Anyone else a mother, who doesn't really get to have a Mother's Day

[CaramelChips]

I'm on my own with a DC, now a teenager. And I come from a background without parents, or at least supportive parents. And I never really get to have a Mother's Day, in the way that I see it portrayed and we and hear about. Just wondering whether anyone else is in the same boat.

I can organise something for me and my DC. I can buy things for myself, that they wrap, but that's a bit odd. My DC is now at an age where they eye roll if I suggest doing something they don't want to do. They've never been that aware that Mothers Day is a thing, or at least there hasn't been anyone else there teaching them that it's something I might get. And in a way they've lost out too.

I know some single parents whose parents make sure something happens, that they get celebrated. But I don't have that.

It is just something I have to suck up and can't change, and have to suppress in terms of being hurt by not having it, and seeing lots of other people have it. Sometimes in terms of, multiples generations of a family. Just like all the other things I have to suck up, without anyone seeing or caring how I feel. I kind of feel like I live outside society, just watching it.

Yes, I am the same! I am a lone parent (widowed) and my DD is a teen. My DM is elderly so we will be going to see her today and make a fuss of her. I do love my DM very much but it would be nice if I could have a ‘normal’ Mothers Day!

I hear you and sympathise but hopefully it helps a little to know you’re not alone (I know it does me).

I think it's a day that can easily make you feel that everyone else is being spoiled rotten and having a wonderful time, when the reality for many people is that it's just another day for the most part.

I'm a lone parent to a teen. He is old enough to go and pick out a card and some flowers or a small gift by himself - your teen should be able to do the same (even if you have to give him some money to facilitate, he should be able to do the thoughtful bits of picking something out, wrapping it, writing a card etc. without your input).

My teenager rarely wants to spend time with me, and I don't mind that but I do let him know that it's nice for me to feel appreciated - today or on any other day. It just doesn't often look like an instagram dream with a massive bouquet, breakfast in bed etc.

We might get a takeaway as a treat and I might cajole him into an extra chore or two but nothing that makes it feel especially different to any other day.

Gift giving and celebrating is something that is taught and reinforced through families. If your children eye roll instead of celebrating then my take on it is that the act of celebrating with gifts is not something they are comfortable with and been brought up to do. Are they the same about birthdays and Christmas?

Goodness - well I suppose I've never really had a big thing made of it. My children are both adults with children of their own and my mother's days before grandchildren but when my own children were young were more or less non-existent. When they were young adults I got a card, which may or may not arrive on the day, except for one mother's day when I was taken out to lunch. Since grandchildren, mother's days have happened for my own children but not really for me... But this year I got the most fabulous bouquet of flowers from one daughter, and I have been invited to a meal by the other daughter, so it's probably going to be the best Mother's Day ever!

I’m a widow, mum died years ago. My DC are grown up with their own families. Their DWs and families come first on Mothering Sunday. I was taken out for dinner yesterday and I have cards, chocolates and flowers. I’ll just have a quiet day today.

Yes, you definitely aren't alone! I am a lone parent to a 2YO and haven't really had a supporting relationship with my own mum, as I spent most of my childhood with my grandparents or in children's homes. Unfortunately my grandmother died last march who was my only sense of a motherly figure. So my mother's day is, and likely always will be, what I make of the day myself. Our nursery doesn't do the whole special craft days now either, so it's another mental load to add to my list of things to do but it is something.

This year, i've made my own card with DD, made some brownies with her and got her to pick me some flowers from the local supermarket.

Sending you love and hugs 💐

My dc are 14 and 12, they now go and buy presents for me off their own bat. Xh and I used to help them but don't really need to now, have you suggested your teen organised something?

What are your expectations?
I see a lot of posts where women have expectations that are daft - the afternoon tea thread that was from M&S not homemade. But it's just a silly made up day.

I don't understand why a teenager isn't able or responsible to make/ buy a card and spring for ASDAs £1 daffs and a bar of Dairy Milk. Isn't that sufficient? And if it is sufficient, then why not communicate to your teen that this is important to you. If you haven't brought them up to value celebrating mother's day, then why would they think it was important. People aren't mind readers. Either you train your kids to have the traditions and values you want, or you tell them "so I dropped the ball on us celebrating mother's day when you were little and I'd like to change that now. Go buy me some flowers and chocolate and then I'll get us a takeaway for tea"

What exactly are you expecting from Mother’s Day? I think you are probably fantasising about a special day which doesn’t really exist for most people.

I got a card my child made at nursery, but otherwise was up from 5 with the baby and will be doing the usual things today as always. We will have lunch out - but we might do that at the weekend anyway.

Social media is a nightmare for people posting OTT drippy comments and photos for attention, that’s probably what you’re seeing. Most of us aren’t doing that, nor having some amazing day being ‘celebrated’.

We don’t celebrate MD. I know how much my children love me - I don’t need a (price hiked) card/flowers/cheap plastic tat to remind me.

i appreciate them and they appreciate me every day (even though teenagers don’t show it).

I was the child in that situation. My mum told me years later the fact I never thought much of Mothers’ Day was because there was no one to show me. In actual fact it was a combination of thinking I appreciated my mum every day and didn’t need one day for it and because she’d complain about what I gave her so it was a bit depressing.

I’m now a mum and’s I’m still not bothered. I love the card and present that came home from school. Together with hug that’s all I need.

I'm a mum-to-be, I'm due tomorrow! I've had a couple of contractions within the last couple of days, but otherwise no sign of an appearance being made. I'm not putting any pressure on.

