Talk to your children and teens and tell them you love them

[opalsandcoffee]

I am sad for the number of stories I hear of teens being "typical teenagers" moody, withdrawn, hostile, etc.

I don't think this is typical teenager at all, but I do think a lot of parent child relationships break down badly in teen years and the seeds for that are sown many years earlier.

Some examples recently - asking a mum how often she tells her 16 year old that she love him - not in the last 10 years she says - ie not since before he was 6! So she says she can't start now, it would be weird. But it need not have been weird if he had grown up with it being normal.

Arguing about who gets teens over Easter and who gets the weekend "off" - why are parents saying this? Children hear and know - why not argue about who gets the privilege of weekend with the children?

Horrible things said, like menace to society, and waste of space, etc.

Please have conversations with your teens every day and tell them you love them. Please start when they are tiny and it will often just carry on naturally

[LipstickLil]

I don't know anyone who talks like that and tbh I can't imagine being friends with anyone who does!

[hollyandivyknickers]

I do this ! I also demand ‘hugs for mums’. The teenage brain is rewiring itself you have to strengthen the neural pathways for affection, esp for boys.

no rows here at all, maybe cos we are too easy going, maybe co everything is going well? I can’t tell. DS1 is 16 and on course to get 3 Cs at a levels. But doing math, sci, econ. I wish he worked harder and had a Saturday job but he doesn’t. We could row about that but what would be the point ? Then we would just have a shit relationship, instead of an an ok one.
but maybe I am letting myself off the hook and should push him more.

Can you tell I think about this a lot !!!!!!

[trackertoo]

You don’t have any teens do you Op?

or indeed any children?

[opalsandcoffee]

@trackertoo

You don’t have any teens do you Op?

or indeed any children?

yes, I have raised many, my own, and foster, and educated thousands!

[zaxxon]

Mine would die of cringe if I started saying stuff like that.

I think there are other, more subtle ways of making them feel loved, which are just as good.

[opalsandcoffee]

@zaxxon

Mine would die of cringe if I started saying stuff like that.

I think there are other, more subtle ways of making them feel loved, which are just as good.

but this is my point, why START to say that as teens - why not just say that to them throughout their life?

[CornedBeef451]

I have DD15 and DS12. I do tell them I love them and hug them every day. We have lovely chats, make fun of each other (nicely) and actually have fun together.

I'm waiting for it to change, I figure at any moment either one could rebel and start mumbling so I'm making the most of it while I can!

[WishingHat]

My sons are 21 and 18, they say they love me every day because we say it to them. They also give hugs both on a morning when they see a parent and a hug goodnight too. We have said we love them all the way through their lives. I don't know why people would stop when children are young or never start.

[Kittybelle123]

I didn't hear it as a teen, nor as a "grown-up". I tell my teens (15 & 17) regularly that I love them. In return I hear it from them, get regular hugs and have very open communication with them both.

There are many subtle ways to let them know, but I know as a teenager I sometimes wondered if my parents did actually love me 😂

[opalsandcoffee]

@LipstickLil

I don't know anyone who talks like that and tbh I can't imagine being friends with anyone who does!

good, I am glad, I have heard all those three things just in the last 2 days

[yummyscummymummy01]

I don't think withdrawn moody teenagers are anybody's fault. I was a nightmare teenager but my parents were there waiting for me when the hormones had blown over.

[opalsandcoffee]

@yummyscummymummy01

I don't think withdrawn moody teenagers are anybody's fault. I was a nightmare teenager but my parents were there waiting for me when the hormones had blown over.

sometimes, but I think that is the minority, rather than the norm. The "typical teenager" is actually a pretty decent person

[Momstermunch]

Perhaps I'm just lucky to be surrounded by loving parents but the idea that telling kids and teens you love them would fix all teen issues seems overly simplistic.

All my friends and family tell their kids (young and old) they love them. They haven't all managed to avoid any issues with their teens.

[mrstambourinewoman]

@zaxxon

Mine would die of cringe if I started saying stuff like that.

I think there are other, more subtle ways of making them feel loved, which are just as good.

Agreed

[Mammma91]

Telling your children you love them although I agree is important, it won’t fix all teenage problems. My mum was hostile, never told me she loved me a day in her life and I’m NC with her now as an adult and mother myself. My dad was the opposite and told me he loved me everyday. I will do many things different to what she did, but telling my children I love them everyday through words and actions is a natural instinct and I won’t stop telling them I love them everyday even when they’re teens and adults. I think your post comes from a good place but teenagers come in many forms and some behaviours may be dependent on their environment as opposed to not feeling or being told they are loved by their parents/caregivers.

[hadwebutworldenoughandtime]

I think where it especially does help with my 12 year old (sometimes acting like a teen already) is to say it once an argument is over. To reassure that we can have disagreements and do and say things that aren't very nice but they are loved all the same.

I also have a 15 yr old who is pretty easy going and if she was an only child I would be patting myself on the back about my excellent parenting skills but it is a lot to do with personality. I was a lot more like my younger child so I can empathise with all the mixed emotions.

[SprainedBum]

I wasn't a moody withdrawn teenager (that was my brothers!) but we grew up in a house devoid of any love, affection or even really any kind of positive regard. I was very academic as a teenager, took several GCSEs a year early and got the highest results in multiple. It was never a case of "oh wow you got 98% in that exam, that's amazing!" it was "why didn't you get 100%?"

