I adore my adopted children, and hope this could be inspiration for others to adopt

[Adoptionrulesok]

Just that really!!

DH and I TTC for 2 years naturally then went onto have IVF unsuccessfully twice. We then decided to look into adoption. I could not be more happy that we made this desicion. DH and I adopted 2 beautiful brothers (aged 2.2 & 3.1) last year and they are our everything.

The process is not a hard as the media would have you believe, and the social workers are so supportive.

We did not want to adopt a baby, but were clear that we wanted pre-schoolers, which SS were absolutely fine with. I love my boys with all my heart, and they make us complete.

Hi, You are not prying. I didn't really have to prove anything. Our SW was lovely and she just asked how I felt about everything. I was honest and said that I am never going to be totally over not having birth children, but that I was now ready to move on. I explained that I felt it was like the grieveing process i.e. you never forget the person who died but you feel ready to move on. Does that make sense? I found it hard to explain, but she seemed to understand :)

My DH was also honest and admitted to the SW that he wasn't really 100% about adoption and still had hopes of BC's. However, as the process went on, he forgot about BC really, and now everyone who doesn't know they are adopted comments on how much our boys look like him, lol!

I dunno about weight issues I am afraid. You have to have a medical, and I guess it would only be an issue if it impacted on your abililty to look after a child. My DH and I both quit smoking to be allowed to adopt younger children though.

Hope that helps, and feel free to keep the questions coming, I am quite enjoying it :)

Hi Adoptionrulesok OK, well if you are enjoying it I will certainly ask more! You said the whole process took about 2.5 years? Can I ask how long each bit was, please? Our experience was that we were allowed to go to an open day before we oficially got going BUT Before that point I decided (almost 2 years ago) that I was not ready for adoption yet and I wanted to try fertility treatment again, which ended up being almost 2 years (well 20 months) because we tried with donor eggs because my eggs were no good, and so now after two more years of failed treatment we really are ready (DH was ready all along and was not keen on all the treatment but did it because he was caring of my needs and was happy to have more children). Anyway, last time we got to go to open day but not as far as a proper meeting. I have got counselling appointment booked for next few days and will call local authority after that for a chat and to find out when next open day is.

Thanks for your helpfulness.

By the way DH is happier about adoption than fertility treatment, so think he will be fine with social workers, although he is very quiet and I am hoping he will not come across as stand-offish!

italiangreyhound The whole process took us 18months but that is because we "chose" our children from a parents for children evening. This (it sounds really bad, but it's not) is where the children they are finding hard to place-maybe siblings, LD, older kids, behavioural issues, etc etc-are basicly advertised. There is a poster made up of each of them, and they play a small DVD. As I said, it sounds realy bad but the children are treated with dignity and the prospective adopters can get a much better understanding of the children.

My sons, although young so should have been very easy to place, were very boistrous (SP?) and that put a lot of families off. Hence, the need for them to be out on the parents for children evening. They are still full of energy, but I think if we had just read a report instead of seeing them on a DVD, we would have been put off to. They are just little boys really :)

Should make it clear that the children aren't actually there at the evening, it's just the posters and DVD.

We had a short wait (I think 4months) for our prep training, which is also unusual in our LA.

However, we had a really long wait to be allocated a SW permanantly (nearly 8months). This is not the norm, but the whole of the county council were undergoing restructuring at the time.

It took maybe 3-4 months to complete the home study, but this included everything (CRB, medical, finance, parent assessment tool, etc etc). We then went almost straight to panel.

2 days before our approval panel, we expressed an interest in our sons. We then met with their SW the following week. She told us quickly (within a week) that she was really happy with the match so we booked matching panel for 2 months away. That might seem like ages but don't forget you have to kit out your entire house get bedrooms ready etc etc. During this time you also meet with foster carers, schools/nursery.

Then after panel you have a 2 week wait for an independant decision maker to approve the match. This is the longest 2 weeks of your life!! You haven't even met your children by this point either :)

You then do introductions, ours were 2 weeks but this varies depending on age and number of children involved (including your own). This is where you gradually increase your time with the children until they are ready to move in.

Ta da!! you have your children!!!

Very long and sorry for probably bad spelling and grammer :(

Keep the questions coming, I am becoming impressed with my own knowledge. Am I making things seem any easier for you. I know it's a drawn out process but it's so worth it.

Thanks Adoptionrulesok yes, you are making it seem easier, I was thinking it would take a lot longer (but I had better prepare myself that it might well!).

