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Adoption

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Original poster

I have been approved and linked to a little boy....

62 replies

Clarebabes · 05/04/2011 11:47

....and don't know where to start regarding all the stuff he will need!

I already have a birth DD who is 12, so it was such a long time ago I had a toddler around. Anyone got any tips on a pushchair which will not be too expensive or bulky, plus a good car seat for him please? He will be around 18 months when he comes to us.

I might sound a bit rabbit in headlights, because I am! We were thinking it would take ages after getting approved before we actually have a child placed, but looks like it's going to be sooner rather than later.

Anyway, thanks in advance.
Clare
xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarebabes · 07/04/2011 17:49

In the paperwork it actually says that contact is not going to happen, but SW then said it was definitely on the cards. Both of us were a bit confused as we weren't expecting that as the 2 other kids are older and our little one has never lived with them. There was some contact when their mother was on the scene, but this ceased and his dad is not the same as theirs.

I know I need to clarify further, so will make it a priority next time we see SW.

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Maryz · 07/04/2011 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RipVanLilka · 07/04/2011 18:10

My three have a lot of siblings betwen them, and I keep in contact with them, or grown up DD1 does it herself.

I do see a point in trying contact between siblings where possible. If not dc then letters and pictures to share. My DD1 had one younger sibling who was adopted as a baby. DD1 lived with her only very very briefly, then was seperated, and she remained in care for about three more years. I asked for contact when I adopted her, and all the parents agreed, bar the couple who adopted this baby sibling. Their attitude seems to be forget about adoption and dont address it and it will all go away. They don't and didn't seem to understand that a baby would grow up and want to meet and have a relationship with their biological siblings. So there was one sibling DD1 knew nothing about. And it so upset her. She would cry about it used to talk about her sib a lot. The fact that she knew nothing, not even if her sib was alive or dead, distressed her so much, she had nightmares about it Sad So I say, get at least letterbox and lots of photos wherever possible, because I've lived with the result of not having it, and it isn't good. If the child doesn't want to look at the letters and pictures, then fine, but they are there if needed

I also have found that where siblings haven't lived together, direct contact is easier to manage. I think because they don't have the same trauma history between them, mine and their sibs seem to find a relationship more natural to forge without lots of problems

I would ask lots of questions, but keep an open mind with regards to dc. I've found it a blessing, especially with the siblings they never met before, and whilst not everyone will find it is that way, its worth bearing in mind

Original poster
Clarebabes · 07/04/2011 18:44

Thanks Mary and Lilka, I am open to it, sort of. To be honest it was a shock to us because it was never mentioned. He has 3 older siblings through his mum and one through his dad. He has had no contact with the 2 eldest ones at all.

I know it probably won't be that bad, it was just that we had no idea it was on the cards. Dad wants LB which we've agreed to obviously, Mum doesn't want any further contact.

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fishtankneedscleaning · 08/04/2011 14:44

Clarebabes - How exciting for you! I have moved children on to adoption and everything my foster children own goes with them so I would wait and see what LO brings with him tbh. Obviously you will want to go out and buy some clothes and a few toys but I think you should limit it until you have an idea of what your LO likes.

As regards contact with siblings. My advice is to go with it. It will either peter out or will encourage your LO's sense of identity. My own adopted dd has contact with her birth family. This was entirely my decision and it has so far worked well. They have no objection to spoiling dd a few times a year and she does not object to being spoilt lol. It has not made a bit of difference to the relationship between dd and I. In fact it has strenghthened our relationship because although dd enjoys time spent with her bio family she regards our house as "home" and our family as her family. She has also voiced that she enjoys spending time with bio family but is glad that we are her forever family.

Sorry have to go - school run Smile

Original poster
Clarebabes · 08/04/2011 21:12

Told my Nan tonight and she was pleased! I didn't know how she would react, but she was really happy and said thank God we've brought a boy into the family. Yes, she has some funny ideas about adoption, but I think old people do.... Things were done differently in their day.

So that's pretty much everyone in the family told now, so that's good. Got family meal tomorrow, so will be able to talk about him now without fear of offending anyone that we hadn't told. :)

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CheerfulYank · 08/04/2011 21:33

Oh how lovely! I'm so happy for you and your new LO!

