Do i tell my children i am adopted?

[Sam1973]

Does anyone think it is necessary for me to tell my children I was adopted? They are 8 and 4 which is prob a little young any way. I cant decide if they need to know or not.....

Harriet, you don't sound like a twat at all! I always take the position that its for the adoptee to decide as ultimately they had the least control over their adoption of anyone and anything they need to do to take control back is kinda fine by me (note I do say kinda )

My advice to tell and as early as possible is based on -

a) studies (admittedly on adopted children rather than children of adoptees but suspect its similar) show that those children who can never remember being told (ie they were told before they could even understand what it really meant) tend to process the fact of their adoption more readily than those who can remember "the moment".

b) the OP asked "do I tell my children I was adopted"? - so I gave my opinion. She isn't compelled to do it, if she doesn't feel able but I assumed from her question that she wanted to hear what others think becasue she isn;t as certain as you about what would be the right thing for her and wants to hear what otehrs experince is. You aren't obliged to either listen to our opinions or act on them and giving her an alternative view is I guess what the thread is about.

c) within the adoption community people see adoption as a perfectly normal run of the mill thing as its just a part of the facts of your life (not that the emoticons around it are run of the mill just that the process and reality of it is a normal part of their life not something very out of the ordinary). My Aunt (now in her 60's) was adopted and my son (nearly 6) was adopted so its been in my family for such a long time that I forget that people not in the inner circle (so to speak) tend to treat it as a strange and wondrous beast. By not sharing the facts with your children you are IMVHO placing them in the outer circle and not admitting them into the inner circle is sort of how I look at it.

I wouldn't be presumptuous enough to tell an adoptee this is what they must do and would be pretty pissed off with someone without any experience telling me what it is like being infertile. However as an adopter and someone who has an adopted Aunt who has not only children but also granchildren and even great grandchildren, I would hope that my experience gives me some insight into how it can work without much fuss. My experince is that when told fairly young, most children/grandchildren are disappointingly uninterested!

I'm adopted - DS's are 1 and 4 so I've not discussed it with them as of yet.

I can't remember when I told DH - it certainly wasn't a big deal, it just came up in conversation.

I'm in contact with a half brother (birth mother's son) and he comes to stay every few months, so I'm sure it will be discussed sooner rather than later.

DH is adopted, I will discuss telling the girls with him (they are 6 and 2) but we'll have to bear in mind there could be some awkward moments as PIL have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances, not all of whom know DH and DSIL were adopted, and not all of DH's friends know and none of my old friends do...

Harrietthespook - you definitely don't sound like a twat. You've given the subject plenty of thought and made your decision as to what you think is right at the moment for you all. That's being a good parent/daughter.
There are so many different stages in life - and emotionally you can deal with different things at different times.
My initial desire to search only came about after i had children myself. I had always wondered what the BPs would be like, but not enough to look. I told my DH very soon on - well they do say that if you want to know what your wife is going to be like look at the mother! .
I assumed that my BM - who is only 16 years older than me - would be past child bearing age and probably with children that had left home. I hoped that now would be a time in her life that would not upset the applecart. My mum - and she will always be that - regardless of any relationship i build with my BM - is not able to understand much anymore, but had always offered her help if i had of wanted to search. Perhaps for some older people who have vested interests in the adoptive process it links to a feeling of mortality? Perhaps after a life of loving and caring, they feel that in their last phase of life that they are being left?

WOW- i never expected such a response. My difficulty is that I am basically a result of a one night stand with a married man and my mother killed her self when i was 18 months old. I found out i was adopted at 11, but only because my birth mothers brother was going to be at a wedding and had threatened to tell me.( my adoptive mum was my birth mums cousin- gets confusing lol) To be honest i wasnt that bothered then, i hadmore issues with it when i got into my twenties- but thats another story.

My adoptive parents have been great, especially my dad. I guess thats my concern. My kids have a great relationship with dad ( my mum lives 300 miles away) and i am worried about spoiling it. But as one person said, it might be worse if they find out when they are older.

I think i am going to start laying the groundwork, and try and tell them in a way to make it sound it isnt a big deal? Just hope they dont ask to many questions....

Thanks everyone for givng such different viewpoints :)

"My kids have a great relationship with dad and i am worried about spoiling it" - well did it "spoil" your relationship with your Dad, that you were adopted? Being one step remove from it I would have thought the a grandparent grandchild relationship was actually less likely to be impaired by an adoption in the line.

At that age particularly a four year old, keep it short and to the point. "Most babies grow inside their mummys tummybut some people can only look after themselves. If they grow a baby the baby needs looking after and if they can;t do that then the baby needs to find the right mummy and daddy to stay with forever. I didn't grow in Grandma's tummy but grandma and grandpa were ready to look after a baby and they were very pleased when I turned out to be just the right baby for them." Or words to that effect.

