What do you do when someone constantly asks about money?

[HEC2746]

I have an old and (supposedly) close friend. Both married, both have DC, both work as well as our DH’s. However there is a difference in income between our two families, with us seeming to have more money - I’ll say seeming as it’s not like I actually have access to their bank account after all. Not that we are rich, just comfortable.

Every time we do something, they ask how we managed to afford it. And it’s not like I’m bragging about it, it’s stuff that’s hard to either not mention or not show. You’re on holiday, well how much did that cost you? You’ve got a new car, how much is that a month then? Oh you’ve decorated your kitchen, how on earth did you afford that? Then followed by, I don’t know how you do it, I couldn’t afford that.

I mean the honest answer is simply that we are presumably on slightly higher salaries. I also know that my DH made some good investments a while ago that have helped pay for a few things now - not that anything is flash, a normal mid-range car, a European holiday out of season etc. But what on earth do I say when they keep bringing it up? It’s slowly driving me bonkers. I can’t hide a new car or not ever let them into a room we’ve painted, or only spend the same monthly disposable income they do!

Let the friendship fade, that's the only answer.

Either that, or tell her that you are fed up with her obsession over money, and you are sick and tired of her making you justify how you are able to afford things.

“I do t like to talk about money”, “not sure DH would want me discussing our finances”, “why do you want to know?”, “I feel very uncomfortable every time you talk about money, can you please stop doing it”, “that’s a pretty intrusive question, I’d never ask you about private family stuff like finances” etc.

I never answer these sort of questions - I just assume it’s a rhetorical questions, and laugh…

The mirror question is "why can't you afford car/kitchen/clothes?"

Just as uncomfortable. As a response it bats it back into friend's court.

I would ignore and move on, or give a 'oh you know...', or it was cheap, a special offer, it's nothing special, we did it ourselves, just takes a bit of budgeting, no idea DH paid, no actual figures or admitting anything was expensive.

People are so weird. I distanced from a friend who made little comments then one day said “sometimes I look at people and cannot figure out how they afford the things they do?” Then looked at me. We’d just come back from visiting family in the US with small dc. The answer was probably dh earned more than she realised, I’m good at budgeting, we had old cars and prioritised travel.

Another seemed to distance from me when we were having our kitchen done and in a separate conversation I mentioned we’d just remortgaged and she said “ah, that’s how you’ve been able to do the kitchen!” And I didn’t really think much of it but she seemed upset when I replied “no, we’ve been saving up for a while for the kitchen. We remortgaged because the 5 year fixed rate was up so just moved to a new 5 year fix and took 2 years off the term that was left.”

That said, our previous neighbours were a part time primary teacher and an IT officer where I work (he was nhs band 5) and I assume their large 5 bed home was inheritance or lottery win. I’d never comment to them though.

Just ignore the question. If there isn’t anything notable between your jobs then it’s probably just a difference of priorities about what money gets spent on.

Yes I might be tempted to say, 'You never seem to get anything new or go anywhere, whatever do you do with all your money?' But I would bottle it!

Just say ‘I don’t know why you keep asking these questions, Angela. We just have more money than you. I don’t know why this seems to baffle you so much.’ And then change the subject.

When someone asks me intrusive questions and hasnt backed off after the normal socially acceptable clues that i dont want to answer their question, then I ask them "why do you need to know that"

Whatever they reply i just say "oh."

Then i say anyway, how was your weekend or comment about the weather or something.

If she still carries on after that then really all you're left with is bloody hell do you want to see my bank statements or something? Its none of your bloody business!!

MIL spent years doing this. How much were those trousers, oh extravagant then. After about a decade I just started saying they cost what I was prepared to pay for them from my salary that I work for.

When others have done it I've concluded they are frenemies and have distanced.

I wonder if your friend is one of those people who start Mumsnet threads like “AIBU to not understand how anyone pays for holidays” or “AIBU to think it’s impossible to afford days out with two kids” because they can’t comprehend the notion of different people having different financial circumstances?

Your friend may be either a loaded miser or frittering away cash on unnecessary bits and pieces then resenting you for your choices.

In any case you may be up to eyes in repayments for kitchen and car.

Spending on things can mean you have no cash left.

As you know, you don't have to justify your spending (or anything else) to anyone. And, as you observe no one can really know what others have.

All the PPs have excellent suggestions. The question is how close are you really to this person and do you want to continue the friendship?

I tend to go with @FenywHysbys technique since I am very conflict-averse. If pressed, I'd probably mumble something like, 'Well, we saved up for it, just like everyone does.' or give a deliberately comedic answer, 'We robbed a bank; can't you tell?' or 'We'll be eating beans on toast for the foreseeable future'

Or, in your situation, since she's always asking, I'd be tempted to wind her up by giving an outrageous answer, 'Oh, the kitchen, it was £100k' or 'Why don't you guess?' and string her along without giving her any specifics.

@SlightlyBruisedApple , has a good line too. You'd have to deliver it with just the right tone of voice and a tinkly little laugh.

She doesn’t have to be either, surely. She may just earn less than the OP, ditto theur spouses. I mean, it’s not that mysterious.

Just say - oh it’s something we budgeted for.

I would answer each comment with, ‘I’m not sure what you are getting at’.

Yes, but there are millions of people who earn less than other people. It isn't commonplace to constantly be asking intrusive financial questions about how your friends can afford to pay for stuff, especially if it is blindingly obvious that they earn more than you do.

See that’s what I feel like saying - it’s been about a decade now of us having different finances so god knows why they keep asking the same question!

The thing is, they must know we earn more. Our DHs are in a similar field but mine is more senior to hers. I work in a slightly better paid sector and, again, am more senior than her. Any logical person must surely guess we’re on some more money, even if it’s not 50k more.

Some really good suggestions here, thank you. I probably just need to woman up a bit and ask them why they keep asking me when the answer is so bloody obvious!

Sure, but that may come down to something inherent to the personality, intelligence or fixed beliefs of the asker, rather than anything to do with her finances.

She may, for instance, have the fixed belief, based on no particular evidence, that she and the OP are on a level pegging in the world (both married, both work, both have children, longtime friends) therefore they should be doing exactly the same things in terms of cars, holidays, house renovations, and she’s genuinely puzzled about how the OP can do things she can’t.

Or it may be that her continual questions aren’t questions, but indirect resentment (‘I don’t like that you have nicer things than me, but we’re friends so I can’t say so’).

Or she thinks the OP has a secret income stream, which would make her feel better about, in her eyes, about ‘losing’ what may be first her a competition between them. That way, she can think ‘Oh, but it’s ok for her — she got that big inheritance’ etc etc.

I always say “oh I can’t remember now”, then change the subject.

Don't you find that you've gone off her a lot, OP? She's obviously seething with jealousy, and that's no basis for a friendship . I agree with a PP, let the friendship slide.

Yes, it is something that is rankling a lot as time goes by and which is really frustrating me. We just replaced something biggish in the house and I got all the questions about it.

I think @SlightlyBruisedApple has hit the nail on the head. Imagine friends see us at a sort of level pegging and so thinks we should both be able to afford/not afford the same things, but that’s not real life, and all the little differences add up over time. Maybe it is a sort of jealousy or resentment - I hope not as that doesn’t shed a very good light on a very long standing friend.

I'd just say "we saved up for it" every time.