Did boomers get it right?

[GreyGoosehound]

I’ve lurked on several recent posts about deteriorating behaviour in schools, with increasing violence and 4 and 5 year olds who don’t have basic skills.

I’ve also seen threads and SM posts about boomers, mainly negative. But it’s also acknowledged that GenX are quite a hardy, resilient bunch.

I am generation X, and have brought up my genZ children differently to how I was raised. I was more present in their lives, made huge efforts to meet their needs in a way that my parents didn’t, as did many other parents in my age group.

You don’t need to look hard to find criticism of Millenials and GenZ, and GenAlpha (2012+) are commonly discussed as nightmare fodder.

Did the benign neglect and distanced parenting of boomers work better for growing children? Did the freedom that GenX had make a huge difference in their development?

I know there are global issues that contribute - the internet must have made a huge difference to both parenting and in child development, financially GenX had an easier time of becoming independent from parents, all this will have an effect.

I wonder if this is just a blip in human development, or how genZ and future generations will parent their children in response to how they were parented.
Thought this would make an interesting discussion.

I’m Gen X and my parents are slightly older (Silent Generation, or whatever they’re called). My fairly hands-off upbringing has made me fiercely independent, perhaps too much so. I’m amazed at how much my friends’ kids are indulged nowadays in comparison to my upbringing. Family life now seems geared towards pleasing the kids at every turn.

My upbringing was about pleasing my mum and dad and I was dragged along for the ride. Not saying either is bad, just so incredibly different. Young people now seem much more unhappy than when I was a kid though. I think the internet has a massive amount to blame. Yes, I’m fully aware I sound ancient and should probably be in a rocking chair, whittling wood on a porch somewhere.

There is a huge variation in parenting these days and it's the permissive spoiling not the support and love that is causing issues

Yes, it's the permissive spoiling,lack of discipline..I watch mother's with prams, pushchairs,go past my house daily. Woman on the phone,kid with a dummy. In the 70s 80s,kids weren't allowed to go to nursery without being toilet trained..

I’m same generation as you. Hands off parenting and us not having so much ‘stuff’ meant we occupied ourselves with imaginative play etc. Today it’s not the hands-on parenting that’s the problem, it’s the parents that leave their kids to get on with their own thing but that is screens, video games. No positive engagement at all. A lot of parents can’t be arsed with their kids.

I'm technically a Xennial (yes, I know MN hates that term!), but also the youngest of my familial generation, so all my siblings and cousins are Gen X.

I jokingly describe my childhood as one of 'happy benign neglect' (with the exception of educational matters, which were considered of EXTREME IMPORTANCE in our family).

I think this contributed to my independent spirit and the fact I have great relationships with my cousins and siblings, because we were left to get on with it and work things out for ourselves for the most part.

I do look at the children of my peers and think their lives seem a bit micro-managed by comparison.

Absolutely.

Parents today are raising a generation of entitled, delusional, adult babies.

They took everything they found difficult, stressful or boring as a child and were determined that their own children would never be subjected to it. They didn't understand that going through those things is what made their parents generation emotionally stronger and more resilient.

The biggest barrier to progress is comfort. Because those children have never been uncomfortable, they have no idea how to deal with uncomfortable situations.

I’m technically a boomer and the thing that strikes me about dc born in the last 20 years is how their parents seem terrified of upsetting them.
I frequently told my dc that life is tough and the sooner they realise that the better they’ll cope.

I also think that the internet has a big impact on teens. They are easily influenced and prefer to believe shite pedalled online rather than their parents.

I thought that children of left wing, liberal parents, particularly girls, were the most unhappy?
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666560321000438#sec3
https://ifstudies.org/ifs-admin/resources/briefs/ifs-gallup-parentingteenmentalhealthnov2023.pdf

I don't know enough about the IFS to verify whether it is independent, but the other sponsor of that study is Gallup, which is reasonably reputable.

I'm Gen X and my Mum is silent generation, Dad is boomer gen.

My DD was born 2011. Yes, my parenting has been a slightly different style to my parents (they were borderline neglectful, and I swore I'd never do that to my kids) I struggled with bullying at school and they just let me deal with it, they never once even considered ringing the school about it. I was just left to 'sink or swim' / hit them back yada yada. I didn't get any help with my homework, and I kept my problems to myself.

My Dad was brought up pretty much feral. He did well for himself all things considered, but he was never home. Always out catching rabbits etc. That generation were often hit or belted. The cane and the strap were used at school (they were when I was at school too - one of the teachers would whack the lads with a cricket bat!) Kids were to be 'seen and not heard'. Many kids were scared of their parents.

I don't think any generation is perfect. I think outside influences play a part too. The world is a different place. Technology is inescapable. Its a multitude of factors.