A slightly grown up conversation might be required for an 8 yr old. My 6 yr old wants to know mostly why people can't look after a baby - again just short and to the point - they were very young, they were unwell and couldn't get better, they didn't have family who could help... worth adding "aren't we lucky that we weren't in that position and we have such a lovely family (or somethign positive to discriminate between your DD's position and the position your birth mother was in to nip in the bud any questions about whether it could happen to them.)

Good luck and they will take their cues from you - if you are relaxed talking about it, they won't see anything to be concerned about in what you say.

My Mum was adopted, she didn't ever tell me about it herself. I found out about it after she died when I was 9.

I found it strange because we'd talked about adoption & she'd told me that her cousin was adopted but didn't mention that she was at all.

I found out a few weeks after she died when I saw her death certificate, I had a load of questions which she wasn't there to answer.

That's an interesting thought anevil. My mother's feelings of being 'left' now are very strong, and unfortunately coinciding with a period where I most feel the need for people around me/feel the chances I have to contact my BM might not be unlimited. my daugthers are growing up and I agree deserve to have the full picture about their family life. All very tricky to manage and I do feel cross at times as it's not like adoptees bring any of these things upon themselves. And yet they're often the ones expected to have the 'broadest shoulders' when it comes to dealing with everyone's feelings.

I am adopted and all my children know. The youngest are 5 and 7 and i cant even remember when we told them, it was years ago. I think they have always kmown IYKWIM.

Harriet - you said that your mum must have issues about your being adopted as she has not told her freinds in the US. Maybe its just that she doenst consider it relevant. For example, i dont normally tell anyone that my 7yo was a ventouse delivery. Its not the kind of thing that comes up in conversation. i occasioanly mention it on mumsnet on a relevant thread. I hope im not still discussing child birth when im 60.i dont think this means i have an issue with it

Personally i woudl think it was a bit weird of someone said

Oh i have a daughter of 40 who lives in the uk with her Dh and two kids. She was born by cesarian section /adopted/conceived by IVF etc etc

Just a thought. Obviously i dont know your mum and you may have other easons to think she is troubled by your adoption

No Krisitina it's different. She has admitted she is actively not telling this group of people because she thinks it might somehow reflect badly on her/our relationship. She hasn't articulated this in exactly those words, but that SEEMS from WHAT I CAN GATHER, to be the upshot. It's a conscious decision. Everyone knew about it when I was growing up. SO I have to also be careful what I say around them - they've given me things like babyshowers where it might have come up. And my mom's friends have had children and we've been together when we've discussed breast feeding and births. One woman did say to her: Didn't you breastfeed. "God no!" she just made it seem like she hadn't felt like it. her friends still talk about their birth experiences too and she never chimes in. I have said to her: Do they ask you? "No." But it's always hovering there, I guess. Maybe they guess they shouldn't ask...but then they did about the breast feeding so who knows?

It is exceptionally weird why she is doing this now.

sorry my mom's friend's children... not my mom's friends have had children.

Thinking about it - one of the other women in this circle of friends has a daughter who is a lesbian. And that subject is TABOO. One is not allowed to discuss that in their gatherings. That came out by 'accident' one time when my mom was on her own with this friend.

So..maybe it's down to the particular group dynamics going on here...? My mom's in her late sixties, some of these women are in their very early 80s...

My Dad is adopted, but has no interest in looking up his birth family. He is very close to his parents. He was the adored only child, who they scrimped and saved to send to private school and university. He had an idyllic childhood, with wonderful doting parents.

He has looked at his file, and was taken from his family by social services, and was very malnourished, and considered possibly disabled due to his limited reactions, when he went to live with his parents at eight months old.

We were just told in casual conversation as teenagers. Although I know he was adopted, and am naturally curious, I know not to ask any questions. As far as Dad is concerned his adopted parents are his true family, he prefers to block out any other family.

My Dads parents accidentally told me that my Mum was adopted when I was 10. They thought I knew and I was devastated, not because I felt lied to, or because I felt any differently to my Mums ?mum?, but because I didn?t know how to tell her I knew if that makes sense?

That night my Mum came in to my room and found me in floods of tears and I told her what had happened and she had a really nice chat with me and explained that her (adoptive) Mum and Dad were her Mum and Dad. She told me in such a calm and beautiful way how lucky she was that my Gran and Grandad chose to love her (god, 20 years later and I?m still welling up thinking about it!). We have only spoken about it a couple of times briefly since, my Gran never knew that I knew.

