received some shocking news

[crystalglasses]

I've been contacted by someone who says he believes he's the illegitimate son of my dh's mother. My dh had absolutely no inkling that his dm had another child and she's dead (and so are all her contemporaries) so can't ask her. The so-called illegitimate son was born just after the war and has a birth certificate gives the same name and occupation as that of my dh's mother but there's no other proof.
We are in a state of shock and I don't think my dh really wants to know any more about it. If the guy is his half brother it's sad that he is being rejected by my dh but completely understandable, i think. I feel so sorry for them both but my dh said that he wouldn't beleive it unless there was DNA evidence, but that he doesn't want to enter into that. I know there's nothing any mmsnetters can do but I'm just offloading as I feel burdened with it all.

I can only speak for myself, crystal, but I can promise you I didn't mean to sound critical of your dh. This is a very tough situation for him, I see that. I think I perceived - rightly or wrongly - your early posts as quite angry with the putative brother, and I felt protective of him, I suppose. I felt sorry for all the 'children', but in particular for him. I guess you'd expect mothers of adopted children to empathise with the one who has been exiled from his birth family. But that doesn't mean I don't understand the shock to your dh, and his need to take his time thinking through what this might mean for him and how he wants to respond.

crystalglasses, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in your DH's shoes right now. The world around him must be shaking. His (maybe) brother presumably has always known he was adopted but this is a total shock to your DH. It's completely understandable that he is freaking out.

I don't think it's necessarily that people here are not sympathetic to your husband but most people on this section of mumsnet are either adoptive parents or people who have been adopted and are bound to see the situation from the point of view of the man who is looking for his biological links. Some day, this could be the child of anyone here.

I'm sure that the reason you posted here is to get the opinion of those who will give you this man's perspective? It's all well and good saying (noeledmundshair) that your dh doesn't have any obligation to this man, but the very fact that you posted this here in this section meant that you sought the views of people who are directly affected by adoption.

Your DH doesn't have to do anything. He can ignore things and hope they go away. As that SW said, he needs to be cautious. The man could be a nutter. But chances are he's just a man who has a "hole" in him that needs to be filled. Your DH has no obligation to him but I would hope as a nearly adoptive mother (waiting to bring home my child) that he will just give the man the roots he needs. He doesn't have to have any relationship at all with the man but I would hope that he will at least let him know if they shared the same biological mother.

He's lucky to have someone who's helping him through this. It's not an way situation for anyone to be in. As my mother would say, God direct you.

*an easy situation

hi crystal, how you and your Dh feeling about this now the dust has had soem time to settle? have you found out any more inormation?

i am a bit confused about teh legal situation regarding your Dhs putative brother.was the PB legally adopted in the uk? in your first posts you referrd to him as illegitimate but then you mentioned consulting the adoption team so now im not sure. obviously if he wasnt legally adopted there will be fewer details available.it wasnt that unusual to have adoptions arranged informally, by vicars/ doctors/ priests etc so i dont think there is anything " suspicious" about it, if thats the case

Also you said the Pb had a shortened birth vertificate with his mothers name and address on it and occupation. but shortened birth certifates have no detaisl at all about the parenst, only the child.which makes me wonder if he is in fact referring to his full birth certificate, which means he might not have been legally adopted

i am also a bit confuded aboutthe commenst made by your friend at social services regarding the PB. why does she think that you shoudl "be very careful if we decide to meet this person as we don't really know his background and although it may go very well, he may have all sorts of unresolved issues and demands including anger and mental health issues."

i agree that reunions shoudl be approached very carefull, but TBH the PB doesnt know your Dh background either, and he is just as likely to have unresolved issues as his PB plus you indicated that your Dh has a family history of mental illness too.

i guess i am confused at teh automatioc assumption that this man is a risk in some way, when nothing he has done so far seems out of the ordinary

i am even more confused about your friends commenst that there "would have been no records kept about the circumstances of the adoption unless he was conceived as a result of incest or rape, in which case there may be police reports on file."

you said the PB was born just aftre the War, so im assuming you mean 1946 ish. Adoptions in England have been recorded in the Adopted Childrens register since 1927 and since 1930 in Scotland. these records are open to the adopted person . any adoption social worker shoudl know this

i find her commenst about rape or incest bizarre. for a start, most adoptees are NOT born as a result of rape or incest.

