Helping friend find her Grandmother

[Cobwebsofwisdom]

My friend is NC with all of her family apart from her Gran (for very good reason although not necessary to go into here, they may have bearing on this situation).

For the last month or so, Gran isn't answering her phone to my friend, just rang out. And now it comes up as 'number not in existence' or 'invalid'.

No obituaries that we can find (Gran would be early 90s) but I am no expert on where to find records.

Friend's Mum is absolutely awful to friend and had succeeded in turning the narrative so that Gran did side with her Mum sometimes over more recent years, but friend and Gran still rang one another regularly. I did suggest perhaps friend's Mum had gone onto Gran's phone and blocked friend but this isn't the case as the number is invalid when I call it too.

Friend wonders if Mum has put Gran in a home.

Is there any way she can trace what has happened that we may not have thought of?

Has your friend been round to her gran’s house to check that she still lives there?

No, that will be a last resort. They're around 300 miles apart. Friend isn't a driver and doesn't speak to other family most of whom are all still living nearer Gran so would have to arrange it properly. I will support obviously-but good question and I realise I should have put distance details in the OP, apologies.

Does your friend know any of her grandmother's friends or neighbours? Or know the names of any of them, and can contact them and ask about her?

Can local police do a welfare check?

This is the only way to know for sure if she can’t find a death record.

You can call local retirement homes and ask.
or check their social media, sometimes they post about new residents or activities.
or Could she send her a letter?

Unfortunately not, friend moved away from them all a long time ago.

That's not a bad idea to check social media-if she sent a letter it is guaranteed her Mum would open it (provided the house is still accessible to her).

Wouldn't DPA prevent retirement homes from disclosing who lives in them?

That isn't a bad idea.

Try 192.com. You may have to pay a few pounds. I found an old friend of my DH using them.

I haven't heard of this--would it be able to locate someone in a care home/retirement complex etc?

I don’t think in care home retirement home. Afaik they go off electoral records.

Thank you, I was about to look into that, I think from what google says it is about £16 minimum which would be fine if it helped, but Gran isn't likely to have moved house at her age unless it was into residential care. As an aside, if Mum has put Gran into a care home friend would be very upset about this. I am going to suggest the welfare check.

Before Mum began trying to turn Gran against friend, Gran had friend in charge of her wills and estates etc. Friend not sure if Mum has made her change this back now. It may be also that a welfare check will just have the local force contact Mum and not tell friend anything. And care homes as I think I said upthread, may not be able to tell friend if Gran is a resident either.

I have looked for obituaries but not found anything.

Good God! do retirement homes really use social media to post about new residents? I sincerely hope not!

So your friend doesn't know another living soul who was in contact with her Grandmother? No neighbour? Would she know the GP practice?

They spoke regularly until recently but Gran is mostly housebound and only sees friend's Mum and one or two other relatives all with whom friend is NC.

A police welfare check would be a good idea. I also wonder if a call to Social Services would be helpful, if your friend's mum is preventing gran from having contact with your friend and would also intercept post, this could be seen as coercive control / elder abuse.
If your friend explains this to the police and social services they are likely to take notice.

Thank you, I will put this to her.
It doesn't help that friend's Mum is quite high up in the local care home industry (I think she oversees a couple of care home companies that have merged or something like that). Friend has said that she (Mum) has a newish relationship, she has learned this through social media, and she has from for when this happens, shirking any sense of responsibility so it does make sense that Gran may have ended up in a home unfortunately.
Gran has all her faculties so to speak but is obviously not as mobile as she would have been a few years ago and isn't tech-savvy so wouldn't have necessarily known how to contact my friend or known how to save her number etc.

Am sure your friend has her reasons for going no contact with her mum but saying the mum has ‘form for shirking any sense of responsibility’ and your friend would be upset if mum has put Gran into a care home is unreasonable of your friend. Elderly people in their 90s with mobility problems can need a lot of care including personal care. If your friend’s mum works then how can she adequately look after her own mum who likely has ever increasing needs? Gran might also be lonely and enjoy the company in a care home.

Sadly a sudden inability to contact her points to her either having died, being in hospital or a care home. When my dad died in his 80s we didn’t publish an obituary and we won’t when my mum - now in 90s - dies either. At those ages there are very few people to tell other than family as the majority of their friends have died or lost touch.

I understand that, perhaps her care needs have increased recently.

I think friend is more so upset at not being given the opportunity to help. She would likely move in with Gran to care for her if at all possible, if her Mum couldn't do it, but it seems that Gran hasn't been given the opportunity to talk to her (mum may have blocked friend's number or told lies about friend so Gran didn't want to be in touch or something such as). Of course, as you've said, it could be that perhaps Gran is no longer capacious or it was something done in a rush or something like that. Friend got a call back from some sort of agency in the area who said that Gran isn't dead, or there would be a record and there wasn't. I have forgotten who that were but I will find out.

Friend's Mum works part time as far as me and friend know and has a lot of free time, some of which has been spent with a new partner (Gran has said this) a lot of trips away and out, friend has been thinking Gran's needs have been neglected as a result. Mum has always had a drink issue, as well as being abusive generally.

Friend remembers Gran very fondly as a child, was often left out at events, sent to her room or beaten, only girl and youngest, brothers were encouraged to bully and chastise and join in when Mum was abusing friend. Gran didn't intervene a lot, but is the only person who ever did. So I can see why this is so upsetting. I don't know what else can be done but I will support with whatever happens or is found out.

I think sadly she may well have died. As a previous person said a lot of people don’t do obituaries.

You could check the probate register but not all estates need probate and if a recent death it might not show up for a bit:

https://www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

Also check the London Gazette:
https://www.thegazette.co.uk/wills-and-probate

The only way to know really is to go and if not there try asking a neighbour.

If your friend can afford it, make the journey asap and stay over a couple of nights as a tourist. Knock on neighbours doors for info.

Make a weekend of it. Take a look around like tourists do.

Theres ways and means ….

That’s what I was about to say, otherwise you’re chasing avenues which might not lead to anything.

Friend would’ve moved in with Gran to care for her but won’t make the journey to find out if she’s alive, and if she is to visit her?

If you Google someone’s name and town, if they have died recently, you quite often you find the funeral arrangements.