How do you manage unequal finances in a newish/casual relationship?

[Bakerfoot]

I'm fairly comfortably off. Have had a decent job all my life and been prudent with money, but one of the main factors in my comfortable financial situation is that I married young and stayed married until DH died in middle age. I have a good job and support myself day to day, but my stable life was created during my marriage iyswim.

I'm seeing a man who has had much the same life as me, except that his marriage broke down after exactly the same number of years as I was married, so he's now divorced and having to start again after splitting the assets with his ex.

I don't feel lucky, DH died after all, but I can see that my circumstances could be very different.

Anyway, man is solvent, has set up in his own home, has enough to live comfortably. However, I'm in a position that when friends suggest a big night out or a weekend away, I don't really have to think about it. He does and will turn things down if they're too expensive.

I usually go without him, but I'd like him to come. I'm not inclined to get in a position where I'm supporting him and I suspect he'd hate it/decline it anyway.

I'll never live with a man or combine finances again. We're exclusive, but fairly casual, I do like him a lot.

What is the answer to mismatched finances like this? Is there one? Can the relationship survive longer term?

Yes, adults

Mine live at home, but they're working full time. His are long gone, probably empty nest that was the catalyst for the end of the marriage.

He does and will turn things down if they're too expensive.

What does he say?

I'd just offer to pay for him now and again if I wanted him to come, but I wouldn't want to be doing it too regularly.

I was the other way around. I earnt 25k when I met DH and had just bought my own house, I was solvent but needed to be frugal. DH earnt £115k and was very comfortable. We sort of met in the middle - I never suggested a date i couldn’t afford and if he suggested it I let him pay.

He didn’t realise quite how big a disparity there was when we met - I have a professional job but wasn’t quite qualified.

It worked ok for us. There was a bit of a barrier when he asked if we could move in together and go 50:50. I said the only way I could do that was if he lived in my house (a modest 2 bed) as his house cost more than twice mine did to run. He just let me pay what I could afford and I rented mine out. He was still better off.

Just that it's too expensive for him.

I think it's a shame to let money limit an otherwise promising relationship like this. It does seem reasonable for the OP to pay for both of them some of the time, perhaps balanced out with less expensive activities, where he pays.

After all, if the OP was male and the financially comfortable one who was dating a woman who was less well off the consensus on here would be that he should pay for more of their more expensive dates, especially when it's him that wants to go to the events.

@Bjorkdidit exactly. MN is biased.

Your OP is all over the place. 'Casual, but exclusive''? How contradictory.

Also, you paying for him to come isn't 'supporting' him. You're the want who wants him there, so you're paying for the privilege really. There's nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, it's not like you're paying all his bills, for all holidays, etc.

Ultimately the survival of the relationship is a decision for you to make. If you want a partner with enough money to accompany you on all of these things, but he's too poor for that. Then you'll just have to dump him and find someone else.

BTW if he 'can' pay but chooses not to, then your values just aren't aligned. But you said he doesn't like being supported. Personally I have great respect for someone who pays their own way and is financially savvy enough to stick to a budget instead of trying to show off or go into debt for things they can't afford. I'm guessing though, it might be a bit embarrassing for you when you go on all these holidays, to have everyone else's other halves there. But then again... your relationship is 'casual'... so why bother so much about this?

Do you just want someone to go out and have fun with?

Casual in that neither of us is expecting it to lead to marriage or living together and we still have our own lives, see each other a 2-3 times a week.

I'd be happy to pay for him sometimes, he wouldn't and prefers not to come.

I don't think so, they're his friends too and he comes on all the affordable things.

Your OP said you don't want to support him, and you're inclined to think that he'd hate it.
Now, you say you'd be happy to pay, and that he actually isn't happy to accept.
So have you actually offered to pay, or not?

Do you enjoy cheaper things with him, if you do carry on like that and treat him to the odd expensive thing.?

You can do more expensive things with friends, family or on your own.

He doesn't like letting me buy him breakfast, which I'm happy to do for pretty much anyone.

Yes I enjoy doing all the ordinary things with him, but I like a weekend in NYC too 🤣

and a “big night out”. not many middle aged men i know like “big nights out”!

Lots of middle aged men I know like going to the theatre, concerts, nice meals etc.

Is it? We met as friends.

Yes, quite, a fancy restaurant, a show or concert.