Have name changed for this, because it’s not a popular view, and for obvious reasons, it’s a difficult thing to say after so many years of ardently believing the opposite- I don’t even say it to my family. Apologies for the length of this post.
I went to Oxford from a state school in a very deprived part of the country. My comp was so bad that a number of kids, I would say, didn’t receive much of an education at all - the SEN kids, in particular, often watched videos all day and were sometimes (literally) sent to Tesco to do the teachers’ shopping. DH went to Cambridge from a similarly deprived part of the country. I got to Oxford and bristled at what I perceived as the unfairness of it. How could these people have this confidence? I raged inside at how unreasonable the system was. If I’m being absolutely honest with myself, I internally rolled my eyes at new people I met if they came from a privileged background, although I wouldn’t have admitted it out loud. In the opinion of some PPs, I should have been “more intelligent” than them. I was not. I am not. I was just good at passing exams and I was a bit of a slogger. My career has been pretty mediocre, although DH has been successful in his.
Both of my DDs are now at an independent school - partly because they both have SEN and I wouldn’t want them to go through the same things I’ve mentioned above. They are both significantly more intelligent than I am. The decision which I (not they) made when they were little because of the poor state of local SEN provision does not automatically make them stupid or change the IQ which they had the day before I made that decision.
I would however say that they are having a very different childhood to mine - primarily because they are absolutely working their backsides off, every single minute of every single day. They are often doing homework until 9pm, even in the holidays. I don’t necessarily agree with this and we are reconsidering whether this is what we want for them, but I am just pointing out that that is what lots of these private school kids will have been doing every single evening while I was out riding my bike and watching TV. I find this absolutely shocking, having lived such a different life. It doesn’t feel like the childhood I envisaged for them.
With the benefit of an adult perspective, I now look back at the private school kids with whom I was at Oxford. Was I more intelligent than they were? I don’t know. Possibly. Possibly not. Did they deserve the place as much as I did? Well, they had certainly spent probably twice as many hours as I had working towards it - and I thought I’d been working hard. I don’t know whether that should count for anything, but I also don’t think it is quite as simple as them having been spoon fed, or having an easy ride. Lots of them won’t have been out climbing trees or playing video games like the rest of us - whatever we think of the rights and wrongs of that.
In terms of raw, basic intelligence, I would also say that the school gate parent cohort at my daughters’ school is not a representative cross-section of society. It is certainly about as far as it’s possible to get from the parent cohort at my own primary school. I’m an Oxford-educated lawyer and I think I am possibly the least educated parent in my daughter’s class. The majority of other parents have PhDs. This may sound unlikely- I would once have rolled my eyes at the claim - but I promise you it’s true. (To be fair, lots of them are doctors and obviously lots of doctors do an extra PhD along the way - I don’t want to be misleading.) I’m just making the point that if genetics and maternal education levels have an influence on what we commonly call “intelligence”, the kids in this class did absolutely get a unreasonable head start in the lottery of life. I completely agree that that’s not fair - and I suspect that that would be the same at the school gate of lots of grammar schools or selective state schools or state schools in expensive leafy areas near teaching hospitals and universities, all across the country. It’s not fair at all - but it’s not really about school unfairness. To be brutally honest, that unfairness was baked in before they ever started school.
It’s not reasonable to assume that these kids are stupid and should never amount to anything and should never be allowed to have a university place because of a decision which somebody else made when they were 4 years old, over which they had no control at all. They’re just kids.