Feeling conflicted over the death of a friend.

[Calmlycooly]

Please don’t flame me. I am opening up in search of understanding and maybe some support.

One of my neighbours has recently passed away. Not only was she a neighbour, our husbands worked together and are good friends.

Although I liked this lady, we were definitely friends through circumstance. Our characters are so very different, and (I am being honest here) I didn’t always see eye to eye on some of her quite right wing views.

I could always spend time in her company though and as a result of our paths crossing in multiple way, I spent a lot of time with this lady.

She was unwell for some time, and leaves behind two teenage sons, which is heartbreaking.

I have not dealt with death much in my life, but I am finding it hard to find words to write in a book of condolences that is being created for her sons to keep. I know I need to put a message in, but I struggle a little with some of the other messages from mutual friends, describing this lady in ways that are so different to who she was, within the book. I don’t feel I can write something that gushes the way the other messages do. It wouldn’t be authentic. Equally, I do want to write something heartfelt.

I feel like a bad person for the fact I am finding this hard. What is wrong with me? I am absolutely devastated for our friend, and the whole family, especially her poor children. I want to write something meaningful but not false and not quite sure how to put something on paper that will be appreciated by her family.

As long as you're not actually horrid I doubt her grieving family will care all that much tbh. Stick to a you will be missed.

A simple rest in peace will suffice. Don’t over think it.

I feel sorry for your loss. You could write about the fact you are feeling sad for her family and that you feel sad that she is no longer with you .I think at the time of a death families are aware it is difficult for people who want to express their feelings.

Perhaps describe her as one of a kind? Choose a specific thing you'll miss doing with her and write about that? "Taking the bins out will never be the same" or something similar.

Just pick one genuine thing that you valued about her or will miss or she was good at.

You will miss your chats
She was good at x
She was a great and devoted mum who lived for her kids.

If you can't find that, then just stick to She will be greatly missed by x

If you can't find that, say nothing.

I have a friend who picks everything apart to the nth degree and over thinks everything. It doesn't need to be all encompassing all of the time.

Is this not a task for chatgpt? I would specify in the prompt that you are British so it doesn't go all Hallmark. Some people gush, others don't so don't feel like there's a particular way that the message should be done. Write what you liked about her, what you enjoyed and how you will remember her. You really can't go wrong with that.

I really liked that my dad will be remembered by some for making questionable calls when umpiring cricket 😁

Good shout.

OP, I do think you are over thinking this .

Maybe stop judging her for not ticking certain boxes, and focus on the human qualities you related to so well?

You’ve mentioned that you spent a lot of time in the company of this lady. Why don’t you allude to that - I.e that you’ll miss (& cherish) her friendship and the time that you spent together . Keep it short & simple.

I presume she loved her kids? “Will be very much missed, devoted Mum and her love for her family shone through.”

You don’t need to bring her political views into it! Just focus on what you did like about her, (I personally wouldn’t use chat gpt - people CAN tell!)

You could write some of what you've put here,, we were very different but I could always spend time in her/your company. I will miss you.
It's truthful but has feeling and meaning.

It feels very strange not having you around to talk to. With love to your husband and boys- so sorry you are going through this. I am here if you need anything.....

'I will always remember the many interesting chats I had with Sylvia, who will be so dearly missed' (no one needs to know why you remember them or who specifically will miss her).

Can't believe people are suggesting Chat GPT for a condolence message. we're so done as a species.

If you liked her, she must have had positive attributes.

What did you like about her?

I'm struggling with this too. A relative, we never fell out but just didn't gel. At times, Over 30 years, I actually disliked her and she was unforgivable a couple of years ago.
But no one should die that early, that painfully and leave teens and parents in a understandable mess. I'm completely overthinking it but don't want to be truthful or lie.

Thanks for the thread

Do you have one specific memory of her that was good? Something like "my favourite memory of X is"? I think something concrete is so much better than platitudes. Followed by "I am so sorry you didn't have more time with your precious children," or similar, which sounds true from your post.

Put in something that enjoyed doing together - that's positive. Anything. They just want a nice memory of their mum

Something like “I will always remember x for the time we spent together with our children. She will never be forgotten”

She was a devoted mother and will be sorely missed. My sincere condolences to the family.

So done. Absolutely cooked as the young ones say 😂

As you spent some time with her, just something along the lines of "I will miss our many chats together and having so-and-so as my neighbour and friend". Doesn't have to be too involved imo.

Just put you’ll miss the times you spent together and the lovely chats. It’s half true,

Take your feelings and allow them to have their own space. Others can gush as much as they want to. If you want her husband and her children to read something from you, write something for them..

You’re over thinking it op. People always say/ write nice things about people recently deceased, even if they were awful in life. It’s not the time for hard truths