How to survive in a job you hate but have no options

[SarahLdn740]

I am struggling mentally to the point of really not knowing how to cope. My work is horrendous, my boss is a bully who has no idea how to manage a team, but doesn’t stop blaming me for his decisions, being rude to me, interrupting me/ not letting me get a word in, and recently threatening with firing me (for no reason - he just says that “things aren’t working”, but doesn’t say anything constructive and finishes the conversation there). He has on occasion told me how he’s toying with firing a colleague of mine, but doesn’t say anything to her and I don’t know if he’s serious. I am the breadwinner in my family and the levels of anxiety it gives me are enormous, I am bending over backwards to do what he wants but in the end he changes his mind and nothing is right anyway.

I have been sending my CV around for over a year, but my industry is going through a terrible time with people getting made redundant in similar firms. I haven’t had one single interview.

I can’t formally complain about his behaviour because he’s the main decision maker and everyone works for him anyway, it’s a small company.

there is literally nowhere for me to turn. I think he’s under pressure and is making me his scape goat, but it’s so incredibly unfair. He knows I need a job while he has so much money. He threatened me again today, told me how nothing is working (just an hour after making some bad decisions into which he categorically wanted no input) and how “this” isn’t working. I know I’m doing a good job objectively, I’m experienced enough to know this and this is the first time this has happened to me. He has a string of ex employees who all despise him.

ugh. Can anyone relate? What do I do?

What type of work is it?

Just office work in a bank. why? Edit - it’s a small financial institution, I realise that a bank sounds like it would be big!

You are not as stuck as you think. The problem is that the longer you are there, the more your confidence plummet and eventually you will be actually trapped… by your own beliefs.

If you are in England, it might be a good idea to have a good look at the website of the National Careers Service where you can find tests that can help you to identify transferable skills and other opportunities to make a move. You can also find stuff there to help you make your Cv and yourself more attractive to other employers and then make an hour appointment to fine tune your preparations.

One thing to keep in mind is that you need to get out of there before you are too traumatised, otherwise you will take that trauma with you wherever you go. It is much better to leave for a different job or not such a good salary than staying put until the job destroys you and then not being able to work again. It happens, this is like an abusive relationship, you need to find the courage to leave while you have the strength and before they break you 💐

If it's just office work in a bank surely you will be able to find another job quite easily?

Bad bosses generally don't get better.

When you say you’ve sent your CV around for a year, is that specific job applications?
I would look at who the recruitment agencies are in your area. Often there are ones that specialise in financial services recruitment so it worth speaking to them. They will have roles that don’t advertise direct. Be open to different types of roles that could utilise your experience in banking.
The other question is location, are you commuting distance to areas where there are other firms?

Your CV is crap otherwise you'd have got an interview. Get some help with that and you'll be out in no time.

Thank you for your wise response. I didn’t think about it this way and it’s something I need to think about. Thanks so much x

Well - it is. I am pretty old experienced and my level jobs don’t come up often. There’s only so much in terms of pay cut I can take and still afford to support my family/ mortgage.

Thank you, this has been me speaking/ sending CVs to recruiters and they just haven’t had jobs relevant for me. I have nearly 20 years of experience and the only hiring in 2023 was for junior people. And I’m in London!

Having said that - your message gave me me a bit of a kick. I’ll refresh my conversations with them all tomorrow. Surely there is one job out there for me in the whole of London 😱Maybe i need to compromise a bit more.

Then for now do something to make those you support more independent (if they're adults) and less reliant on you. Even if they're children there could be things you can do like pulling them out of private school (if applicable). And do whatever it takes to reduce your mortgage, including moving areas or downsizing. Then you'll be free to consider a wider range of positions and save yourself more quickly from your narcissistic boss, before he destroys you.

Telling you he's considering firing your colleague is to generate fear in you that you could be next. Probably tells the colleague the same about you. He's all about the mind games. He's not going to fire you whilst he needs you to make the decisions and be there to blame. He'll use you up until you're a gibbering wreck who can't function before he discards you as being of no use, to him or anyone else.

