 6 attempts I could rival most doctors with my knowledge but this is a whole new ball game for me I feel totally blind to what is ahead.

Ooh, good luck! I adopted a baby girl when my dd1 was 4, so my advice is to expect questions about the possible impact on your birth son and how you think this might affect him.

The hardest bit, for me, was waiting to be matched after approval. Like you, I had had years of fertility struggles before starting the adoption journey, and I think by then I was so exhausted and so fed up with strangers having such power over my life. But it was all worth it in the end

LILKA - are you seriously considering another?

Yes!

I fully expect and am prepared for 'insanity' comments

I did always want a large family, I'm one of 5. After the sperm donation failed I thought that was probably it - and it is it for a biological child. I'm okay with that now. But I want another child... Anyway, I won't do anything this year. The plan is to assess the situation once DS turns 8 and if I think it's right for all of us then, I'll go ahead

Broody - I agree with Devora, for me the toughest part of the process itself was the waiting. Especially after approval panel. You are just waiting to be matched, rather than having a goal like "only 1 month till approval panel" there isn't an end in sight when you hear nothing and you aren't working towards anything, just waiting for a phone call. It's hard when nothing happens, and frustrating and upsetting when possible links fall through and you wait more...but, it does end eventually!

Afterwards, the parenting eclipses anything else in difficulty level

Be very careful when you introduce social worker to your ds. Mine told the sw her favourite thing in the world was her front bottom, and proceeded to whip up her skirt and show her why

The sw just said, "We'll leave that bit out"

Ah yes - apparently, the bisuits have to be "a little bit fancy" So hobnobs is good then?! They are pretty much fancy as far as I'm concerned

Devora -

Nearly spat out a mouthful of tea then! Priceless!!

Hi Broodymomma no advice to give as am total novice. I am in a similar position to you. Been trying for our 2 or 3 kids for about 10 years in August! Got very lucky early on and had DD by IUI and then a spontaneous pregnancy miscarriage when she was 1 and since then tried for 6 and a half years. Finally gave up a few months back when final IVF failed. Finally feel ready to look into adoption seriously. Been to an open evening and can approach social services in three months time. DD is desperate for a sibling and really wants a baby brother!

All best wishes to you. Let us know how it goes.

PS My personal favourite are these ... www.mysupermarket.co.uk/#/sainsburys-price-comparison/chocolate_biscuits/bahlsen_choco_leibniz_dark_chocolate_125g.html

Choco Leibniz en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leibniz-Keks

"...only connection between man and biscuit is that Leibniz was one of the more famous residents of Hanover, where the Bahlsen company is based. At the time when the biscuit was first made there was a fashion of naming food products after historical celebrities ..." Thankful we can't buy chocolate Jordans!

sorry Italian choco leibniz way way too fancy. Biscuits need to be more aspirational working class with an intellectual bias. I would favour the chocolate digestive myself as a social worker impressor. If you want to err on the side of the intellectual rather than the aspirational WC then go for dark chocolate digestives.

I remember cleaning like a loon for days, she only went in the living room.
I also remember forgetting to offer her a drink, let alone fancy biscuits. It is something we came to laugh about once we got to know the SW better and then had her cup of tea waiting!.
Good luck, just be yourselves and be honest. They are not looking for perfection. (They gave us 3 children, so can't be)

Oh, and to answer an earlier question, the worst bit for me was the time it all took and trying to be patient. In hindsight our assessment was pretty quick and we were matched and placed very quickly. Although it doesn't seem like it at the time.
First time round it took 9 months from prep group to the girls coming home.
Second time, because dd3 was a sibling it was less than 3 months, but that was because I wanted her home for her first Christmas, and kept badgering!

You lot are great! Well I went for hobnobs and chocolate digestives, the poor woman will be force fed them ha ha. House is like a new pin then came home tonight to a huge bird poo down the living room window how lovely. It's wonderful to here from those of you who have completed this journey and have your children home, that seems so far away at the moment. So now I just have to think through what to wear! Had a laugh at ds who went into his playroom and said wow who knew there was a floor in here!! So roll on 9.30 keep your fingers crossed for me everyone.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, keep us informed.
Ooh. Did anyone mention that the SW may be very negative about the whole process, often to weed out those who are not in it for the long haul, don't be despondent if this happens. It is a test. It didn't happen for us, but have heard.