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Adoption

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Original poster

I nearly told dd that I was adopted today? Should I?

45 replies

DrSpechemin · 24/02/2011 20:36

At bedtime tonight dd was asking where I was born - told her the town and she said 'of course' because randomly it's where my mum lives now.

I was just about to tell her that my mum wasn't the person who gave birth to me - but stopped before telling her - dd is 6 - do you think she needs to know? not sure why I wanted to tell her? it is part of my identity and obviously my mum is still her grandparent.

Have any of you adoptees told your children that you're adopted?

I'm probably thinking about it a bit more at the moment as its my birthday v soon so more in my thoughts at the moment.

Would appreciate any input!

OP posts:

KristinaM · 11/03/2011 08:29

wider - my 6yo Ds sounds very like your. he is the one of all my children who seems really sad about my being unwanted / unloved as a child. but i figured he would have to know sometime and i didnt want to put him in the kind of situation that strictly describes.

stricly, i can understand why you are upset. i suspect that your view of yourself, your mother and your whole family has but turned upside down by this revelation. its only natural to feel like this, you will need some time to come to terms with it. I guess that you have a lot of unanswered questions about your biological grandparemts and their family

CalamityKate · 11/03/2011 08:32

I'm adopted and I've always known, and my children have always known I'm adopted too.

I struggle to understand the big deal TBH.

Maryz · 11/03/2011 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heifer · 11/03/2011 10:42

Strickly. It's possible that your mum didn't tell you as she didn't "feel" adopted. I didn't. I loved my parents and as far as I am concerned they are the only parents I have. Therefore nothing to discuss, not a secret, just feel nothing.

I have told my DD (during a discussion re birth) , but I never considered before I told her that it would affect her. It was MY business. It affected ME and no-one else..

Until I did tell her. and then it opened up a whole can of worms... and I realised that it isn't only about me anymore.

She asked me this morning on the way to school if she had any more grandparents.. Both DHs parents and mine has passed away, so DD feels that she is missing out.

She is desperate to find a wider family. but I am not ready for that. I have Never considered my Bioparents to be anything other than Bio. DD was asking if they are her grandparents etc and could we meet them! Not something I have ever considered etc.

So all I am saying, if try to find out why you were never told. If may not have been deliberate secret, just never crossed her mind to tell you. If she felt that her parents (your grandparents) are her real parents, than I can understand why she didn't say anything. TBH I alf wish I hadn't told my DD now.

Strictly · 11/03/2011 16:57

She definetly does feel adopted. She despises her adoptive Mother.

I'm angry that everyone else knew. My Aunts and Uncles, all my cousins etc. Everyone else knew.

I'm angry that she let me go for extra testing for breast cancer as my 'Grandmother' had it even though we are not related so clearly her health has no bearing on my own IYSWIM.

PrincessScrumpy · 11/03/2011 17:09

I think it's better that family "secrets" are just out in the open. I've always known I had an identical twin who died at 3 months old. There was no big session to tell me, she was just spoken about occasionally. When I was a teen I did ask a few questions and asked to see her grave. Mum took me and it was a bit dirty so we went home and got a bucket and sponges and we went back and washed it. It was lovely to do it together.

We then didn't talk anymore about it until recently as I am now expecting id twins. My parents are really happy for us but I can tell they are nervous we may go through what they did as the situation does feel like history repeating itself.

I know this is very different but what I'm saying is, the older she is, the bigger the issue it'll be. Just make sure you are prepared for what to say if she questions things, but the sooner the better imho.

I would tell your parents too so they can prepare themselves for questions.

CoffeeInTheMorning · 14/03/2011 11:31

Possibly it depends on your daughter's inquisitiveness.
Also it depends on your parents' approach to their adoption of you, and how they feel about it and explorations about it.

My kids have always known from being little so it has rarely been a topic of conversation for them. My sole concern would be that they would ask my adoptive parents lots of questions about it - it isn't a subject my parents have ever discussed with me (though they never kept from me that I was adopted). My mum would be especially upset to have the matter raised and I am unwilling to cause distress to her on this account. Now they're older, my kids will talk with me about it but wouldn't talk about it in front of their grandparents. My kids feel like I do, that it would break their grandparents' hearts for me to go looking out more information. Somehow it all sits on hold.

It doesn't stop me wanting to know more though.

KristinaM · 16/03/2011 13:16

I agree coffee, it's a very hard judgement to make. Your right or wish to know about your past and your bio family vs your children wish to know vs your parents feelings. There is no easy answer and you will feel guilty either way

One point I would make is that I know many adoptees who only searched after their a parents had died, only to discover that it was too late and their adoptive mother was also dead. There is often little recorded information about the birth father.