DH and I are going to adopt at some point (we have one bio DS and want one more bio child, then will start the process when that child is a toddler if all goes according to plan.) We've been very forthcoming about this with everyone and everyone seems really pleased with the exception of my brother and his who- are both rotten people anyway.

Is your DD excited?

Original poster
Clarebabes · 08/04/2011 21:39

Cheerful, it's been a long process, but hopefully worth it. Are you in the states? Things done very differently there, aren't they?

She is a bit mixed at the moment, she is 12 and more interested in clothes, friends and facebook! She has half sisters and a brother at her dad's house, so it will be strange for her to have a sibling here. She'll get used to it and is very good with young children. Just hope the novelty doesn't wear off too quickly :)

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CheerfulYank · 08/04/2011 21:56

Yes, I'm in the states. I think things are done differently here, but I'm not sure how as I don't know how they work in the UK! :)

DH and I went to a foster orientation last year and started the paperwork, but then decided we wanted to be done having bio children before adopting so that we could really focus our energy on the adoption and resulting child.

Where we live (Minnesota) the process is: the orientation first. Then a home visit, background checks, etc. Then you can be approved for foster care. If you want, you can only foster children who are available for adoption (have had all parental rights severed) and if things work out, you can adopt them. You can also foster children with the thought of reuniting them with their parents but adopting them if it doesn't work out, or you can do short term foster care.

There are (I think ) something like 100,000 children nationwide in our fc system. :( It's basically free to adopt the ones whose parental rights have been dissolved.

It's all so heartbreaking! I'm really excited to start in a few years. (Probably 5 or so, depending :) ) How do things work there?

RipVanLilka · 08/04/2011 22:20

No CheerfulYank - in 2008 there were over 460,000 children in the fc system in US. A few years before there was over 560,000. There will be about 55,000 adoptions I think per year from fc. I can't comprehend such numbers :(

Clarebabes - So glad she took it well :) I hope your meal goes well

Original poster
Clarebabes · 08/04/2011 22:37

Well in our case we had to write to the local social services and get on the waiting list for preparation training. Once we did that and wanted to continue, it took a while to be allocated a SW who took us through the process of home study/parent assessment. This took a while, but was OK. They took references, talked to them, did criminal checks, medicals etc.

We only wanted to adopt, and it's free to do apart from a small fee at the end. We had to be approved by a panel of people in the local community, 15 in total! Was quite nerve wracking, but got through with flying colours. We told the SW what age/sex we were after and got matched with our LO who will be 18 months when he comes to us. We have to go back to panel to get him officially placed with us, then we will meet him and then within 7 days he will be home with us.

Official adoption will be after a certain period - not sure exactly how long because we're not there yet :) I'm sure others will be able to give you their experiences....

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CheerfulYank · 08/04/2011 23:28

Oh lilka, how sad...maybe it was 100,000 children who were cleared for adoption? Confused The mind boggles.

Original poster
Clarebabes · 09/04/2011 21:09

Meal was good, Nan and her sister, my Great Aunt were thrilled at our news and were quite excited over the photo we have of him. Nan reiterated her happiness of bringing a boy into the family as I have a 12-year-old DD and my sister has a 20-month-old girl. They asked for me to bring him down - they live about 90 miles from us - and I said I would, but not to expect it to be the first week he is with us as he needs settling in time. I definitely said they'll see him by the summer and they were happy with that.

So now that's out of the way, CAR SEATS, COTS and PRAMS.... ARGHHHHH!!!! ;)

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greenghirl · 09/04/2011 22:15

ive been approved for 6 weeks ..im loosing patience ... but alas in scotland anyway social workers are still judgemental and predjudice ...and before anyone gets onto me i am one ... i didnt realise my peers were so good at pretending that sexuality isnt an issue till itried it out for myself ... good luck with all the goodies try ebay ???

hester · 09/04/2011 22:33

Clarebabes - so pleased to hear that Smile

greenghirl - bit confused by that, can I check I understand? You're a lesbian approved adopter? What is making you lose patience?

