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Adoption

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Original poster

Adopted children thread

39 replies

Kayano · 18/07/2011 10:52

Is there already a thread for this? I'm adopted and consider my Mum and dad to be my mum and dad. I am so lucky to have been placed with them. I was blessed and love them very much.

I couldnt se a thread like this so thought I would start one. Any other adopted kids now on MN?
When did you find out you were adopted and did you ever meet your birth parents?

I have always known. My mum made me a special picture book about how they adopted me and wanted me very much which I think was a great idea. I have never looked for my birth family - although rumour has it I have a full bio sister who they decided to keep...

I think it would hurt my mums feelings and I couldn't so that to her. The only thing I do wish was that they had given me some damn medical history lol

Anyone else?

OP posts:

PoppaRob · 05/09/2011 08:47

Hi. Adoption has just come up as an offshoot of a post on GransNet, so I thought I'd cross-post.

"I was adopted as a baby in 1957 by a fairly strict but loving couple who'd had one daughter and then two stillbirths. In recent times I've met two of my half siblings and had some limited contact with my birth mother. I would never judge my birth mother for relinquishing me, but it was interesting that when I wrote to her and expressed my thanks for giving me the opportunity for the life I've had with my adoptive family her response was "that's just what we did back then".

I do have very strong and probably unpopular feelings about the willingness of government and agencies to now break the promises that were made back then to preserve the anonymity of all parties only to be tossed aside in later years. The binding legal contract made by my birth mother and my adoptive parents and ratified by the courts was subsequently broken without referral to either party, and I think that's just wrong."

auntevil · 05/09/2011 09:57

I personally don't think that promises of anonymity should have been made. That was only going to ever store up problems - and or resentment.
It would be very difficult for an adoptee to go through life and never know that they were adopted. Applying for passports etc etc. This may have been fine in the day when people didn't travel etc, but I think nowadays it is commonplace to ask for birth certificates.
It would also be quite unnatural once you had found out that you were adopted not to be interested in your background. Whether or not you decided to ever do anything about it or not.
Anyone has the perfect right, if they are contacted, to ignore or refuse contact.
From the period that we were both adopted PoppaRob, it is unlikely that many mothers had a choice as to whether to keep their babies or not. As adoptees, we had no choice in the matter either, the choice was made for us. Surely, both have the choice if contact is made now to accept or decline and quite possibly find a contentment with the life that they now have.?

PoppaRob · 05/09/2011 15:05

I'm dead against kids not being told of their origins. I always knew I was adopted and my adoptive parents always stressed what a huge gift and act of trust my birth mother had made in giving me up to be adopted by them. Having learned more of my birth mother's history I now know that she could well have kept at least a few of the children she gave birth to, but I'm still thankful for the life my adoptive parents gave me.

Re the passport etc.: I'm not sure how it works elsewhere but here in Australia a new birth certificate is issued after adoption, showing the names and professions and marital status of the adoptive parents, so when I applied for my passport I used that birth certificate. I could apply for my pre-adoptive birth certificate but I already have the details from it and can't see any point in spending the money.

Kewcumber · 05/09/2011 17:14

you get a new certificate and the short form one looks like a birth certificate without parens detila at all. The long form makes it clear that it is an adoption certificate.

NorkyButNice · 05/09/2011 17:35

I was adopted age 3 months and was lucky to be brought up by great parents, with an adopted sister and brother.

As far as I know, I'm the only one of us who ever expressed an interest in tracing my natural parents. I always knew I was adopted but my parents weren't keen on me starting the search process (I can totally understand why they felt that way).

As it happens, it was a few years later that I used the information I'd found in my "adoption folder" to trace my biological uncle, and he put me in touch with his sister.

10 years later and I've still never had a phone conversation with her, but have met a half-brother (one of 3), in fact he's been to stay with us a couple of times.

By coincidence, just a couple of days ago I received a friend request from my bm on Facebook. Am ignoring it at the moment (I haven't even got my Mum as friend on FB, let alone her).

I never thought that being adopted had really affected me at all psychologically, but am currently having therapy for bad PND which is certainly linked to my past I think. My first feeling when DS1 was born was that he was the first blood relative of mine I'd ever met but he looked nothing like me (different skin colour, hair/eye colour). The same thing occured with DS2 a year ago and this time I'm really struggling with it. God it's literally just struck me that I'm rejecting my kids mentally, whereas my bm rejected me physically. Bloody hell...