second, you cannot just go to teh police and ask to search their crime records for sexual crimes, for obvious reasons.

thirdly, given that only a minority of rapes are reported to teh police now, i can only assume it was a tiny proportion in the 1940s. And i woudl be even more surpirsed if there were police records on pregnancies a s a rsult of incest. most incest, like now, was not reported . until very recently, children were regarded by the legal system as being inherently incapable of providing reliable testimony . it was assunmed that they lied or misinterpreted things to get others into trouble. (the same is assumed about women who are vistims of sexual crime of course)

so unless you have good reason to assume that your MIL was a vistim of sexual crime, i think it woudl be safe to assume ( until you know otherwise) that the pregnancy was the result of consensual sex and the reason she made an adoption plan was the social and econmic circumstances of the time.

there is no reason to make an already upsetting and shocking situation even worse by worrying about things that probably never happeened. IMO your friends commenst are ill judged and your Dh has enough to worry about as it is.

Do you know, KhristinaM I really don't need this. I have made no insinuations at all. If you had received an email from someone who said that their birth mother 'Jane Higginbottom, shop assistant' had the same name and occupation as your mother-in-law, and therefore was probably one and the same person, wouldn't you be cautious, given there's absolutely no other connection? We are willing to believe it could be true, because anything is possible, but there needs to be a bit more evidence than that, which is why the person is going to see if he can find some. To get some advice about how to handle it I spoke to the duty social worker (not a friend) at the Social Services adoption department where his mother was listed as living and this is what she told me.
I am not making an automatic assumption that this man is a risk.
I'm not familiar with adoptions so I took her word for it. I've decided that this forum is not very helpful to me so this is the last time I'm going to post on it. I have tried very hard to write in a non judgemental way because everyone is a victim of some sort in all this, but all i'm getting from this forum is some fairly judgemental and uncalled for responses.

Not fair, crystal.

It could very well be that the adopters who have kindly taken time to respond to your post know more about adoption procedures in the past than your SW. I certainly know more about intercountry adoption than any social worker I've come across.

The responses haven't been judgemental at all - you've been lucky to tap into this breadth of knowledge and the insight offered.

However, I can imagine it has been an emotional time for your family and wish you well.

Im really shocked by your response crsytal. i was trying to be helpful.

i didn't say that you had made any insinuations at all. i didn't question your desire to be cautious. indeed, i have repeatedly said that reunions are complex and emotional and can have long term implications for everyone involved and the wider family. i frequently advise people to use an intermediary where possible

i understand completely why you want more information. that why is why i have pointed out that there are indeed official records that are open to the adopted person. i was concerned that you had been told what i believe to be incorrect information.

i KNOW that you are not assuming this man is a risk. i am astounded that the SW you spoke to suggested this in the first instance and also mentioned about the rape / incest issues. i felt this was a bit alarmist and not very helpful , which is why i wrote to try and reassure you. of course you took her word for it, that's only natural. but what she has told you is somewhat misleading, to say the least

i can only assume that the duty social worker you spoke to probably had had little training or experience in reunion issues. there are local authority social workers and sw and counsellors in private agencies who specialise in this and might be able to help you or your Dh , if you wish

eg NORCAP help birth relatives of adopted adults.

lots of people have taken time to post on your thread. No one has judged you, as far as i can see everyone has just given different perspectives on the matter.your Dhs situation is not about " victims " and perpetrators, its not about taking sides, its just one of the complextities of family life. you are not the first family to have a child born on what used to be called " the wrong side of the blanket". its not a tragedy, its just life.

i hope you find some way to come to peace with it and that you and your Dh find a way forward that is best for everyone concerned

WOW.

I suggest you talk to NORCAP too.

You are obviously finding it difficult to trust poster's motivations on this thread.

So go to a specialist agency and you will not have to worry about people taking sided.

I wish your OH well in this.

Taking sides.

Contact Norcap, or ask the potential BIL to contact Norcap and ask them for an intermediatory service. It costs £150

I sympathise with all sides on this. I was contacted via Facebook by someone who turned out to be my 100% sibling.I knew nothing about this person. It has turned my life inside out. My parents don't want me to tell my other siblings. It's very difficult. I am meeting my 'new' sibling for the first time next week though- am very excited and only wish I could share my excitement with the others

Crystal - what has happened since July?