What are the duties of a sahm?

[wherearetheturrets]

What do you think the role of a sahm is? Should sahms be completely responsible for all
household tasks (cooking, cleaning, organisation, financial management, meal planning, shopping, errands and appointments)? What is a fair division of household labour when one person works full time and the other is a sahp? And do you think what’s fair depends on children’s ages?

😂

I was a SAHM for 3 years when our children were babies/toddlers. I did childcare during the day obviously and cooked the evening meal and just slotted laundry, shopping and housework into my day. If DH was home in time for bed he would help with bath/bedtime but if working late I did that too. It was tough and we were short of money having lost my wage so Saturdays I worked and DH did childcare/evening meal. I went back to pt work when my youngest was 2. Then housework was split more evenly. I still ended up doing the bulk though.

If the kids were older and at school I would definitely think a SAHM should do almost everything. Housework, cooking, cleaning and school pick ups and drop offs with weekends split between both doing an equal share. I honestly cannot imagine being a SAHM when my kids were in school though.

In your situation when you have two young DC not yet in ft school and your husband only works 6 days a fortnight asking for help with meal planning doesn’t seem too onerous for your DH. I would be worried if his attitude was you do everything as a SAHM when he is only working 3 days a week albeit long days. Thinking up meal ideas given he likes food shopping is certainly not a massive ask.

Im a SAHM, i do literally everything in the week as DH is out of the house for 15 or so hours . My DC are at school (although one has SEN so I spend a lot of school hours time doing stuff with/for him).

At the weekend we split the ferrying of kids but I will do 90% of the housework still.

I get gousto boxes which is great as I tend to make stir dry and spaghetti bol on repeat if left to it.

All those people saying the DH only works 6 days a fortnight, he’s actually doing 13-14 hour shifts on those working days which equates to approx 40 hours per week. Easily equivalent to full time work.
However, I think as a SAHP most of the household tasks should fall to you with some sharing at weekends.

This is a good plan!
Alternatively, I know people say AI is good for meal planning (taking account of preferences/ allergies etc) and then turning it into a shopping list.

Don’t know why I didn’t think of this considering I’m retired myself! I guess you are a lot younger than me though if you have younger children .

I think this is a man woman thing. DH and I both work but and he can run the house by himself if he bas to eg if I am away. Otherwise he switches off from tbings completely but will do most things when asked after much prompting.
aftet many years if arguing I decided to keep peace. He does earn the majority of income. Whatever neither of us gets round to doing, I outsource.

I am crap at meal planning and he is better and we cook almost 50:50

I'm 54 (I had the children quite late, almost 40 for the youngest)

As an aside, thank you for suggestions to do online shopping. We typically shop at Aldi as it’s so much cheaper, and they don’t deliver. So if I used one of the shops that does, our food shop would probably go up quite a bit and we can’t really afford that unfortunately. But I may do a dummy one just to see how it compares in case it’s not as much as I think it will be, as that would be really helpful if I could just get it delivered!

From my perspective, the default position is that each person is responsible for 50% of everything - so 50% of income generation, 50% of housework, 50% of childcare, 50% of mental load etc. Any departure from that default needs to be by mutual agreement - so basically, there is no right or wrong way of splitting it, it's just about finding a balance that both partners feel is fair. And if they can't agree, they should go back to the default of sharing everything equally.

As the main earner in our relationship, I never wanted or needed my DH to be a SAHP, so I wouldn't ever have been happy to support him becoming one unless he had been willing to take on 100% of the housework, cooking etc - this would have meant that I could prioritise my non-working time to spend with dc. I understand that such a split might seem unfair to some SAHPs, and that's fair enough - I'm simply saying that's the only way that it would have worked for me, and I wouldn't personally have been happy to carry the burden of being the sole breadwinner on top of being expected to do a significant amount of housework. Others will feel differently, and that's fine if it works for them.

Great carry on then.

And no it isn’t inflammatory just because you don’t agree. You asked for opinions - you got one you didn’t like and your response was to clap back and point.

I still agree with your husband.

I asked for opinions and I don’t have a problem with you disagreeing that he should help as that is your opinion. I have a problem with you saying that I think something I don’t think, haven’t said I think, and haven’t in any way implied I think.

Great then you should have no problem as I haven’t done any of those things.

I think if you are doing online shopping, it gives you the opportunity to look at the price of your basket and to make some substitutions for cheaper ingredients if you need to. Whereas shopping in person, especially if you have young DC with you,
it can be a case of throw it in the trolley, and then shock at the till later.

For young children, you ate saving childcare fees so its not as straightforward as not contributing financially. (In fact when mine were small, the saving was bigger than the potential income).

Will also prob. depend on the working hours of the other. For years when dds were small and we were abroad, dh worked v long hours in a very demanding job, plus had only one day off a week.

Consequently I didn’t expect him to help with anything domestic. Even when a bit later I was working, I still didn’t, since it was mornings only and I had 2 days off a week.

Yes, but that depends on how much you earn and how much your childcare costs, as well as the long term impact on earning potential which might arise from a gap in employment. For many people, having a SAHP is still a net cost.

I'm not saying that SAHPs aren't contributing in any way, and of course, it's a different equation if you have high childcare costs and the SAHP has low earning potential.

I'm just saying that, as the main breadwinner, I would not personally have agreed to an arrangement where my spouse was a SAHP and didn't take on responsibility for all of the housework. It just wouldn't have been worth it from my perspective, and I would have resented the perception that he wasn't pulling his weight.

I'm not saying that others shouldn't organise their lives differently. As long as both partners are happy, I think any arrangement is fine, but the OP asked for opinions and I have given mine.

I think that although he is working long shifts, unless they are nights and he needs to recallibrate/ sleep on days off, then he should be involved in daily schedule for kids when he is on a day off. On his long days at work, you have a long day at home too as the little ones will be asleep by the time he is home.
I had 3 pre- schoolers for a year and the youngest was unwell with periods in hospital. I did not achieve much during that first year. DH ate main meal at work and came home to a sandwich or leftovers from what I and the kids ate. The housework was essentials only but that did not bother either of us. I encouraged the kids to play/ entertain themselves/ each other and I did jobs around them when I could. I had a big kitchen drawer full of storage containers and safe utensils and they would have fun with this whilst I was doing kitchen jobs. I lived in a village and DH took car to station daily so life was quite simple as I could only do local stuff.
Over the years we worked condensed hours/ part time hours etc to get through whatever stage we were at. When DH was made redundant, I went full time at work and he did all the shopping/ cooking and school drop offs and pick ups etc. We ended up eventually both being full time so have between us done every combination, but looking after more than one pre schooler is pretty full on and he should help on his days off.

To care for the child/ren during the hours the other parent is working and share the care the rest of the time. To engage in wider household support to the extent his/her health allows and the needs of the children allow.

Realistically though you are unlikely to be able to do all the housework with a baby and some toddlers in the mix - unless they are unusually compliant. You wouldn’t expect a nanny or a nursery worker to clean the house and care for the children. We need to be realistic. If you have all the kids in school, then that’s different.

Fair enough, so in that scenario, we would have agreed not not have a SAHP and to organise our lives differently.