How to cope with MIL staying over with dog in small house?

[Lucy98769]

My MIL is coming to stay next weekend for 2 nights. She stays 4 hours away. We have m a 4 month old baby and a toddler. We only have a 2 bed house so she is sleeping on the couch and bringing her dog.

I’ve told DH that I think space will be tight but he said we can see how it goes. He wants her to stay - fair enough as it’s his mum and his house too. Dog is very needy so everytime she goes to toilet it goes mad. Dog not coming isn’t an option as she takes it everywhere and refuses to use a sitter. She also doesn’t pick up after it in the garden but I’ll be speaking to DH about the as we have two young kids.

She doesn’t want to stay at hotel as she feels she shouldn’t have to, and can’t afford it. We are on mat leave so we can’t afford to pay for a hotel for her.

The main issue is some of the comments she makes. She can be rude and thoughtless towards me and it’s clear her son is her number 1 priority. Anytime I’ve spoke to DH about her he’s been quite defensive.

I need tips on mentally surviving this weekend, handling it with grace and not feeling furious inside when she comes over and says something offensive.

Anyone?

The dog isn't allowed into your garden where the dc play. There is always residue left, even after clear up. She can take it out. Or Dh can. Pp has a good idea with dh constantly taking it out. He can be on poop patrol.
Dh wants her to visit so Dh hosts her. He can do all the extra work.
He can constantly put the kettle on and make you a drink whilst he's at it.
If she usually criticises your cooking, tell dh you are not putting up with her comments so he can do the cooking whilst she's here.
He can sort out the bedding.
Anything she asks you for, call dh to do it because you are too busy. (Dh your mum wants a cup of tea. Do you want to do it or change this nappy? She wants xyz. I'm doing this with dc. etc)
Be very busy with dc. Please tell me you are breastfeeding? You can spend a lot of time in the bedroom quietly feeding the baby & getting them to sleep. Shut the door. Dh can entertain the toddler whilst you get to stay out of the way & out of earshot of comments.
I'd be making bathtime longer. Toddler will enjoy the attention & again you are out of the way.
And he does not disappear whilst she's there. No he cannot just pop out to see/do anything. Whatever it is can wait until she's gone or he can take her with him. It'll be nice for her to have some 1 2 1 time with him.

Be very busy with dc. Please tell me you are breastfeeding? You can spend a lot of time in the bedroom quietly feeding the baby & getting them to sleep.
Absolutely. Is the baby having a 4 month regression by any chance?
If DH wants the visit on MIL's terms then make the visit DH's responsibility. Absent yourself as much as possible and don't apologise for it.

There are a lot of examples of perfectly well behaved small friendly dogs attacking babies and causing serious injuries or even death. The adults involved are always shocked after the event and go on about how lovely and friendly their dog has always been in the past. It takes a moment and you will already have multiple calls on your time while she’s there. Even if DH doesn’t accept your already really valid and sensible objections this should be explained to him. You shouldn’t have to put up with this with a toddler and baby even if she is his mum. It doesn’t matter how many posters have wonderful memories of their times with dogs if you don’t want it there. Neither should you have to train your toddler how to behave around dogs in your house if you don’t want to. Fine to teach them care outside for their own safety as it’s impossible to get away from dogs nowadays. Your priority is your children and your own well being not his mum. She isn’t going to be a great grandmother by the sounds of it anyway. Maybe he could visit her as she seems to have little interest in her grandchildren or their wellbeing.

Could you maybe take the kids and stay with your parents. Tell him it's proper mother and son bonding time.

In this situation I would be saying I’m unsure about the dog and MIL having enough space. If DH is happy fine as I would be watching the children. I would be expecting my DH to do all the prep etc - making the bed up, entertaining so it wouldn’t be extra on me. BTW no way would I move bed if I was breast feeding/had a baby. This isn’t 1970 when there weren’t many hotels etc, plenty of options for people wanting to stay if they don’t like what’s offered. Your MIL can’t be that old.

In that case, I’d be making myself scarce! Play date? Soft play? Visit relatives?

