What would you do if you thought your parents were spying on you and you’re 50 years old?

[jjourneys]

A little bit of context … I’m nearly 50, and for the past 1-2 years have lived in a house owned by my parents at their invitation / request that is across the road from their own.
We generally have a good relationship, but my dad is 80 this year and become more mentally challenging, particularly taking a dislike to my partner of 12 years as he feels he doesn’t work hard enough, and despite them being ok for money, owning three detached properties outright and a good pension, become increasingly obsessed with money, and not spending it. Between December and March he wouldn’t let my mum have a debit card to their joint account, although she’s managed to get that back now. She said a few months ago he’d bought a couple of secret cameras because he keeps cash upstairs in the house, and mum made a joke of she hoped he wouldn’t have it on while she was getting ready!!
Long story short, I’ve just found a spy/secret camera in my kitchen. An alarm went off when I touched it - it was in a ‘key bowl’ on the breakfast bar!
Ive covered it in duct tape and put it in a drawer but am worried and concerned as to how long its been there!!
Has he been in and planted it when I’ve been out? Or has it always been there and I just noticed it? It doesn’t look like a camera (hence spy type) just a small black plastic cylinder smaller than a ping pong ball with an elasticated loop attached. But when I showed it to my other half he took a look and after 20/30 seconds deliberation realised what it was.

Anybody have any info as to how these work? There is no wifi it could connect to so presumably on a data sim for live feed or an SD card in it that can be removed and downloaded??

Im thinking of not saying anything as don’t want to alert him I know? Maybe just tell my mum in secret?

thoughts??

Im thinking of not saying anything as don’t want to alert him I know? Maybe just tell my mum in secret?

this one sentence indicates that you father has been abusive to you in the past.

Are you living rent free in this house? Can you afford to move out? If you have a massive fall out with your dad it will most likely upset your mother, or he might take it out on her. And although you can take measures to stop more cameras being hidden, there will always be something to be on edge about living opposite him. He isn't going to change or see reason at 80. If you tell your mum in secret, what can she actually do about it? Moving is the only answer really.

My Dad became very worried about money in his descent into dementia. He wasn't controlling like your Dad but he thought they didn't have any and they lived like paupers. I remember begging them to spend the £400 to get their heating fixed while they sat there in jumpers around tiny fan heaters in the middle of winter. It was too much to spend, they said,

After he died it became apparent they had more than enough. I think it was a generalised anxiety around money he was no longer able to manage it due to cognitive decline.

As others have said, the most important thing at this point is to make sure that you have power of attorney in place for him. It's really important. Also make sure that as many account/investments/houses etc are in your parents' joint names so your Mother can access too.

Do anything you need to get this in place. You might need to have a private and honest conversation with your Mother.

I think you need to say. I saw you placed cameras in my house. What were you so worried about? What did you think was happening here? Try and get an insight into what he is worried about. I would try and offer re assurance rather than being on the offensive.

If you call the police the dementia diagnosis may be put in place before you have your ducks in a row and life will become very difficult.

The thing is he will already/ soon know that you've found it anyway as itll be on a recording or he will notice its covered up.

If you dont want to have it out with him directly then I would tell them you've been to the police as you've found a device to spy on you in the property and watch his response.

I also agree with the plan of saying you’ve found a spy camera and contacted the police about it.

also agree if your dad has a history of controlling and abusive behaviour, he won’t get better as he ages. If this is new behaviour, you want to talk to the doctors about it.

I'm not sure that calling the police right now is a good idea in case this is a sign of paranoia related to cognitive decline. He might become aggressive and your Mum is living with him. Unless your Mum could go away for a few days?

I'd look into getting him to the doctor's ASAP if at all possible. Does he have any medica conditions that require check-ups? If so, you/your Mum could speak to the doctor in advance and let them know that you're concerned so they can do a cognitive assessment during his appointment.

A diagnosis ASAP won't be helpful if you don't have PoA in place and your Mum doesn't have joint access to all their finances. Someone with dementia may be deemed not to have capacity. This means they can't sign contracts. They cannot access their own finances. Someone has to do it for them and that can't be just anyone.

If you don't have PoA you'll have to apply to the Court of Protection for an order and that takes 6-12 months. Which is a long time to be without money.

Good point @malware.