AuDHD DD14 - untidy room and behind with schoolwork. How to talk to her without a meltdown?

[RoundWeGoAgainAndAgain]

I've had some really great advice on MN about low demand parenting for my daughter. She's very sensitive (RSD) and demand avoidant. I make sure that I am not constantly asking her do something but just having a nice chat. The result of the change in my parenting has been that she is now much happier at home.

My husband or I, whoever is WFH, has a substantial snack ready for her when she gets home from school (we can see she's not eating anything at lunchtime) and she's given an hour to watch 'her programmes' uninterrupted.

She can then have some more device time once she's done her homework. Except the reward isn't working... she's not doing her homework and seems to accept she won't get more device time.

Her room hasn't been tidied since June and she's broken her laptop and calculator as she couldn't see them on the floor.

The slightest comment from me about tidying her room or doing her homework leads to a tantrum. I am absolutely not nagging her about her room but it's causing problems for her - there is no room on her desk for her to do her homework, she can't find things, laundry isn't being done on time for school, she can't invite friends in.

I don't want to take away her hour of tv time when she gets in as I want her to get home and know that she has something she enjoys, and needs, to look forward to. But she can't start her homework as her desk is so messy, so she has to tidy her desk first then she gets distracted by something so doesn't finish her desk so doesn't start her homework.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can have a conversation with her about it that doesn't lead to great upset?

With my ND children, one thing ive found really helpful is taking the choice out but giving them control.

Take out any waffle and stick to simple phrases, "DD your room needs tidying because it is unhygienic" this gives a fact, and it cant be misunderstood. Then choice "would you like to do it? Would you like me to help? Or would you like me to do it for you?" And more importantly give time for her to think.

Im a big fan of non-accidental earwigging/overhearing. And really helps my RSD DD. In this situation if I was to tell her that I didn't think badly of her for having a messy room. It would either be ignored or she would think I was lying. But if I dont say it then she will perceive it as criticism that i havent said so. However if I say it to someone else with DD "accidentally" eavesdropping then it seems to be heard more. "DH i would really like DD to let me help her with her bedroom, I dont mind it being messy and I dont think badly of her, I just think it would be nice to have a fresher bedroom" or similar, youll know what your DD will respond to better. When my DD confidence was really low I had many of these conversations about the awesome things she's good at. It seems to be believed more this way. Obviously I say this to her too, but theres times where an overheard conversation works better.

DD is happy to let me tidy her room but we have an agreement that she needs to bring plates etc out. Just out her room. I dont mind if she puts them in my room or the bathroom. She does this when she knows I wont be looking so there isnt any perceived judgement or criticism.

Another thing may be that she likes her things visable. If this is the case you could maybe take doors off wardrobes. Get a cube storage unit etc.

Its so difficult to constantly trying to find the balance.

With both my kids, if theres an issue my aim isnt to solve it as I often cant. My aim is to just try and make it better. Better, not perfect.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who's posted, I've been rereading the comments and they are all so useful, there is a lot there that I can adapt and use.

We've not had a great evening. It started well, she got home from school, had a relax for 40 mins with some food and the tv and started her homework herself before I asked her to. I told her I was going round the house picking up rubbish after dinner. Something upset her at dinner time resulting in her throwing herself to the floor and screaming for ten minutes so I knew turning up at her bedroom door with a bin bag was not a good idea. She's been on edge ever since then and still trying to finish homework so it's not the right time to add more stress to her evening.

She's asked if a friend (also ND) can come round to study tomorrow and I asked where they would sit and she thinks kitchen or go to the library. She does actually study when she meets with her friends so that doesn't worry me although I feel quite sad for her that she knows her room isn't socially acceptable. She's made me promise that I won't tidy her room.

Someone upthread asked if her things make her feel safe and I think the answer is yes. She doesn't throw anything away she's outgrown, clothes, teddies, shoes, toys. It's all still in her room. I've suggested popping it into some storage boxes and storing it in the loft but she won't let it go. She also has random collections - receipts, feathers, crystals, she cuts her own hair and keeps it in a bag.

I'm going to have to bite the bullet this weekend and get on top of this. The difficulty is that she is up at 6am in the week (won't let us drive her to school so she could sleep until 6.45, as it upsets her routine) and so I want to be very low demand at weekends - she's tired, doesn't want to interact much etc.

I cleaned out my daughter's room once when she went on a school residential trip- took me the entire week. I knew she would go berserk so I got my husband to pick her up and take her to a cafe to tell her, while I went out with my other daughter.

Well, to say she reacted badly is an understatement. She went berserk and trashed everything in her fury.

Anyway, i still think it was the right thing to do. She wouldnt let me in or tidy it herself. Sometimes it has to be done.

She’s up and she’s in tears, screaming at me to leave her alone. I don’t think she has finished her homework, was still trying to do it at 11pm. She’s obviously not getting enough sleep, I don’t know what time she actually went to sleep, devices were taken from her room though.

i think I need to get back onto the doctor about medication and also speak to the SEN teacher today.

@RoundWeGoAgainAndAgain sorry to hear things were very difficult.
14 is a very difficult age in terms of hormones, pressure at school, working out friendship groups plus starting to grow up generally. And of course you have your dd’s ND on top of all this.
please try and make time for yourself if at all possible, if you’re negotiating with her at 11pm and up at 6ish that’s got to be impacting on your sleep/rest as well.

I've not read the whole thread but in my experience rewards / punishment don't work - they know what to do but part of their thought process is to resist it - whether it's RSD I don't know ?
Id allow the studying - and use your dining room / wherever suits - eventually the desire to use their room will hopefully enable them to be tidier - but I'd really manage your expectations and try to find out what the blockers are - sitting aide by side and letting her find th way to explain without you appearing to judge (good luck very tricky) - but you can enable, maybe some cute storage boxes / display space for her treasures - rather than a bin bag might be useful - good luxk

My audhd son finds tidying a room overwhelming and not do it. Its a huge goal to have everything tidy at once. Plus he has to see his stuff or it ceases to exist.

Ive accepted tidy everythinv never occurs. I also have open storage, boxes etc so he can see everything.

But he can do a specific task like 'put all the dirty clothrs in a basket as I am putting washing on'. He wouldn't like a rota or a set time for this, he'd prefer this to be spontaneous.

Or its time to hoover, pick everything up and put it on the bed so we can whizz round.

We also will just pop our head in and say something like ' any breakables on the floor?

He doesnt do homework as his schoodinont give any, so no advice there, other than i think task initiation is hard.

I had to just do it myself. My DD can keep on top of it - if I say she has to do 10 minutes, but getting on top of it was never going to happen. Overwhelm is real.

Can I ask how people realised their DC were AuADHD. Mine is diagnosed adhd but think now AuADHD