Has anyone got this midlife lark worked out?

[Springandsunshine]

Just that really....
I'm approaching my mid 50s and have an older teen and a partner but I just feel something is missing. I have a group of great friends and I live close to my lovely family but can't help feeling unsettled/untethered. I know I don't have the drive & motivation that I had in my 30s or 40s and this stage of life feels odd, for some reason. I'm menopausal with some additional health issues but I'm on HRT and I feel my hormones are finally balanced.
I work full-time in a job that is satisfying in itself but the small team I work with can be challenging at times. The fixed term contract on the job is due to finish later this year, so I'm busy looking for alternatives but so many jobs now are only being offered as fixed term, which isn't great for security. I think I'm tired with working f/t and the commute (1 hour each way), but there's nothing available closer to home (so far) that I would enjoy or that pays the same.
I'm doing a course online (one evening a week) that I'm really enjoying but fitting it in time wise is proving tricky. I can't afford to drop hours at work either & I think this is annoying me! I would like to hope that the course will allow me to pivot in my job but it will mean another 3 years of training before I can do that and the pay in this new role is generally lower.
I used to always say I didn't have any regrets but I do now regret not being more financially savvy and saving/investing in younger years. We've got things that need doing on the house but have limited funds to do the improvements. I feel I have limited earning potential now but also really cannot imagine working until I'm 67 either!
I'm finding it hard to find meaning at this stage of life, but I know I'm so lucky in many ways. I just feel that work/life feels like rinse & repeat on a daily basis. I journal & set goals but just feel that things aren't really changing.

Does anyone else feel like this at this age & stage?

Has anyone found any marvellous solutions to feeling like this? 😀

Also I feel like I’ve come into my own probably more than when I was young pre kids where I didn’t know that I should give more of a fuck than I did. I was free in my ignorance.

Now, wiser, I give far less of a fuck but I do this with purpose and less risk.
Im ambitious in my work, enjoy it, I savour the perks that present themselves as my new work phase offers opportunities I have never… in over 30 years of a career have experienced.

Roles have reversed, dh does the lions share of everything so I am free to do what I want.

We still have an early teens child (miracle baby in my 40’s) so have utterly utter joy in bringing him up.
I am about the other side of menopause now too so all in all I can’t see any negativity in my mid 50’s!

I'm 60 this year and working in what is seen as a low level job but tough both mentally and physically. I used to look to my peers (all highly successful) and be very down on myself. I do that less now.

At work I find myself less bothered by politics going on around me and more thinking how can I manage myself here for a few more years.

I have a child at sixth form and one at university so retiring early not sensible. However, it is on my horizon and I will assess situation annually as cannot see my self working here until 67.

I wish I had been more savvy about financially planning for retirement. I haven't been very grown up about it unfortunately and it does seem a bit of a desperate sensible drive now to boost my savings!

I have an unwell parent and best friend which has given me pause for thought. I think about my own mortality and health more now- not in a helpful way mostly.

Enjoying the little things, being aware that I need to balance time/ money when thinking about retirement.

I saw a colleague last week who has recently retired early. She said the winter months was where she struggled. It was interesting talking with her.

I hear you. I’m 56. Right now is an odd time. I’m feeling quite low and lost at the moment due to multiple bereavements and do feel
quite negative about extreme old age having watched parents and in-laws pass through it. I don’t feel I would be lucky to reach those very old ages and would definitely rather die, but we have no choice. I am admiring of your get up and go in doing a course, right now just going to work feels like a mountain.

Due to sheer dumb luck (ok and all those deaths) I am in a better financial position and that does make a vast difference, though I still expect to work to 67. I see a lot of recommendations on here for Rebel Finance School - maybe that could feel more like you have some control if you can make some financial progress?

It’s a wonderful book. James Hollis writes so well about this stage of our life

I’ve bought it as well, thanks pp! And OP, for your thread :)

No offence, OP, but I think your life is so very comfortable that you have the luxury of feeling dissatisfied. Happens to the best of us.

And I highly recommend Rebel Finance School as mentioned by @PermanentTemporary - new course starts for free on YouTube in June!

I did read a book at said humans are most unhappy and dissatisfied in mid 40s- mid 50s and then you pick up again so perhaps it is riding through this bit?