What I?m trying to say is that if there is no way that your DC?s will ever find out about you being adopted then you can choose to not tell them, however if there is a chance that they could find out ?by accident? then I think it is good to get in there first, so that you can pick the time and place. My DB is 5 years younger than me and my Mum included him in the conversation that she and I had and he didn?t even bat an eyelid (too busy trying to get back to his lego!)

The only way you can keep it totally secret is

Have no contcat at all with anyone , friends, family, neighbiurs, school friends. Or anyome who knows them. Bst done by changing your name and moving to amother country

Destroy all official documents relating to teh adoption. Nit just the copies you have, you would need to destroy those held by the registrat general etc, medical records

Lie to doctors and hcp caring for you and your children

Ensuer that your children and their children n ever use facebook, any other social media or the internet in general

Definitely tell them - 4yo is perfect age, 8yo getting a bit old IMHO so would need to do it soon.

Tell them in a tone of voice that is positive and matter of fact. For the 4yo, a very simple explanation will suffice - sometimes a mummy/daddy can't look after her baby and sometimes there is a mummy/daddy who really want a baby but haven't got one. So, they give the baby to them. I see up thread that your birth mother killed herself - a good explanation of suicide is that she was ill, more specifically her head/brain was unwell. Because essentially it is true and it will pave the way for you to tell the entire truth in the future if you decide to do that - as you won't have lied.

Harriets posts about stakeholders in her adoption really struck a chord with me, as did Bugsys "Although, I always knew I was adopted, it was only discussed under duress as I got older and was always a bit of a dirty secret."
I know my mum doesn't like it brought up,almost like she resents that I was adopted and could possibly put a nasty spin on me telling dd, which is one reason I've avoided it. It just seemed easier not to bring it up. But I would like dd to know, so will have to think about how best to approach it.
Trouble is by telling dd, it may affect her relationship with her gran as it would become a subject that she would have to avoid around her.

giyadas - are you a 70s baby too?

late 70's, yes. Do you think my mums attitude is typical of the time? It seems so different to the attitude of adopters I've seen on this board.

Maryz is spot on.

The other thing is that the birth mothers didn't expect to hear from their birth children either, the ones who adopted in the 70s. I happen to know from the agency that my birth mother travelled to another city to have me, to avoid people knowing about it in her home town. The agency said this wasn't unusual and I'm sure they are right. I do wonder whether my BM worries that it will all one day 'catch up with her' and come out.

The attitudes sound quite familiar to me too. My parents were very open in lots of ways and told me sometimes that if I searched they would help but I was absolutely aware that this would be devastating for them.

I was a seventies adoption and would agree it was a difficult era for parents who were told to go home and forget by sws and family sometimes.

I think they were burdened not only by the fear that people had voiced to them over the years that I would look for 'real' family. also they suffered from never having let go of the fear that I could be snatched away. The final court visit was as much as they could bear after some horrid sws and a birth mother who changed her mind a few times.

I think the prep was so bad and the system so awful that my parents carried emotional scars from their experience.

Harrietthespook - I was a sixties adoption and my BM has told me that she had given up the thought that I would contact her. So when she remarried 15 years ago, she didn't tell her new husband. She also hadn't told her subsequent children.
She gave me her husbands e-mail address to contact her - so I had assumed he must have been aware. Can't imagine his surprise when he said to my BM 'who is .." From what I have heard, 1 of her children isn't phased at all, 1 is quite shocked, but interested to hear from me and has given me his contact details. I don't know about the other 2, but time will tell.
So perhaps age is a major factor - whether a positive or negative. My BM didn't think it necessary to discuss it as she didn't think it would matter anymore.
FYI, only my 8 year old has asked subsequent questions on adoption - and it was the why couldn't she keep you but she could keep the others. I explained it as a matter of fact - young, no money, no support. Putting me up for adoption was her way of trying to give me the best start in life. He asked if i was sad about it - i said no - which is true. Then he asked if that meant he had even more family - which i said yes, as i could see where this was going as he has a birthday next month!

yes, that makes perfect sense Maryz. WRT your earlier post, while I've never said anything, I've never lied either so there won't be any issues re that. This thread has brought up a lot of things I'd pushed to the back of mind, will need time to think it all over before I say anything.
Sorry to just disappear, RL intruded.

bangcrash

"The attitudes sound quite familiar to me too. My parents were very open in lots of ways and told me sometimes that if I searched they would help but I was absolutely aware that this would be devastating for them."

Ditto. My mother's 'offer to help' me search pretty much ended when I was in middle school. AFter that: "Everyone knows your adopted. Why do you feel the need to tell people?" This of friends too.

Also it was easier to be relaxed about this in the 70s when it would have been harder to find people. It can be scary for all concerned that it's so much easier to find people, in the social networking era.