Need to talk about adopted daughter

[Just13moreyearstogo]

Hi everyone. I have three children - two biological sons and one adopted daughter, who is 5.5 and came to us aged 2.8. She had a difficult start in life but was with a stable foster family, has attached well to us and is doing well in school. She has friends and at first glance people would have no idea about her background. So far, so good.

This morning though I am feeling very very low and have a sense of desolation about the summer holidays starting. The reason is that last night she had one of her monumental tantrums. These now happen about once a week, maybe less, whereas when she first came to us they were a daily occurrence. She unloads all her rage on to me, screaming, crying, yelling. It happens when she's tired, but not only then. The general trigger is that she can't have something she wants and she explodes. I have been seeing a counsellor and have learned to stay calm, I've learned how to - eventually - calm her down. My mistake last night was to not intervene when she was still simmering - I let her boil over into rage and then paid the price. After I got her to bed I lay on my bed thinking unspeakable thoughts about her, berating myself for putting myself through being an adoptive parent and making my life so unnecessarily difficult etc etc. I'm committed to her, DH is supportive but works long hours so there is no alternative to just rolling up my sleeves and getting on with it.

I was just wondering whether other adoptive parents get these really bleak times when they wonder why on earth they adopted in the first place when it's often such a struggle? How do I talk myself around and find the energy I need to get through the holidays?

Just13moreyearstogo Thanks for your reply. I am not exactly sure I am recommending counselling for your DD, I could not presume that as I am not an adopter and I am not sure exactly what would be helpful.

I think if you feel counselling would help then it may be possible to access it in a way that is not outside the family. I wouldn't know about that.

I guess I was thinking more of just using some techniques to help her express how she is feeling before it becomes a problem. Art is one way, when kids are older writing might be another (a journal, diary etc) and possibly for now dance or something. I don't know. I am just spouting ideas but if anything sounds remotely interesting I'd suggest a bit of Googling around to see what is available and for you to get the information/ideas yourself and bring them back into the house in a really low level/quiet way. Anyway, whatever sounds like it may work for you do let us know but I am just suggesting some ideas to make life a little easier, not necessarily to answer the issues. I think it sounds like you are doing a fab job already I am just wondering if there are any ways you can find some help for you and pass it on to your DD.

My dd 8 was and still is a moaner and has tantrums. she talks constantly and spends the day engaging me any way she can ''look at me. what I can do etc''I have led on my bed after big kick off thinking awfully things then extreme guilt. she is not adopted but her dad left when she was 1 and is not consistent with contact. mil noticed I react to everything she does so I toned that down and learned to ignore or play down stuff. a friend also told me that although my dd has few issues with her dad I can help her deal with this with good firm boundaries. both suggestions helped. I just wanted you to know its not just you. I have 3 grown ds and dd is very much harder. good luck x

My adopted brother had these rages and no doubt to do with trauma of adoption.

But then my biological daughter had them too, and the trauma in her case was not adoption but disability and misdiagnosis.

In both cases, we are talking of a child of up to age 9 or 10 totally out of control, screaming, hitting, throwing things, biting, kicking and needing to be restrained for everybody's safety. But at all other times an affectionate child- and at all times much loved. And both grew out of it: my db is now a very well adjusted adult, a great father and husband. And dd is a perfectly amenable teen.

So I think the common factor is not adoption per se, but trauma.

In fact, my also biological) ds had always been a very easy going child, but within months of having been diagnosed with the same disorder as dd, he drew a kitchen knife on me. Only the once, and he has learnt to control his anger very quickly, but I knew the signs and realised this is the kind of thing that can happen when somebody is traumatised. Also noticed that a friend of dcs' became quite violent when his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer- but he gradually learnt to control himself. He had counselling and so did dd, but not my db or ds.

Thanks so much, everyone, for sharing such personal stories, they've been very comforting and helpful. I will try the suggestions given.

Hi

We adopted DD at 2, and she is now 16. These extreme tantrums have come and gone over the years. (Does 2-3 hours of full on screaming and kicking and destroying whatever room she's in ring any bells?)

I really think its important to realise that this is not your fault, but is probably part of her internal thoughts and feelings that she is unable to express.

We made appointments via our non-believing GP to the local CAMHS team (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service). DD was diagnosed with Attachment Disorder. This is a genuine disorder which you can get family therapy to try and address. I would strongly recommend that you make a start on the process now, as it will prove dividends in the long run.

We went on a course for adoptive parents called "Its a piece of cake" which we found to be very useful. www.adoptionuk.org/informationlist/102526/training/

Adoption UK also have local groups that meet up. It can help to be able to say to someone that DD gave me 'One of THOSE' looks, and have 10 people in a room know exactly what you mean.

Keep smiling

Just - no experience of adoptive children i am afraid. But just to add that you could be describing my 5 year old dd. She is the most moany, tantrumy, violent of all my 3 dds, and creates chaos. She reduces dh to walk out at times (for a bit to cool off) and me to tears.

She has not had any massive problems to cope with and has been raised as her sisters have. But she is a more challenging child. No obvious physical or emotional problems.

Really really hard for you as you will not know if she would have been that way if not adopted or if it is impact of past life. If my dd3 was adopted I would put it down to that as she is so different to other two.

Girls can be very different to boys too - more moany and tantrumy maybe.

Good luck and chin up.