I personally don’t feel great in my mid 40s and it’s partly due to being aware I am getting older and partly due to looking back at my life so far and feeling like I’ve done everything you are meant to do but I’m not sure if I’ve done/doing what I was meant to do iyswim. I’m currently starting everyday telling myself ‘today is a good day’ and that is helping me focus on the positives of every day, of which I am lucky because there are many when I look for them 😊

I've ordered it too @ScanForm. Looks really useful

I’m late 50s and I do feel much more positive than 5-10 years ago so perhaps that thing @SomethingFun said is true, at least for me, cos really nothing much has changed for me in the last 5-10 years! I agree that small things mean a lot nowadays, a walk, a coffee, meeting a friend, the DC visiting. I will be working until 65+ as the DC still need support, the younger one is still at uni. And I enjoy my work but do find it more tiring (long commute) and am also less tolerant of colleagues. I am being very very careful about what I say at work, some of my opinions would not be generally popular and I make sure I’m seen to contribute to the team. I really don’t want to be made redundant as finding work of a similar interest / level of pay at pushing 60 would not be easy. Still overall my life is good though more financial planning several decades ago wouldn’t have gone amiss either.

I lost my father last year, my mother many years ago, and I wonder if being presented with that has changed me, in fact I know it has. I seem to be grieving more now than then, but I don’t want to be a misery, I want to enjoy life.

Thanks everyone for your wise insights and for explaining that you know how I feel - both have really helped! You've made me sit & think about how lucky I am in so many ways. I do think my job situation is hanging over me like a dark cloud & I think I feel annoyed that I can't just change my job now as I've got more training to do, but I am really enjoying the training & I find it motivating. I need to work on finding an alternative job that maybe gives me a day off each week to do some of the nice things or work on my course.
I think some of you are correct in saying this deep thinking is more of a hindrance than a help but it is just who I am. A friend said something similar recently that those who don't think too deeply about things just seem to breeze through life a bit more smoothly.
I do tend to enjoy the simple/small things in life (sunsets, reading, journaling & walks in nature) and I've thankfully never been motivated by material things. I think I need to plan to complete some small projects in the house & garden that will make me feel better & the house will look nicer. I'm heading out to the garden centre now (peak mid-life activity that I love!) to look at plants. I'm planning a garden full of colour/flowers this summer. We got the garden furniture out yesterday so that we can make the most of sitting outside after work on a sunny evening after work.

I think in midlife you do think deeply as you assess/reassess what has gone before. And sometimes the most seemingly blithe people do think deeply. We don't know what others are going through.

Noone gets to their 50s without something having happened to them or someone close to them that's given them pause for thought.

Thanks to the poster who recommended the book on the middle passage. It made sense to me. I'm going to live my life more intentionally and more joyfully - thanks for the thread OP.

We now know a few people of our age sadly going through serious illnesses as well, which really reminds you to savour the normal and everyday stuff in life.

@zehrkyBerlun yes, I agree. The things that happen do shape our lives and our outlook on life. I'm sorry you have got people close to you that are unwell @Arcadia It does make you think & reflect on how lucky we are. A recent illness has made me think & perhaps it's the time off that I've had that has given me the chance for introspection.
I do need/want to be more blithe of spirit - that is such a good word to describe it! ☺️

I've just turned 53 and mid life has definitely thrown enough curveballs my way which has left me wondering what the heck is this all about.

I gave up work 2 years ago to care for my mum who is now in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's. I don't know how much longer my poor mum has but when she goes I will feel the need to re-route my life down another avenue as this has been all I've known for the last 8 years, since her diagnosis.

It has made me realise that, for me, I have started to value the free things in life. A walk through the meadows in my village through all the seasons, watching the birds in my garden, last year we had 11 bluetit fledglings flee the box DH built and I was lucky enough to capture that moment as I was in the right place at exactly the right time and it made my heart buzz, singing alongside mum's favourite 60's songs on YouTube and watching her smile even though she can't talk anymore and watching my beautiful children grow up and enjoy life.

All a bit twee for some maybe but the closer I get to losing my mum the more I yearn for really simple pleasures especially as I have some chronic health issues and don't always feel great. I'm learning to pull myself out of depression by enjoying the minutiae of every day life. Maybe that will help me through this mid life funk?

Always do something nice for yourself and often.
You will run out of time before you run out of money.