Honestly, I think nothing has changed in thousands of years. There is good and bad parenting and good and bad young people in all generations. There is a tendency to look back to a golden age that didn't really exist.

https://historyhustle.com/2500-years-of-people-complaining-about-the-younger-generation/

These quotes make me reassured that everyone is just doing their best. It will all work out and in two thousand years people will still be blaming each other for a perception that things are getting worse and it wasn't like this in the old days, when it blatantly was!

Yes and no. I am Gen X. My parents were pretty decent. However they didn't have the challenges I have.

My dd had mental health issues as a teenager and this is definitely a problem.
If I went down the “life is tough, find ways to cope” she would have SM friends suggesting i didn’t love her or I’d support her unconditionally, or CAMHS workers being supportive in a way that placed her firmly as a victim. As an adult this is now improving, but parenting against the grain can be difficult.

There a book out about this at the moment - Bad Therapy by Abigail Shrier.

However, you have to remember that Gen X were also extremely criticised when they were younger. They were called nihilistic (rave generation) disaffected and unambitious (McJobs). It’s only in later adulthood that they’ve become appreciated.

I struggled with bullying at school and they just let me deal with it, they never once even considered ringing the school about it. I was just left to 'sink or swim' / hit them back yada yada. I didn't get any help with my homework, and I kept my problems to myself.

Exactly the same here! I chose to raise my children differently, but I’m wondering if it has actually helped them or not!

There a book out about this at the moment - Bad Therapy by Abigail Shrier.

I'll look that up, it sounds interesting.

Your description of kids today doesn't ring true to my own experience. I have 6 & 11 year olds. Definitely no violence, no real behavioural issues in their schools. They are both perfectly polite competent children, as are all their friends. Even my 11 year old spend most of her time running around outside playing, building forts with her friends, riding bikes, climbing trees. Now granted, that's probably because of the sort of parents dh and I are - which is involved and present with high expectations for good behaviour. We don't allow our dc phones or constant gaming (actually have 2 gaming consoles, but hardly anyone ever uses them, maybe just a rainy day with friends over, but that's rare). I don't think it's anything to do with our generation though.

That said, we both had boomer parents who had quite a lot of dysfunction - alcoholism, codependency, toxic abusive relationships, poor boundaries, lax and not very present alternating with overindulgent parenting approaches. Again, it's not because of their generation. It's because they were just pretty messed up. But maybe that's why we're the kind of parents we are.

No one is a product of history though. It's a conscious choice to be a shit parent.

My mum is boomer and I call myself a zillenial but others call me gen-z. My mum got a lot right but there was no space for my emotional welfare growing up which was tough

@mindutopia slightly holding my breath about how you will fare once they are in secondary school 🫣

I was a bit smug, like you, until things got real at age 14/15

But yes it is an interesting debate OP, and I have been wondering if there maybe is a culture of victim hood that is actually not helpful

My teens have been through some serious mental health shit despite a fairly idyllic stable home environment and supportive parents... 😞

Like the poster up thread said: it is hard to go against the grain of modern parenting... we do not parent in isolation

dc born in the last 20 years is how their parents seem terrified of upsetting them.

This does seem to be a thing - my DC are late teens and many parents round us were like this. I think a lot of it was exhaustion with work and commutes and kids homework they wanted all the time with the kids to be fun times - quality times. Also a lot of their parents - generation above - undermining them as parents - that was surprisingly common.

She blames the poor mental health and levels of unhappiness that young people experience on the sort of therapeutic mindset that centres feelings above all else. In trying to stop out children from ever experiencing unhappiness we’re actually making them more unhappy.

She’s done several podcast interviews that are very interesting to listen to.

Was just going to recommend this book also.

I have been wondering if there maybe is a culture of victim hood that is actually not helpful

I've wonder about this as well - oddly see it more with girls than boys but that could just be social group I see and not a wider trend.

My mum was born in the 50's (can't be arsed with all the stupid boomers and whatever other terms), I was born in the 70's and my ds was born in the 2000's.

I completely disagree with you. I think kids now get a lot less time from their parents because in the majority of cases both parents have to work and then come home exhausted and so put the kids in front the tv and feed then something easy. I think the problem is that kids are getting less and less time, and parents are relying more and more on things to make their life easier - not that parents are giving more and more time to them.

I'm Gen X, my parents are boomers. I don't think I'm parenting particularly differently.

My parents in the 80s and 90s were present and emotionally available. I don't feel I have anything to correct really.

As for children fitting in to the parents' lives more than being catered to I'd say DH and I are probably a bit more old-fashioned there. I never understood the "holidays with children are just same shit, different location" because we don't holiday much differently from pre-children. We stop for snacks more often and spend a bit more time at the pool but the children get taken to the same historic sites/museums/walks round towns we would have done previously and as we were taken. Holidays are absolutely not just about their wants and needs.

I'm GenX and agree that Boomer parents were a bit hands off. But not sure I can say I'm 'present'. I work FT as does DH and DC are used to being ferried around wrap around, holidays clubs etc. I'd say that's made them pretty resilient and hopefully the fierce independence my upbringing created will rub off on them too.