I feel awkward about over generous party gifts

[User373433]

My DD7 had a big party yesterday, in a church hall, whole class invited plus more from an activity she does and other friends so not a small expensive activity type party. I don't live in an affluent area, and usually people spend between £5-10 on a gift or £10 cash in a card, a few people giving £5. I wish it was more customary to just stick to a £5 budget for these type of parties personally, as with so many coming at this kind of low cost party children really don't need to be showered in cash and gifts.

Maybe in future if I do a very big party again I will be brave enough to ask people to stick to £5 or less if they want to bring a gift, but I realise that can sound rude too.

My dilemma is two people gave £20 in a card, people my child isn't very close to. One of those is a colleague of mine and I don't think I will say anything but the other is a child from Ukraine and I wonder if the parents are not familiar with party customs here. I'm really just wondering if there is a way for me to say it is way more generous than customary without offending them?

Following with interest. I completely agree with you, but I don't know what the answer is!

I would say they gave what they wanted and you should accept it as a lovely gift. Don't agonise about it or make them feel awkward.

Just be grateful and move on

Some people won’t find £20 overly generous and might feel mean to give £5.

Next time you see them say thank you very much , it was very generous of you . Then maybe in conversation say that usually it it normal for 5 or 10.

I think just saying that 'it was very generous' is enough to say that you didn't expect that much and do appreciate it!

I would say the colleague probably felt more inclined to give more - I always do but never to an amount I'm uncomfortable with.

DD has some Russian and Moldovan friends and at her birthday I was shocked at how generous they were. 2 of them have £30 each. I just took it that they are more generous rather than not understanding the customaary amount.

£20 is totally reasonable for a birthday gift so just accept it and move on. It seems crueller to correct someone's etiquette about having gone over budget. Coming from an immigrant background, it would be mortifying to be told you've done something "wrong" in light of trying to be generous. They would certainly not have given anything that they couldn't afford. It could also be a cultural issue as Eastern Europeans tend to be very generous for celebrations, especially when children are involved.

It seems ruder to micro-manage people's budgets when it comes to a birthday party, so just let it go in future. It seems like you are fixated on money for various reasons which is totally understandable, but you also need to understand that not all families or people budget the same way. The difference between £5-10-20 is totally negligible for a lot of people, even if they live in financially tricky circumstances. So by telling them they can (or must) spend less, it might feel like you're doing them a favour but it will come across as awkward or even borderline offensive.

It also smacks of assuming a family is poor simply because they don't live in an affluent area and therefore you are trying to save money on their behalf. Be aware that this could come across very badly, because you don't actually know how much money they earn and what their budget priorities are. For some people £20 is absolutely normal for a birthday gift and they will be offended if they realise you think they can't afford this.

Around here, people just say that if you want to give a gift, it's a "fiver fever" party, meaning that you put a fiver in a card. It's great. All expectations managed on all sides and kids can get the big gift they really want.

If someone has chosen to give you a 20, there's not much you can do but live with it, I think.

You can just ask for no gifts at all?

If you aren't doing that IMO you are inviting gifts and there's next to no point forming feelings about what was received, ultimately they chose what they wanted to spend or felt obliged to spend. If the DC don't want whatever it is, pass it on to charity, if it's money put it in a savings account and be sure to note down who sent it so they can be thanked and the gift reciprocated (if you want) when it's their DC's party.

You can't say anything. They'll know when they only get given £5 back

£5 seems very mean to me, I never gave less than a tenner and my son is now a late teen.

Just because you think £5 is standard, doesn't mean everyone else has the same idea.

Be grateful, teach your kid about saving money for something special and let it go. Just thank everyone nicely with no further comments needed.

My DD8 birthday party yesterday similar set up and real variety in terms of gifts. A number of kids gave her gifts around £10 but others definitely spent more like £20 - eg £10 book voucher and a couple of small gifts. I just sent messages thanking each of the parents for their generous gifts, it would never cross my mind to police the amount they choose to spend.

£5 certainly not given in my years of parenting. Normally £10 or £20
i would not feel embarrassed at all.

Honestly just say thank you.

I wouldnt say anything.They will be embarrassed and it will be awkward . surely if they didnt have the money they wouldnt pay it?

Don't assume that either giver hasn't understood, just assume they are adults who made a decision. Mentioning anything more than a thank you would be odd and possibly patronising.

I'm more generous if I give money instead of a gift for a child because it feels like I've taken the lazy option. I'll pay more to not have to shop

£20 is insane!! Especially for a classmates birthday and from people you don't know that well.

We only give that amount or buy the equivalent for nieces and nephews (we have almost 20 of them between us though!)

We did a £20 Amazon voucher for DS's best friend recently but they took him away on an overnight activity and wouldn't take any contribution towards travel / accommodation.

£5-£20 is well within normal children's party gift parameters. If they had given £50+ that would be comment worthy. Thank them and move on.

Also just because they are Ukrainian doesn't mean necessarily they are strapped for cash. They are refugees from war, not economic migrants.

My sons at college now and I've never given less than £10 at bday parties for him. £5 seems tight.

I have £10 for a party gift 10 years ago. If parents want to be generous let them. Eastern Europeans are known to be generous with DC. Just remember if their DC has a birthday to be generous in return.

Some people don’t get invited to many parties and personally I’d love to give £20 to a child! So for their sake, I’d let it go.

just move on

the people giving those gifts are adults who can make their own decisions

There’s a Romanian in my child’s class who always gives expensive gifts despite not being well off