Hi OP

I’m a similar age and a mum to teens too.
When not at work, in my senior role, with an organisation that also helps others, I tend to:

Spend time with my octogenarian Mum, because she’s lovely and because I don’t know how long I’ll have her for.

Hang out with and chat to my beautiful children as much as I can, because I’m very aware they’ll be leaving in a few years and I’m going to yearn for them, whilst also being pleased and proud of their independence.

Exercise - especially weights - because I want to be fit and strong- this is a work in progress - have lost nearly 3st this year and am almost at my target weight - looking to maintain and build muscle into my old age.

Book holidays for me and my family - because that’s what I choose to spend any extra money on - yes the house could do with some work but it can wait!

DH and I are thinking about fun things we can do when the kids move out - current idea is buy a high end camper van and travel round Europe. Will definitely be near the sea.

I also make sure to spend time with my wonderful, brilliant, funny, kind friends I have collected over the years. Because they are joyful and I love them. Currently one of my absolute all time besties (also a mum to teens) is dealing with a terminal cancer diagnosis. It’s utterly heartbreaking. She’s trying to find happiness in the small things, as is her way. Things like sitting in the sun, spending time with and appreciating loved ones, spring flowers - I am so grateful to have spent so many years in the company of this beautiful person and am trying hard to be a supportive, loving friend. Am devestated and in bits writing this. But one thing I truly know, is that it’s time to think about what’s really important. None of us know how long we have, so do the things that matter now. Be in the moment. Be in your body. Feel the sun on your face (if it’s out) and be present. Book that holiday. Visit that mate you haven’t seen for ages. Do some gardening, be in nature, swim, dance, cook and eat with those you love.

I sound like and old hippie I’m sure. But there are my 2 pennies 🪙🪙

@MybosswasMrMcGee totally agree - it really is the so called small things (watching the birds, seeing a sunset) that are the nice, enjoyable things in life. Not twee at all and spending time with loved ones is always a bonus.

@Simplestars I like your thinking about time & money 🙃

@TulipsDaffsAndSunshine I like your life plans - I do think goals/holidays are a good motivator. It's nice to have thinks to look forward to. I'm really sorry to hear about your friend, that must be really hard and I imagine it brings things like this into a sharp focus. You sound like a fabulous friend. It's not hippy ish at all. Sounds like you've got your shizzle sorted. Thank you for sharing the lovely things that you're doing.

Thank you so much everyone, you really have cheered me up. I went back to work today after being off sick and I feel better for it. I'm shattered but glad of the routine & I set my intentions for the day early this morning & I wanted to look for the small glimmers/gifts of the day and I did manage to find some. ☺️

@Springandsunshine oh gosh definitely don’t have my shizzle sorted! My house is a mess, so is my garden. I think I probably have undiagnosed ADHD, and I’m really behind on making appointments for things like smear tests (it’s on my list!) - but I think I have a good idea of how I want to live my life at this grand age and I think I was lucky to have parents who brought me up to know what’s really important.

Great thread OP - thank you 💛

@MybosswasMrMcGee I’m sorry to hear about your Mum, that’s so hard. Well done to you for looking after her. You’re a wonderful daughter.

LOVE your username 💜🕺🏾🪩

Great thread: very happy to find it. Thank you for book recommendations; have bought. In the same place OP: I have three ND kids who are in 6th form / uni so will have to continue to work to support them. | feel getting them to a sustainable form of adulthood is a much bigger challenge than I ever expected and it scares me and asks more from me (emotionally, financially) than I am sure I have. Supporting an elderly mum (who I don't like much) and working nearly full time in a job that is ... challenging and draining and well paid (v lucky) and I am at the moment actively making the choice to have the money rather than the time but not at peace with that decision. I am knackered all the time and feel like I am slogging my guts out and a bit worn down by it all. Sending solidarity to all in a similar place. (And, FWIW, I am on HRT (!) and I do focus a lot on sunshine and spring flowers at the moment but still, it's hard.)

Yes, @DeQuin i agree, so many challenges that just seem to grind us down as we're pulled in all directions. You're right in that there are nice, bright glimmers in amongst all this but the drudgery seems to play a bigger part.

I've just started reading the book The Middle Passage @ScanForm . It's so good - quite deep and it really makes you think. Thank you for recommending it. It's perfect for my situation.