Whatever changes you think your family can't cope with, they'll cope with the above even less. Do whatever you have to do, you only have one life.

LinkedIn

You need to make your skills transferable and relatable

If you're low in self promotion pretend you're writing for someone else

Aim for the big banks

If the opportunity to network with other companies in your industry comes up, take it. Build connections, then when they are recruiting, they may well think of you. It’s easy to think of the negatives from an employee perspective but every employer does want to give someone good a job they are recruiting for.

You certainly need to get out. He is a horror and will erode your confidence

I don’t how old you are, but you should speak to some agencies that support older workers - it will be a mindset refresh at the very least - and I suspect that’s a lot of what you need

https://www.workingwise.co.uk/
https://www.renegadegeneration.com/
https://www.hewett-recruitment.co.uk/50-plus-skills?source=google.com
https://wiseage.org.uk/

careershifters is also quite good

I’m really sorry you are going through this - it’s awful. If you focus laser like on a swift exit it may help you tune out Mr Horror Show

What salary are you looking for? Salaries do seem to have dropped in some areas of financial services in London but there are a few larger companies still recruiting, so I’m surprised you can’t find anything unless you’re being paid over what market rate is now (I’m in that trap, but work for a large firm so can at least try to move internally if I want to)

Just remember that with a boss like this, it is not that you hold all the cards, it is better to jump before you are pushed. There is no actual security in a job led by such unprofessional and abusive boss.

What is your wage?

It's really hard to see that there's more options for you out there when you're feeling so low. But sending your CV to recruiters isn't going to get you out of there. You need to really freshen up your CV, think about your transferable skills - if you are working in admin in a financial institution, what about looking at jobs in insurance or mortgages or something like that? Get on all the job sites, and tailor your CVs to the role you're applying for.

Also sit down with your monthly outgoings, and work out exactly what the minimum you could take as a salary would be. It might be a lot less than you think. I think it's worth a back step if it gets you out of a toxic workplace.

I'm going through this exact process myself, but my boss isn't anywhere near as bad as yours but i had fully convinced myself there was no way anyone would employ me. Over the years i have made some quite frankly cursory attempts at finding a new job, and when it didn't happen i said to myself "well I've tried". But i hadn't really. Now i am actually trying, i am getting interviews and callbacks. I'm trying to apply for at least one job a day. Just knowing I'm actually taking positive steps has made my day job a lot easier to put up with. And there's nothing like updating your CV to remind yourself how very good at your job you are!

You'll never find the exact same job but have a look round for similar things. What skills/experience do you have that's transferable? You might be able to side step into another industry.

Bloody hell, you poor soul, that sounds terrible. 😞

I was wondering if there's a sort of grey rock technique that you could use in your head? Because it doesn't sound like he's going to change, he's obviously enjoying behaving as he does so in the meantime it might help - even slightly - if you're able to disengage a little bit.

For now though, here's a wee hug from a random Scottish wifey on the internet 🤗

(Edited for typos)

Agree with a lot of the previous comments.

Get your CV looking great, focus on the transferable skills as you will never find a like for like job but I bet there's loads out there that require people with similar skills. Get linked in.

Most importantly don't give up!! Treat finding another job like a second job, set aside specific time, take interviews even if you are not interested in the role just so you get some practice, google interview questions and learn some answers for generic questions (E.g tell me about yourself).

You can do it!!

I've been there.

Not fun.

Suggestions:

Firstly work on getting out of these. Pp are right, the longer you stay the worse your confidence will be.

Can you get someone else to look at your CV? Reach out again to recruiters. I know you said you are in London - look at remote jobs with overseas financial institutions?

To reduce the pressure on you, maybe look at options to reduce outgoings. This can feel bad, but if you think of it from the perspective of culling the stuff you don't get value from it's not so bad. I had a lot of subscriptions/bills that really weren't good value and could be cut/changed with no of very little impact on my life.

