42 with biological children: suitability to adopt, advice please?

[analyticalannie]

My husband is 42 also and we have 3 children aged from 11-16. I feel as a family we would have a lot to offer a child - I have contacted an adoption agency and was advised by a SW that adopting when there are biological children doesn't work as the child feels different. He said he based this on speaking to adult children who have been adopted. This has really put me off as the last thing we would want to do is create more issues for the child to deal with.

I would also like to ask if 42 is too old? I would not be wanting to adopt a baby, but would love to nurture and support a child who would benefit from belonging to a loving family. He suggested that we look at fostering I am however the sort of person who gives 110% and I am concerned that I would find it difficult letting the child go.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Simonjohn: I am really glad that things are going so well for you. In my opinion boys love being outside. My boys hate being stuck in - we have an outside games room which is invaluable on wet days. Hopefully things will continue to go well for you- as your boys have had a great experience with their foster carers and were removed from their birth parents when they were young. Well done on getting the nails cut- a can do mentality will set a great example for the boys.

Kayb: Thank you for your perspective - with working in the NHS for 20 years I know that in any public body decisions are often taken that don't make sense. Did they not consider that the pool may have given children the opportunity to learn a life skill, to exercise or simply to relax.

Gymnob: Thank you for your good wishes- we have decided to approach other agencies and get their perspective. Thank you for giving me yours - it is invaluable .

Bonnieslilsister: I have 4 reception rooms so I have scope to move things around. Thanks again for taking the time to help - if we do go on to adopt/ long term foster we will know there is a great support base here on MN.

Sorry, I'm a little late to your thread, but just wanted to point you in the direction of Be my parent which could give you just an idea of the number of children who are looking for permanent families, both via adoption and long-term fostering.

Having your own birth children would not, in my experience, preclude you from adoption, but there will be dynamics to consider, as other posters have already discussed.

SeenButNotHeard: Thank you - I will have a look at the website.

Hi I have with my husband adopted a child from the former soviet union.We got him when he was 13 months and is now a really healthy happy cheeky seven year old.
My husband was adopted every animal in the house is adopted i am the odd one out in our house.
I was brought up with biological parents .So you are 42 big deal what a load of experience and wisdom you have in bringing up children.
I would say go for it but I have found that local social services act as an adoption prevention society and want to put you off at every stage.
Find a good private agency and register with them.there is such a thing called foster/adopt.This means that the child comes to you on a fostering basis with a very strong likelihood that this child will be available for adoption.
You should also go to the website called be my parent and register.
The first thing you need to do is complete an F1 form and get this good private agency to do this with you.Do not repeat do not be put off by SS .
This country is obsessed with keeping children with their birth families and yes Mum does deserve a second chance if she has got sober got clean and can parent to a level where the child comes first.BUT time after time children are returned and they perish.Go for it ,when we were living in the soviet union as we had to for a month to get our child we met alot of American couples.Loads of them were adopting with biological children and a dear friend of ours said the love he had for his adopted children and his biological children was exactly the same.
Another couple said that they got back from their adopted child much more than their biological child but again loved them equally.
That was because the adopted child treated her parents as preciously as they treated her.Bio kids cheek mum take parents for granted but thats not the kids fault thats life. Last thing when fourteen year old adopted daughter who had just been adopted was asked by her usa friends what she wanted for christmas she replied why would i want anything at all now that I have parents,
True story.Go for it adopt and be proud. All the Best. ps Your grown up children will love and cherish their "unique" sibling.

NK7cc6a4bX11d90450bea lovely post

Nk7.....Thank you for all the encouragement- everyone on this site has been really encouraging. I came home from work tonight and it was just lovely to read about your son. Placing the post has helped me clarify my thinking about adoption.

The sw I spoke to was from a private agency and he actually told me that they had only one family where this has happened. I asked how it was going and he stated, OK so far. He was extremely negative and he also said that my children's schools would have to be contacted. That doesn't worry me as my kids are all thriving academically and have never been in trouble. But the worst part was that he made me feel that we would be giving the child more issues to deal with.

I was very interested in a government report which stated that 1 out of 10 families now include step children and that this type of family was increasing the quickest. It just goes to show that times are changing and that families come in all different guises. I just feel that apart from DH and myself our prospective child would have 3 young people as role models. They would have 3 other significant people in their life to love and support them.

Through my job I have had the privilege of meeting people whose lives have fallen apart due to alcohol. I have seen this side of the coin and would never judge anyone , no matter what their background. I just feel that I would embrace the importance of being a custodian of information regarding the child's background.

Thank you again for the advice - I intend to find out more about fostering before adoption - and we will keep going - thank you.