Haven't had chance to read the whole thread but will do so.

Original poster

Kayano · 05/09/2011 19:03

Lost -
I was thinking of writing a letter to BM just to see about erring family info and all that jazz

It was inspired by a relatives comments of 'what if you could prevent them getting cancer?!' at first I was not bothered but then I thought 'what if I COULD prevent baby gettig cancer?'
And then I obsessed over saw a tv documentary about the CAncer genes and got well freaked out :S

Hormones eh?

I'm currently 17 weeks pg and only got sick a bit in the end, think it might not have been the baby actually looking back...
Now suffering terrible tension headaches from constant worrying and thinking 'WHAT IF I COULD HAVE PREVENTED THiS HEADACHE?!'

I'm going nutso x

OP posts:

auntevil · 06/09/2011 13:39

NorkyButNice - I know what you mean about finally having a blood relative when you have a child. I had never even had a thought about that until i had my first.
What i would say about not looking anything like you - i had this too. My DH is dark haired, dark eyed - i'm the opposite. DS1 was born with masses (needed a hair cut from birth!) of dark hair - the spitting image of my DH - when he still had hair! Apparently it is a 'neanderthal' throwback. If the child looks like the father, he is more likely to look after it as his. I got my own back though, he lost the dark hair and it grew back blonde
I just don't really get genetics anyway. I know that with me (green eyes) and DH (brown eyes) - we have ended up with 3 DS with hazel, blue and grey/blue eyes! It meant genetically knowing that my FIL has blue eyes, one or other of my BPs had to have blue eyes too.
What i do know is that i carried those boys - gave birth to those boys - they are part of me, whoever they look like.
What is it that they say - you are of 3 parts - nature, nurture and your own self.

KristinaM · 06/09/2011 17:05

Norky, im not sure that not having that " instant bond" with your babiesis the same as rejecting them. AFAIK that rush of love thing that women get aftre birth is mostly hormones. If you read the threads here about it you will see that lots of women felt

" thnak goodness thats over. Now please take that baby away and give me soem toast"

So dont guilt trip yourself into thinking you are rejecting them.You are not. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. its your ACTIONS that matter to your children. If you treat them in a loving way thne you ARE a good mother.

Original poster

Kayano · 06/09/2011 17:33

The irony of my last post is that I am RhD negative - inherited from one of my bio parents

Grrrrr

Not the end of the world but annoying ESP as I am needle phobic :S

OP posts:

auntevil · 07/09/2011 13:33

I'm with you on the irony of it all Kayano. Me and my 3DS have very similar problems - which the Drs now believe could be genetic. DH can pass the buck on this one as he has no problems (can pin a lot of other things on his side though )
Part of choosing now to look for my BM was to see if in opening my file there was anything to glean. If there is any familial information to help my boys i would do anything to help them. Hopefully i will be able to ask these questions directly soon.

PoppaRob · 08/09/2011 00:13

It was the RH incompatibility that led to my Mum losing her two babies and subsequently they adopted me. The foetal blood transfusion technique was delveloped in 1958 apparently, and I was born in September 1957, so I just snuck in.

auntevil · 08/09/2011 13:37

PoppaRob - it's fate as well - i just snuck in before availability of contraception!

ChildofIsis · 11/09/2011 05:56

Perhaps that 's something we all have in common. We wouldn't necessarily be here if contraception had been freely available.
Not that it's something you'd want to shout about I suppose.

I discovered that there's rampant osteoporosis in my family, however it's gone down my B/Aunties line and not BM.
My GP said that as I'd been severely overweight for a long time in my 20's and 30's that my bones would be fine. Lots of weight bearing on the bones. Who knew being morbidly obese had an advantage!

I'm not that heavy now and due to a marriage split 10 days ago am rapidly losing weight.
I always knew there was a weightloss magic bullet ha ha. Might not be one I could sell on though!

auntevil · 12/09/2011 14:56

hope you're coping OK childofisis - although as you say, not a recommended weight loss plan!
I've now spoken to my BM and found out that she is wheat intolerant. Which is weird as today both DS3 and I are doing the gluten challenge to see if it will help us. Its good to know that i wasn't far off the mark just by pure trial and error!

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