Reducing stress - exercise helps (I used to imagine punching his face on the punch bag). Also long walks, and for me personally cats.

Sorry for your situation.

I’ve been where you are a couple of times. Every time I’ve just left. Never been rude or burnt bridges but I needed to get out in order to sleep at night, I’ve been so stressed. Every time it’s worked out. No one has starved. If you do get a new job, leave a week or two before you start. You need to wind down after such a shit time.

Your job search isn't anywhere near enough to find a job if you do have niche skills and experience. As others have said, get you cv sorted out. Focus on including key buzz words fir your type of role that will be picked up in searches. Just contacting recruitment agencies isn't enough. Look for jobs on the website of the organisations you want to work for and apply directly - many have in house recruitment teams and don't use external agencies unless absolutely necessary. Discreetly your networks to tell people you are looking for a job. Put your your cv up on some the of the search engines, so it can be found by recruiters. Consider temporary contracts like maternity covers. Yes there is some risk attached but it gets you out of current job, and with more to offer as you start applying for other roles. Update Linked In.

To cope with him in the meantime you need to develop a thick skin and a 'zen' approach in your head. Don't let him know you need this job so much, it gives him a sense of power. (I once lied that my husband had received a big 'inheritance' and it was 'so nice we are now so financially secure' - Big smile) Don't let him see you get upset when he's horrible, he gets off on that. Smile, grit your teeth, make bland, non-committal comments. Do non-apologies "I'm sorry you think isn't working/feel that way/are not happy". Be excessively helpful "I'm happy to talk about some other solutions whenever you have the time". It's hard to advise specifically without more examples of what he does but just ignore, ignore, ignore his bad behaviour as water off a ducks back. Keep reminding yourself he's just like this, it's not 'personal' to you.

Also, how long have you worked for him - is it over 2 years? Just remember you have more employment rights at that point, he can't just 'let you go' or you may have a case for unfair dismissal. If he does try and fire you, post on the Work section and get more advice there.

That's an awful thing to say!

OP I doubt it's that, but no harm in reviewing your CV while you're at it. I think it's likely that the job market is booming with applicants at this time of year and it's more in the businesses favour than candidates.

I'm in a similar place to you, have had interviews but get pipped to the post etc. just be patient, focus on the pros of staying if there are any.. and then start to map out what you want your next move to be, what your non negotiables are etc

Can you speak to someone above your manager or in HR about how you're feeling?

So sorry to hear you're in this position. When you're dealing with it day in, day out it really takes a toll.

To add to the advice you've had above about getting out: when I was in this situation I remember reading a blog about it that said to try and get as many "positives" out of the situation as I could, to keep me going until I could leave. I was sceptical as I was so unhappy but I followed their advice to list everything 'good' about the job.

When I started, all I could think of was the salary, which covered what I needed but then I added things like pension contributions, reasonable sick pay. Although there was a toxic atmosphere generally, there were some colleagues I liked and we could buoy each other up a bit. I had some good training opportunities etc etc It did help me get up and go into work on days I really didn't think I could face it and gave me some ideas of making the worst days better- e.g. by making time to chat to one of my friendlier colleagues.

I also tried to be proactive- and a bit selfish- about getting in on opportunities to do projects I enjoyed a bit more and looked good on my CV. When I was stuck with something awful, I would imagine what a good answer it would make to an interview question about managing challenges for my dream job.

I think grey-rock for your boss might also be helpful. Come up with a few standard replies so you're not dragged into his weird rants so much. "I'm sorry to hear you feel things aren't working/ It sounds like a difficult situation/ Shall we schedule a time to talk about how we can manage this differently in the future/ I have a lot on my plate at the moment so let me know if you would like me to take on x and we can look at what other work I can delegate" etc etc

Good luck! It's a rubbish place to be so make sure you're taking time to recharge outside of work, whatever that looks like for you- going out, staying in etc etc Maybe take a couple of random days of annual leave so you have some shorter weeks, if it helps you get through. I found that a real godsend.