Talking honestly about having friends with depression - is it allowed?

[difficultinnit]

So first of all, it goes without saying that my friend's need is greater than mine and I would never do anything to make her feel worse.

I have had a friend for quite a few years now and she is lovely, kind, funny, good fun, a lovely mum, hard-working, very caring. She was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago and is on citaprolam and is having CBT as well. She is doing ok but it's not easy.

In the past year she has started making digs at me. Nothing really outright nasty but enough of a dig for me to feel that underneath she has some frustrations about me. Mostly it's to do with money or education or my attitude towards my children.

The thing is the first few times, I just thought 'oh she's having a hard time, we all do these things to let off steam' and I let it go. Then a couple more and I was tempted to say something but I can't, can I? My hands are totally tied: she's depressed, my life IS easier for the very reason that I am not struggling with that - I'd feel like a real cow calling her on it.

There have been a few more digs recently and now I'm thinking, is she pushing me to react? I don't know what to do. I struggle with normal levels of paranoia and self-esteem just like 99% of people and her comments do upset me.

I would feel bad ending a friendship because of this but I just feel like she honestly doesn't like me any more.

Orm, do you think it can be controlled? My friend is like it with everyone, it's like little gobbets of poison boil up and pop out almost without her knowing. I have always put it down to her "condition," tho others disagree.

I would think it was related in the perhaps she had a shitty upbringing and is very angry about it - takes that out on others - and this would also cause her to be depressed. But the depression is anger turned in against oneself. The nastiness is turning it against everyone else.

That is not the same as depression causing the anger/nasty stuff if you get what I mean.

I can be hideously depressed but NEVER be horrid to people. I just shout at my children instead...

I would think it was related in the perhaps she had a shitty upbringing and is very angry about it - takes that out on others - and this would also cause her to be depressed. But the depression is anger turned in against oneself. The nastiness is turning it against everyone else.

That is not the same as depression causing the anger/nasty stuff if you get what I mean.

I can be hideously depressed but NEVER be horrid to people. I just shout at my children instead...

sorry!

Yes it can be controlled. I don't do it, thought I think I understand some of the feelings behind it. I do do it to my husband to some extent. I feel all the time like a crap parent getting everything wrong with the children, and that expresses itself in sniping at his own parenting.

I read recently that one of the major causes of depression in modern society is people's lives not living up to their own expectations of how good they should be. If that were the root cause of the OP's friend's depression that could explain (not excuse) her need to belittle others - it helps her (momentarily) feel better about herself.

hully - I don't know if it can be controlled. I've rarely felt that way towards others so can't comment. I am a fairly sunny person who just happens to suffer from depression (well it makes sense to me anyway )I suspect it would be there regardless of depression. It's not OK to use it as an excuse for vileness.

Thanks Orm - what about extreme nervous tension coupled with misery?

I don't know. I can only offer my own experience. Did yo know her before her depression? I know that the synmptoms of depression can make you very introverted ands self-pitying if you aren't quite strict with yourself. But if she feels that bad on a regular basis - misery is a fairly extreme description - her drugs regime/therapy isn't working.

Orm - no, I didn't. And sorry, that question was a general one, interested in any thoughts as have argued about whether or not it's contollable for years.

Be preapred for the fact that she doesn't know she's doing this.