Not trying to say you should search now BTW or ever. Just to remind you of the possibility that that door might not be open to you later

bedlambeast · 16/03/2011 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CoffeeInTheMorning · 20/03/2011 22:20

Yes, I suppose I know years are passing by, and there's the danger of losing a birth-parent before ever meeting them, but it's something I'm living with at the moment, as I don't feel I can easily go ahead on an active hunt.

Yes, I have put my name on the national register to be contacted, and also on NORCAP, but nothing as yet. And I have looked out my original birth certificate but I haven't told my parents this. Occasionally I look about on the internet, but not pursuing it seriously.

ChildofIsis · 04/04/2011 11:29

I've always been open about my adoption with dd4, she talks about things that happened when she was in my tummy and wants to know about when I was in grandma's tummy. Obviously I was never in my mum's tummy.
I was adopted as a baby and have always known about it.

Family secrets nearly always end up hurting someone.
If you're unable to talk to your kids about your own history then there is some fear/trauma surrounding it making in an uncomfortable subject matter for you.

I work on the principle that what happened in the past lead me to where I am now, a place of contentment and happiness so it was all worth it.

PoppaRob · 07/05/2011 05:39

I'd tell her now. My kids always knew I was adopted. It came up again when they were teenagers and I started doing some family history research. They found it odd that I was researching my adoptive family and not my "birth" family, but to me my adoptive family is my family, regardless of how I came to land in their midst.

Acinonyx · 11/05/2011 17:57

I told my dd when she was 3 and the level of information has developed over time. I have contact with my bparents and they stayed with us twice - when she 1 and when she was 3 (they are overseas).

My adoptive parents died before she was born. My mind truly boggles at how I would cope if they were still alive as they were very uncomfortable with the situation. I can understand how the pp who didn't want to upset her amom via her dd feels.

There are some tough issues that dd will need time to understand. I do try to make it clear that I don't think of my bparents as mom or dad. Although my relationship with my amom was very difficult I do think of her as my mom. As to how it happened, I have just said that it was too difficult for my bmom could to take care of me. Actually I was taken into care for neglect - but that' not something I would tell dd until she's quite a lot older.

My adoption is so central to my identity and life-experience I cannot imagine not telling dd. I have come to loathe secrets. It also affects dd's ethnicity, which is otherwise not apparent. I do think that they accept information like this easily when they are very young - but the details and nuances - that's more difficult.

toffeeflapjack · 11/05/2011 18:23

My dad was adopted and I found out when I was about 9, it came up after a random question I asked, it wasn't discussed further and has never been mentioned since (my brother has spoken to my mum about it, they have a different kind of relationship). I would have liked it to have been discussed - even now it's something I would never dare talk about (along with many other things!!).

Original poster

DrSpechemin · 11/05/2011 19:34

Saw this earlier on active convo's and thought I'd update you all since lots more posts since my original op.

DD has been incredibly inquisitive and is always asking if people that she knows are adopted. She does struggle a little bit with understanding that my mum is my mum even though I didn't grow in her womb - I just keep reiterating that she is my mum as she is the one who made me the person I am today and that someone else gave birth to me. She asked dh if he knows anyone who is adopted.

OP posts:

harrietthespook · 26/05/2011 12:02

Thanks for your update. My daughter has just seen Annie and has been asking. I am wondering whether my mother will wonder if we've brought it up. She's coming over soon.

not sure if I posted under this name before or some harriet variation...

harrietthespook · 07/06/2011 13:45

don't know if anyone who's posted previously here is still looking at this...my parents were recently over from the US. In the past my mom as asked me in an off the cuff way: Are you searching?/ARe you interested in searching? But she's done it at such inopportune moments that there was no way I could go into it. What she was looking for was for me to say: No, of course not! and reassure her. The last time she did it I said: I'd be happy to talk to you about this at another time. Never took me up on it. And I didn't press as I am well aware she didn't want the real answer.

I would so love to be able to talk to her about what I have found out and to generally be more open. And to tell the DCs openly - in fact to take the intrigue and some of the 'negative' emotion out of it. But it's just so awkward.

Maryz · 07/06/2011 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harrietthespook · 08/06/2011 14:17

thank you so much for your post. I think you're right. It's just the timing at this point. Her mother, who lived with her for over 30 years, died in January and she is really grieving at the moment. And I live abroad and don't really want to do this over the phone. I will have to see if there's a natural time when we're next together to discuss it. I might have to be opportunistic about it.

kslatts · 08/06/2011 14:58

My Mum was adopted and my sister and I always know, my children also know. I can't remember when and how we told them but it was never a secret.

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