Original poster
Clarebabes · 05/05/2011 21:50

Quick update: met the foster carers yesterday and they are brilliant! Saw lots of pictures of our boy, so it's really real now. Got 3 weeks til our holiday and then will meet him the week after. I must say the wait is awful! Want to meet him now!

I managed to get an idea of what he needs now, so I am trawling ebay and the paper for bits and pieces. Not panicking, but nearer the time if I haven't got everything I will!

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KristinaM · 05/05/2011 22:40

thats great news clare, thanks for updating us.

please don't panic about things, there is very little thats essential , as long as you have somewhere for him to sleep and a proper car seat. it more important that you concentrate on bonding with him and making his transition to your home as stressfree as possible for him

CheerfulYank · 05/05/2011 22:59

So excited for you and your little boy! Keep us posted. :) And don't worry about "stuff", you'll soon realize what you really need and what you don't.

hester · 06/05/2011 08:28

How exciting! Can't wait to hear how introductions go...

Maryz · 06/05/2011 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Clarebabes · 06/05/2011 19:27

Mary, sounds hectic to say the least. I was thinking I'll be able to get the old man to put his hand in his pocket on intros week anyway, so if there's anything I haven't got, we'll get it then.

Funny how many people have shoved their numbers into my hand when I've told them I'm going to have a little boy. Everyone wants him to play with their children! Perhaps I'll get them all round at once, otherwise I'm going to be busy. (Obviously once he's settled in!)

I know I'm biased, but he sounds absolutely perfect - he sleeps, likes the outdoors and eats veggies! So happy.

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Original poster
Clarebabes · 15/06/2011 22:08

Quick update: We've got him and he is fantastic! He is so good and is really the best little boy ever. Sleeps well, eats well and even though we only picked him up yesterday, has settled in so well.

Had to do some major purchases - our garden wasn't exactly child friendly with a drop-off wall etc. so quick trips to B&Q were needed. DH and I are shattered! But, he's worth it. He's lovely and cute and brilliant. Sorry, I'm gushing now.... :)

Clare
xx

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hester · 15/06/2011 22:36

Oh, how wonderful! How is your dd taking to him?

VforViennetta · 15/06/2011 22:58

Oh congratulations so happy for you, glad he is settling in well, must be very confusing for the wee chap although they are very adaptable I know. If he likes TV try dipdap on cbeebies, my ds (same age) said his very first sentence the other day, which was "want dipdap on" Grin.

Gush away, hope he is more sensible than my ds, already one broken leg under the belt and happy to fling himself from any raised area Shock.

Original poster
Clarebabes · 16/06/2011 21:31

DD is getting on well with him, though she wants to mother him and finds it "unfair" that she can't do everything for him. Have explained he needs to have a good bond with me first and I think she understands.... She is 12, so everything is automatically unfair!

V, oh dear, broken leg doesn't sound good. Hope Social Services haven't given you a hard time, LOL! :) Haven't seen dipdap, he doesn't watch too much TV, though he fell asleep to Chuggington this morning. Oh, he woke up at 4:30am, so we're shattered today. Had to get hubby to take him to the swings so I could get a little nap in, otherwise I would be ill by now! (Don't do lack of sleep terribly well)

Otherwise, things are great. He is very much a boy as had a friend round with her granddaughter and I noticed how boisterous he is. She is such a dainty little thing, it might have been that, but he was banging and crashing around, whereas she was placing things gently.

He is obsessed with our cat :) The cat tolerates him, just, and would never lash out as he'd rather run away. He has never scratched me ever.

He doesn't say much and nothing is really clear at the moment. I am not too worried as he has had an upheaval, but will keep an eye on it. He can say my cat's name, (Harry), but chooses not to say it very often at all. He says "mum" to everyone! I think that's just him trying to grab our attention. I should be Mummy to him anyway as that's what we agreed amongst ourselves (FC and us) and that's the only name I am referred to. I know it will take time and I am not worried, just want him to be happy and I am sure he is. He smiles a lot!

Anyway, think it's bed time for me now as I am so tired. Will try to get a fair bit of sleep so I am ready if he wakes up early.

xx

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