This is more than normal 12 year old drama

[thehorrorspersistyetsodoi]

Earlier this year we discovered my DD(12) had been self harming. She is under CAMHS but is not properly engaging with support at the moment and they know about all of this buy dont actually know what to so it seems. ( she is no longer self harming and stopped immeditely)

Up until this year she was genuinely the happiest, loveliest child, so so much fun, carefree, loved life. She had a steady group of friends from the start of high school and there were never any major issues.
Since this year her behaviour in friendships has become intense and alarming.

It is mostly happening through messaging but im sure at school aswel. She fixates on perceived problems and repeatedly questions friends until they are worn down. She assumes there is always something wrong. She struggles to let things go. Small issues escalate quickly. She can spread information/rumours she has heard ( or made up im not sure) without thinking about the consequences. She will apologise, seem to understand, and then repeat the same behaviour.

From the outside it looks obsessive, dramatic and socially damaging. The other girls seem drained and frustrated. I am deeply worried about the long term impact and also thats shes potentially damaging other children as she is defo the problem.

I am constantly checking her messages and speaking to her about what I am seeing. I have approached this calmly. I have been firm. I have shouted. I have threatened consequences. I have tried to be understanding and loving. I feel like I have come at this from every possible angle and nothing is changing.

Please be kind. I am honestly struggling, im terrified of other parents reading these and approaching me. If she were not my own child, I know I would judge this behaviour very, very harshly.

She comes from a great background, loving parents and wider family, all shes seen is positive relationships.

Has anyone dealt with this before?

I think it’s probably important to teach her acceptance- that you accept who she is, that she gets wound up and twitchy in certain situations and that’s ok.
It’s ok to ‘be’ her.

Teach her relaxation strategies- trampolining is great, relaxation can be active- also calm strategies. Breathing, candles, yoga… variety is key, imo. Perfectionism and anxiety seem to be present. Strategies don’t prevent stressed behaviours, but they do dial down the body so the reactions are slower and less extreme. Like, daily yoga means when the bugger in the big car cuts you up, you roll your eyes rather than screaming in frustration. The aim is dialling down her stress hormones so she has more capacity.

Remove shaming for what you perceive as bad behaviour.
Go with structuring the environment so she can’t do the bad behaviour. ‘We’re going to hold on to your phone for a while, so you don’t get caught up in phone arguments.’

Use some factual consequences information when she’s doing something counter productive. ‘People don’t like it being told they are wrong. They choose not to hang out.’ It’s really important to do this neutrally- emotion gets in the way of the message. ‘Sarah’s upset because and now she won’t hang out with you because you were mean and you should have been kinder’- that’s just babble that drowns out the cause and effect.

Sorry, that’s a long answer! It’s a lot of years hard learned insight compressed into one post! 😅

sorry also with ADHD comes RSD, rejection sensitivity disorder

so if someone, a friend, doesn’t give positive a conformation to something, it could even be as small as me liking a jacket and a friend not, RSD will enforce that as a perceived rejection

especially in teenage years when hormones are all
over too this can feel Catastrophic

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to explain it like that.

I think I need to educate myself more, I understand the “classic” well knows autism traits but didn’t realise the wider scope of it

No not yet, she’s almost 13. Has defo started puberty has small boobs but no body hair or period

You really didn’t need to share that abour your child on line, no one asked you for that detail.

@thehorrorspersistyetsodoi I’m not suggesting it’s entirely hormonal but if she does have something underlying (like ASD) then it definitely makes it worse. Which on the flip side mean once she’s finished puberty it will get better, but if there is something underlying hopefully CHAMS will pick it up and you can get extra support. I went through CHAMS as a teenager and they were good with me but they’re so hit or miss I would maybe look into private help if you can afford it. Good luck either way.

What does that even mean!!!!!

someone asked about puberty, it’s been talked a lot. This is an anon post.

I know you've said you don't think she's autistic but the more I read your examples the more she sounded like one of my dd's at that age, who was diagnosed with autism when she was 12. She also had MH issues.

My DD is a young adult now and can look back on that time and see how she was struggling to understand social interactions. She wasn't trying to be awkward or intense, and would have difficulty understanding the discomfort she was putting her friends in.

It might be helpful to read up a bit on girls with autism and social struggles to see if it resonates.

Fwiw, our DD wasn't diagnosed until her MH meant she was hospitalised. Puberty and hormones can cause extra pressure that pushes everything to the extreme.

Just googled this and I think it's worth a look at.

Dear OP, the best thing you can do is get professional help for your daughter.

A few sessions at her age with a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist could help her immensely.