I'm fairly comfortably off. Have had a decent job all my life and been prudent with money, but one of the main factors in my comfortable financial situation is that I married young and stayed married until DH died in middle age. I have a good job and support myself day to day, but my stable life was created during my marriage iyswim.
I'm seeing a man who has had much the same life as me, except that his marriage broke down after exactly the same number of years as I was married, so he's now divorced and having to start again after splitting the assets with his ex.
I don't feel lucky, DH died after all, but I can see that my circumstances could be very different.
Anyway, man is solvent, has set up in his own home, has enough to live comfortably. However, I'm in a position that when friends suggest a big night out or a weekend away, I don't really have to think about it. He does and will turn things down if they're too expensive.
I usually go without him, but I'd like him to come. I'm not inclined to get in a position where I'm supporting him and I suspect he'd hate it/decline it anyway.
I'll never live with a man or combine finances again. We're exclusive, but fairly casual, I do like him a lot.
What is the answer to mismatched finances like this? Is there one? Can the relationship survive longer term?
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How do you manage unequal finances in a newish/casual relationship?
Bakerfoot · 28/03/2024 15:31
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ItsNotAPoolBasedHoliday · 28/03/2024 15:37
He does and will turn things down if they're too expensive.
What does he say?
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babytakemehome · 28/03/2024 15:42
@Bjorkdidit exactly. MN is biased.
Your OP is all over the place. 'Casual, but exclusive''? How contradictory.
Also, you paying for him to come isn't 'supporting' him. You're the want who wants him there, so you're paying for the privilege really. There's nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, it's not like you're paying all his bills, for all holidays, etc.
Ultimately the survival of the relationship is a decision for you to make. If you want a partner with enough money to accompany you on all of these things, but he's too poor for that. Then you'll just have to dump him and find someone else.
BTW if he 'can' pay but chooses not to, then your values just aren't aligned. But you said he doesn't like being supported. Personally I have great respect for someone who pays their own way and is financially savvy enough to stick to a budget instead of trying to show off or go into debt for things they can't afford. I'm guessing though, it might be a bit embarrassing for you when you go on all these holidays, to have everyone else's other halves there. But then again... your relationship is 'casual'... so why bother so much about this?
Do you just want someone to go out and have fun with?
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Bakerfoot · 28/03/2024 15:45
Casual in that neither of us is expecting it to lead to marriage or living together and we still have our own lives, see each other a 2-3 times a week.
I'd be happy to pay for him sometimes, he wouldn't and prefers not to come.
babytakemehome · 28/03/2024 15:42
@Bjorkdidit exactly. MN is biased.
Your OP is all over the place. 'Casual, but exclusive''? How contradictory.
Also, you paying for him to come isn't 'supporting' him. You're the want who wants him there, so you're paying for the privilege really. There's nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, it's not like you're paying all his bills, for all holidays, etc.
Ultimately the survival of the relationship is a decision for you to make. If you want a partner with enough money to accompany you on all of these things, but he's too poor for that. Then you'll just have to dump him and find someone else.
BTW if he 'can' pay but chooses not to, then your values just aren't aligned. But you said he doesn't like being supported. Personally I have great respect for someone who pays their own way and is financially savvy enough to stick to a budget instead of trying to show off or go into debt for things they can't afford. I'm guessing though, it might be a bit embarrassing for you when you go on all these holidays, to have everyone else's other halves there. But then again... your relationship is 'casual'... so why bother so much about this?
Do you just want someone to go out and have fun with?
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babytakemehome · 28/03/2024 15:47
Your OP said you don't want to support him, and you're inclined to think that he'd hate it.
Now, you say you'd be happy to pay, and that he actually isn't happy to accept.
So have you actually offered to pay, or not?
Bakerfoot · 28/03/2024 15:45
Casual in that neither of us is expecting it to lead to marriage or living together and we still have our own lives, see each other a 2-3 times a week.
I'd be happy to pay for him sometimes, he wouldn't and prefers not to come.
babytakemehome · 28/03/2024 15:42
@Bjorkdidit exactly. MN is biased.
Your OP is all over the place. 'Casual, but exclusive''? How contradictory.
Also, you paying for him to come isn't 'supporting' him. You're the want who wants him there, so you're paying for the privilege really. There's nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, it's not like you're paying all his bills, for all holidays, etc.
Ultimately the survival of the relationship is a decision for you to make. If you want a partner with enough money to accompany you on all of these things, but he's too poor for that. Then you'll just have to dump him and find someone else.
BTW if he 'can' pay but chooses not to, then your values just aren't aligned. But you said he doesn't like being supported. Personally I have great respect for someone who pays their own way and is financially savvy enough to stick to a budget instead of trying to show off or go into debt for things they can't afford. I'm guessing though, it might be a bit embarrassing for you when you go on all these holidays, to have everyone else's other halves there. But then again... your relationship is 'casual'... so why bother so much about this?
Do you just want someone to go out and have fun with?
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EasterBunnny · 28/03/2024 15:50
and a “big night out”. not many middle aged men i know like “big nights out”!
Lots of middle aged men I know like going to the theatre, concerts, nice meals etc.
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