As it's only two nights, I'd tolerate it. Just make sure dog isn't left unattended with toddler or baby. And make sure you have a stack of poo bags that you can make a point of handing her when she arrived, so she can pick up. If she can't, then your DH needs to seeing as it's his mum.

It might actually be nice for your toddler now they're a bit older... They might like to help walk the dog if you all get out together, or daddy nanny toddler and dog can go to give and baby some headspace at home.

At least it's just two nights. If you were saying a week, I'd agree it's too intrusive. But for 2 nights it'll soon be over!

Set some boundaries-MIL or DH MUST pick up after the dog; DH to take lead in all planning and entertainment of MIL. DH to cook ( unless you want to in order to escape). Plan to be out most of both days to mitigate the issues indoors. It is only two days - and if it is worse than he expects, he will need to learn for the next request from MIL.

I was bitten by a nasty fucker of a dog at the age of 2 so no, I wouldn't even have her over the threshold or sleeping on the sofa.

And I agree with @metalbottle with this:

You have a husband problem in that he doesn't support you. For the future, make sure you are financially independent and you know where all your family money is - if he doesn't pull his finger out and put you before his mum, you might need it.

I think it’s pointless and mentally exhausting trying to fight this.

Personally - I would

1. give her a key so she can come and go with the bloody dog without bothering you
2. make plans to be out most of the time, plans which she/Dh can either join in with or not. So, going over to a friends with small kids for breakfast/brunch, meeting more friends in the park, spring flowers walk somewhere, spring farm visit (there’s a place locally where you can see the lambs).
3. Go to bed extremely early - 9 at the very latest, 830 if possible, or even with the kids bedtime. Warn Dh you’re going to do it. Gives you some me-time. Tbh I tend to disappear quite early with most guests.
4. Give her a chan e to be helpful - offer either bath time or bedtime stories for her - or both - see if she will babysit for an early evening pub trip for you and Dh?

Buy dog poo bags and hand them to her when she lets the dog out.

Good grief, it's only two nights OP. I know it's not ideal but it is his mum. It won't hurt the kids either to have a small, friendly dog around. Your toddler, DH and MIL can take it for a walk together. But she or your DH must pick up dog poo and if your MIL wants waiting on, then that's your DH's job. If the woman can't afford a hotel and you can't help her out, then it is what it is.

Have you posted about this before @Lucy98769?

If you aren't going to refuse her coming with the dog, then a couple of things I would suggest:

1. Have a friend on standby so that if you text her a given phrase, she phones you up to ask you to take her to A & E, or go and look after her toddler at her house, as she has an emergency, so that you have a ready made excuse to get out of the house for a couple of hours.

2. To make you laugh at the things she does, play MIL bingo. Make a card on your phone (or on here if you want us to know how it's going) with things on such as 'Didn't pick up her dog poo' or 'commented on my weight' or 'said when my children were babies we...' This might give you a little laugh when you cross a line off the bingo card or even get a full house.

3. Each time the dog goes out for a poo in the garden, say to your DH 'can you please go and pick up Rover's poo, and hose it down as it is toxic for the kids' This might make him think twice about the dog coming another time.

Jesus. It’s only 2 nights. My mil used to come for over 3 weeks

Learn how to say " Don't be so bloody offensive!"

Tell your DH you intend to use that phrase when her behaviour warrants it, and he'd better not intervene on her behalf. Tell him, if he does, you'll be off to the cinema/ library/park for the rest of the day.

In my (limited) experience of this sort of behaviour, you call them out on it once, they get VERY defensive, a row of greater or lesser magnitude ensues, then they watch themselves. As much as they can.

Typos

I would be really tempted to take the kids and stay with my parents for a bit. Is that an option for you?

I think 2 nights should be doable (you can have a countdown in your head)! I would be using feeding time in my room to recover from her and the dog in peace. As PP have said getting everyone out to a park would be good too. Other than that make sure DH is front and centre of meals and cleaning for you all - it's a theme on here that men invite people but then don't do any work for it, so please don't let that happen. If her dog goes outside tell her where the poo bags are and watering can to clear up - I'd expect it to be done immediately with kids around.

Why is she coming? seems she’s not interested in her DGC just her dog and your DH, can you go to your parents or siblings for the weekend and leave them to it?