I think the saddest thing is, that after her death, so many people at her funeral came up to us and said how she would tell them how proud she was etc. (and named specific things so not just a passing pleasantry), yet she couldn't/wouldn't/didn't ever express thay to us directly.

My kids are told they are loved every single day. It's the last thing I say to them before they go to sleep and the first thing I say to them in the mornings. One of mine is autistic and after a meltdown is always told that i love him. Yesterday my 5 year old son randomly came up to me whilst I was cooking dinner, gave me the biggest hug and told me he loved me and that I was his best friend 😭

[trackertoo]

@opalsandcoffee

yes, I have raised many, my own, and foster, and educated thousands!

well then you will know that, just like with adults, there are some teens that are very very difficult and behave appallingly and their parents are at the end of their tether

[Screamingabdabz]

I agree with you op and it doesn’t have to be cringey - I used to banter with mine and (gently) take the piss to have a laugh, but also tell them how lovely they were as people and how much they meant to me. You don’t need to make a big deal out of it - in fact it’s better if you don’t. It goes a long way to building their self esteem.

I also used to carve out time with them individually and take them for coffee or shopping and just chat. I’d say ‘got any good gossip?’ I wouldn’t push and wouldn’t pry. Just listen to whatever they’d offer to tell me without judgement and let them have the space. Then move on. They knew over time to trust me with their stories which really builds relationship.

I loved my teens and now they’re young adults with lives of their own - we still hang out - go for coffee or cocktails and they still ‘gossip’ with me. And I still banter with them. And they gently take the piss out of me now! It’s fun and lovely.

[ShinyPrettyThings87]

Never had any behaviour issues with my teens. It comes natural to say 'goodnight, love you,' at bedtime to eachother and one always says 'bye, love you,' when going out.
We apologise later when we get arsey with eachother, knowing it's just an in the moment reaction. I often sit and watch my teens playing on the computer, at their request mostly. They'll come sit with me when I'm watching TV and often offer me a cuppa.

They've never been sulky, whining kids. Even as toddlers we could take them anywhere without issue. I don't take it for granted that it's just been my parenting style, I think we've also got lucky with having kids with calm, understanding personalities.

[FisksSpareSuit]

I told DC I loved them multiple times a day throughout their lives, and we hugged every day. DS2 is like me - very openly affectionate and cuddly. DS1 is far more reserved so there's less of all that with him as he prefers it that way. But it's still there, and he still knows how to give a good hug and to express affection.

OP I agree it is good for them to know they are loved, to be shown and told it and for this to be normal, not seen as weak or slushy.

[Thebitefandango]

I remember as a teenager feeling like I wished I was dead. I had zero self esteem and felt like my life had no worth. I even attempted an overdose.

My mother just kept saying that these feelings were normal for teenagers and it was all part of 'teenage angst'. I remember telling her that I wished she would tell me she loved me more and she said that she wasn't that kind of person and wouldn't be changing for me or anyone. My children aren't teenagers yet and I don't know any so I have no frame of reference at all. This was so helpful to know that being miserable and unhappy and hoping you get a terminal illness aren't 'normal', as I was told.

Edited to add that I'm in my 40s now and my mother has shown herself to not be a safe person to turn to in times of trouble. She acts like every problem I ever have has been brought on by myself (eg a problem with a colleague in work wouldn't have happened if I worked somewhere with 'higher recruitment standards', ie a dig a me!) or any issues with my children is always down to my parenting (im either too permissive or too strict, depending on how she feels). Or, any complaints are often met with 'well how would you have liked [insert something bad that she had experienced]?.

I'm trying so hard to be abundant fillers of my children's emotional cups. I tell them I love them every day and don't plan on stopping. One of my proudest moments was I asked my son if he knows I love him. He looked exasperated and said 'Of course I know! How could I not!?' I went on to ask him another question and he finished it by answering 'and yes, you will love me no matter what, even if I end up in jail! I know, I know!'

You can't over fill a kids cup but you certainly can underfil it.

[Chitterchatterchoo]

I agree with saying you love them but also that you can show love in other small ways as well - and it depends a bit on the child.

My youngest is and always has been very physically affectionate - which I reciprocate and often go to hug him.

My eldest is more like me and more naturally reserved. I’d never force a hug on him. I remember my mother forcing hugs on me as a child/teen and how I absolutely hated it.

[OkPedro]

@CornedBeef451

I have DD15 and DS12. I do tell them I love them and hug them every day. We have lovely chats, make fun of each other (nicely) and actually have fun together.

I'm waiting for it to change, I figure at any moment either one could rebel and start mumbling so I'm making the most of it while I can!

My DD is 15 and my ds is 12 ☺️ I enjoy spending time with them (mostly!) I am making a point of keeping the daily hugs and I love yous until they ask me to stop

[Commonsenseisnotsocommon]

I was told daily during my childhood and enjoyed the feeling of security it offered. Very open with parents about our love for one another. Now with my own baby I don't hesitate to tell him and don't believe in the nonesense about 'spoiling' a child with love and affection. Life becomes very bearable when you know home and parents are a place of love and kindness.