We already have a Dd (aged 7) so we will have to factor her into the equation, and to be honest (although I would love three children in total, or even four!) it doesn't seem right for us to adopt two at the same time so a sibling group' is out. Also, not sure DH is up for more than two kids total!

As far as other things go I guess we will just have to see.

The process you describe does not sound at all 'bad' it sounds like an opportunity to see the children in a way that is more real, to see them more as whole people rather than a lot of individual information. Not sure if our local authority does not or not, not heard it mentioned before.

OK another question. What was the steepest learning curve?

Have a great weekend and enjoy your boys.

italiangreyhound Steepest learning curve............Hmmmmmm...............lemme think and get back to you :)

Thanks Adoptionrulesok very kind and will be happy to hear from you when you have consdidered it.

Italiangreyhound upon consideration I have come to these conclusions:

1. That happy family life is not what I imagined it would be. It's not all skipping in the park with the sunshine :) It really is the tiny things that make my life more enriched for having children.

2. That adopted children need such different upbringings to BC. The attachment element takes precident to all other behavioural techniques. This may be something you will be asked to consider by your SW as techniques that worked with your DD will not be suitable for an adopted child.

3. That my DH and I would argue so much in the 1st 3-4months :)

4. That I (and every other adoptive mum I have ever spoken to) will go through a preriod of near depression about how you are coping and that at 1 point I genuinelly believed I was doing more harm than good to my sons. This passes, thank god!!!

What about you so far?

x x x

Thanks for being so honest.

I've thought about the whole attachment things, how does it work then, trying to get good behaviour or avoid bad behaviour? Our DD is very stubborn and much her own person, we have had issues with her behaviour ever since she went to school and I think it might be because she has struggled at school, she is about a year behind in reading. I very much feel that 4-5 is too young for kids to learn reading etc but there were no alternative school near us and I would not have home schooled her so we had to try and fit into regular school. But maybe that is what makes DD so independent at home! She is very creative but also impulsive, hates to be told no etc! She seems quite different to some of my friends' compliant children!

We have found that 'time out' works for her, but I know with an adoptive child it might be 'time in' or 'time out' with mum! The only real punishment she really notices is no telly - she loves telly. I read a fabulous book when she was tiny called ?Raising Happy Children? Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson (Hodder & Stoughton). It was quite 'touchy feely' in a sort of attachment way and it helped to make my parenting (I hope!) very child centred! By that I mean that some people seem to talk about raising a child like it is training a puppy, all reactions and responses, and do it because I tell you! I hope we have tried to do things differently but I know there will be lots of considerations to make in terms of how to parent an adopted child differently! I guess this is the benefit of the age difference, that by then DD will be older and we can do things differently with an adopted child and DD will be at the next stage so it should all fit, (please God if it all comes together!).

Any hints or tips would be fab!

italiangreyhound apologies for delay in replying :)

It's really hard to describe what exactly you will need to do to ensure "good" behaviour, as the behaviours displayed by adopted children are sometimes more extreme and are certainly more varied than a BC of the same age. For example, my oldest DS was not well fed (older sister scavenged in bins for him) as a baby and consquently he bolts his food and used to hide food in his pockets sometimes. Now, all children of 3.1 will still have eating issues but his were more extreme than what would have been expected. Does that make sense?

When it comes to general "naughty" behaviour e.g. being cheeky/having a strop etc, I find time out/in works best. It's basically the usual time out/naughty step technique but they have it with me (or DH) sitting right next to them and looking straight at them whilst holding their hands in our laps. I know this is gonna sound mad to any non-adopters out there, but it works for us.

Thier ultimate punishment though is to follow me around the house. They litterally (sp?) have to follow me into every room and if I settle in a room (maybe to cook dinner or something) they have to settle in that room too. Again, it sounds mad and sometimes it's a huge PITA to have them at my heels but if they are having a particularly bad day, it means I don't have to sit on time out for hours at a time!!

What you describe as child centred is exactly right, but it's also bearing in mind the attachment issues all the time.

How far are you into the 6month wait and, how did the counselling go by the way?

x x x x

Thanks Adoptionrulesok it does not sound mad at all and it makes a lot of sense. When DD and I have had real hassles in the past I too have had time 'out' with her on the stairs!

Well, the treatment we had was at the end of March so we are only about 6 weeks in to the 6 months, in fact if you count it as the moment I did the test that revealed I was not pregnant then it is only just under a month. We just have to go on waiting and and see in the autumn what is open to us. Feel free to PM me if you think of anything else helpful, especially about the whole process.

The counselling was good but the car park there is a nightmare so I usually arrive stressed and late when driving myself (having done about a gazillion point turn into the car parking space!).

Thanks again.