My own mother isn't big on days like this because she's a Jehovah's Witness. Anyone who knows about them will also know that they celebrate nothing; birthdays, Easter, Christmas, Halloween etc. They are the most boring nutters walking the planet. Sadly my mother went out of her way to ruin my life, so I've not had contact with her in a number of years now anyway.

I do wish a very Happy Mother's Day to all other mums, though! Cards, flowers, chocolate and lots of hugs and kisses xx

I agree with this so much. It’s all very well to dismiss “days” as meaningless but I have specifically taught my children to show appreciation because it’s nice to do and it’s totally part of who they are and the culture in our family.

Same childhood.

Wishing you a wonderful mum to be day, and many happy Mother’s Day ahead.

It would be nice if they did show it, surely? Absolutely doesn’t have to be plastic tat - or anything like you have described.

But it’s just a portrayal @CaramelChips one of the brilliant marketing successes which creates a “problem” - mothers feeling like they are missing out - and offers a “solution” with cards and flowers.

I have two teenagers and recently there has been a few discussions about the possible under 16s social media ban. They have thanked us, and understand more now, why we weren’t as slack as other parents, why TikTok, Twitter, Telegram, etc were banned - no negotiation. They have been so lovely and are honestly pleased the line we took with their mobile phone use and restrictions. Not sure we got it all right but acknowledgment that we tried.

This is what I feel thanks for mothering is all about, not some marketing gimmick to make people feel guilty (if they forget), sad (if they are forgotten) or some box ticking exercise “flowers card bought I can forget about it for a year what more does she want”.

I am in a perfect position to demand reverence from this household, to be held aloft each year like the Virgin Mary, fuck it get me a small statue for regular worship children I deserve nothing less! Their true thanks for parenting decisions they didn’t always like or understand at the time is worth much more.

What you see portrayed ask yourself is the solution to spend money? Or make others feel inferior (social media)?

And what will I do today, I am making the coffee, I will make a Sunday roast with food I went out and got. I will be nudging eldest to revise, and going through debate topic with youngster (actually dad will be doing this as well to be fair), washing muddy sports clothes, filling up lunch accounts, remembering everything for everyone.

Cards, zero, presents, nothing. Do I feel loved? God yes, maybe not quite daily but not far off, I don’t need a card for this, I just need them to be as ok as they can. And how they show appreciation can’t be photographed and marketed - just as it should be.

Have a nice Sunday OP.

Oh I choose to celebrate myself. I'm a single parent to DD. We are in center parcs having a fabulous time! X

I realised last year that my DC think Mothers Day is for my mum and MiL and not me. I suppose as they always threw a bit strop about it so it was easier to go along.
So this year Ive gone out alone for breakfast and DH and I are having dinner later. A break from relentless teens is my treat! The Granny's have other kids and grandkids who can fill in today.

A teenager should be able to sort a card and small gift. I don't think they are that great at arranging days out etc. but a cup of tea or breakfast used to be a thing for me (not anymore because I always get up first!)
I've been a single parent since youngest was quite young and he always wanted to celebrate it - we would go to shops of his choosing and I would have to stand outside while he went in!

Lone parents have to teach their children to think of these things or they won't know about them. When they are little they might make things for Mother's Day in nursery or school which is lovely but that tails off as they get older.
I remind my Dd about Mother's Day and my birthday, drop hints about making me a card and organise something nice for us to do.

Can I suggest that you continue to model how you would like to be treated on Mother’s Day going forward, as it sounds like you are brilliantly. Take her out to choose you a gift and hand her the money/card to pay for it etc. get her to give it to you and fake surprised joy etc. when she is a bit older take her to the shops and allow her to go in and choose you something etc etc. let her pick somewhere to take you for lunch etc that way she will eventually know to be able to do it herself.

if you don’t teach your children it matters, they’ll think it doesn’t :)

Likewise here. Dd picked me a card from the supermarket and I paid for it, and then bought myself something I liked that I gave to her to give to me. She got very upset a few years a few years ago that she couldn’t get me anything so I feel this is a good compromise!

otherwise it’s business as usual, except my own harridan of a mother is coming over and fully expecting a roast and a fuss over her, which truly she does not deserve, but hey ho.

It was never a thing when I was a child, although I did send my mum a card when I was at uni!
My mum died a long time ago, when MIL was alive we’d do something for her with the DC (and BIL and his family). I’m waiting for my cards from my adult DC!!! One is still in bed (student), the other is at work. I’d like not to have to cook dinner, that’s about it! DS will oblige if I ask him ..,

I’ve just finally sat down after making everyone’s breakfast and cleaning up he house from top to bottom since 7 this morning.

My oldest son sent the younger ones money to get me stuff and flowers which they gave me this morning.

My husband made himself breakfast and couldn’t even make the kids any 🙄 he’s not acknowledged it at all but he never does as he’s selfish.

so in all honesty I see it as another pointless day and have zero expectations.

My closer friend has had a similar morning to me and she’s also married. So please don’t think you’re missing out. I’m sure the rare amazing men out there ensure their wives have a great day. I think everyone I know including me are married to utter pricks

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be celebrated by your children and their father if they're young on a special day.

It's not "OTT", "drippy", "entitled", "a fantasy". Why do so many women feel they have to accept so little?

Mine gave me a home made card each, a beautiful plant and a candle. Their father (not together) made a gorgeous card with photos of them on and a lovely message with a giant bar of chocolate, because kids are only 3 and 5. I feel very happy.