What’s it like to have a ‘normal’ relationship with your dad?

[GoodnightJude1]

I just wondered really….

am I missing much?

I don’t want to go in to too much detail but let’s just say I’ve never been close to my dad. He left when I was 9 and never bothered with me much growing up. He’s never said he’s proud of me, never said he loves me.
He allowed my mum full custody of me if she promised not to ask for any money from him.

So I guess I just want to know what it’s like having a proper dad. Do u call eachother and chat? Do you have nice memories of doing stuff together growing up?

My dad is an older version of me. We both struggle with expresing emotions and we both have anxiety and we both have a "keep buggering on" attitude. My dad expresses love by helping me financially. He is financially generous to all his GC. He never says the words but does worry about us a lot.

He is not very well but still makes the effort to travel, to see friends & family, and to try and make the best of things. He gets pains but says, "mustn't grumble" and carries on. I suppose stoic is a good word for him. I tend to be the same way. My daughter is too. It drives my exH mad because we keep our emotions to ourselves. We know all about what exH is feeling. But I'm not averse to speaking to a counsellor if needed. Nor is my daughter. My dad thinks talking therapy is nonsense, but he's a different generation.

This is something I've pondered on over the years too. My father was quite detached from us, and although we'd visit each week, he just sat and watched sports.

In his last couple of years, he started making an effort which I appreciated, but it was too little too late. I was sad when he died, but didn't feel the need to grieve as I didn't know him at all.

My children's fathers are completely different. Both lovely and loving men who were very involved, and still are. They get on like a house in fire too. Both exes who I'm very fond of.

@GoodnightJude1 she'll love that you do that. It means more than you know.

That's actually made me well up. Just wow! Lucky you! 🫶🏻

I thought that this might be an interesting thread, having had a father with lots of issues including alcoholism, then him dying young. The first post seemed a little much to discover a dad who read to his daughter every night until she was 11. It really makes my experience seem rather below par and I don't think that it's necessarily a good idea to go down that rabbit warren. That said, what does a good father look like...my husband to my children. I was very careful in my choice and chose extremely well.

@ghostestwiththemostest

I made sure I found a wonderful father for my DC too. I didn’t ever want them to feel the emptiness that comes from having a father that’s there but not…there.

I get on well with my dad, but I don't have a 'daddy's girl', 'apple of his eye 'type of relationship with him. I get on well with both my parents, and I guess I feel like I have a kind of collective relationship with them, rather than a special one with either of them individually!

My Dad was a good provider, had a strong sense of duty and was very involved in the community. He is renowned as being a 'well respected' man. However I don't ever really remember having a conversation with him as a kid or teenager. I do remember he read stories when we were young and brought us to the circus but that's it. He somehow lived with us but avoided us. He stood in the shed alone for about 10 years doing god knows what. But he sat outside nightclubs to give me a lift if I needed one (partly due to his belief that getting a taxi in any circumstances is a waste of money). He never knew or cared to know where I worked or what my friends names were, or who I was really. Zero affection. My mum died when I was in my 20s and it was like the house became his, no more hiding in the shed. We talk about once a week and I visit about once every 3 to 4 weeks but I find it really stressful. We cheek kiss, make polite conversation where he talks and I listen or agree and thats it really. If I talk about myself he cuts in and changes the topic. He still would not know about my work or friends. He is very generous and would pay for dinner, gives me cash for birthday etc and buy little gifts for my kids. Very little interest in spending time with them though. All round he is a good person but we have a superficial relationship. I should add he is an unusual and highly eccentric man, intellectual but poor social skills, i think he is autistic to be honest. I genuinely don't know if he even likes me but I think he is proud of me.

My parents separated and I would see my Dad regularly, if he showed up he was very unreliable. He never supported us financially as children and has never helped us as adults. Occasionally (once or twice a year) he will help with a diy project. I feel like I’ve got half a Dad compared to my friends.

My dad had trouble controlling his temper when I was a child so I was scared of him, but sought his approval as children do. I now realise he's quite an emotional person. Feels things deeply.

Even though we've had our ups and downs, he's my biggest supporter, tells me he thinks I'm amazing, and raised me to believe I could do anything I wanted to do - an important message for a girl I think. We always end every conversation with 'I love you'.

Though I still contend, a shit dad is worse than no dad. I am lucky to have my dad. Some of my friend's dads...they would have done less damage if they were absent.

@Mabelface love that your exes are not just great dads but good friends too. A testament to you and wonderful for your kids.

@JztBlzd I completely agree. I think if I’d never seen my dad again after he’d left when I was 9, I’d have saved myself a lot of heartache.

My dad rocked me as a baby when I wouldn't be put down in my cot. He took me and my brother to the park when we were little. When I was a teen he used to take me out for waffles and hot chocolate at the weekend. As an adult he would do anything for me. My parents have been married for 55 years, and my mum would do anything for me too! They're in their 80s now and I don't see them as much as I used to - busy with work and kids - but I speak to them often and I know they'd still drop everything to help me if I needed it. I know I am very lucky. I have tried to give my kids the same sense of stability and security that my parents gave me.

My parents broke up when I was 2, he was local but very low efforts to see us. I have some day out memories that my mum made him take us on. I don't feel that he really knows me as a person and what my favourite things are etc.

He regularly forgets my birthday and this year forgot my first childs 2nd birthday. He texted apologising loads that week, I haven't heard from him since and it was a few months ago.

Of course some people have great dads, but I personally think if you have one good parent that is enough

Reading all these replies has made me realise I can't even think of a time in my life when my Dad has actually said anything positive to me.

My dad read to me every night, and did my piano practice with me every day. I played in the garden while he was digging. He taught me to ride a bike and took me on rides. And camping. He brought me a cup of tea every morning.

He was calmer and more patient than my mum.

He bailed me out when I clocked up debts at college.

He told me when I was 10 that if I didn't learn humility and to say sorry I would find marriage very difficult in later life.

And when I was 11 that if I didn't stop resisting showering I would smell and people wouldn't want to be near me.

And he gave such a warm and funny speech at our wedding that people still mention it today nearly 20 years later and say it was the best father of the bride speech they'd ever heard.

When I played the piano at my grandmothers funeral recently - he was the first person I looked at to see how it had gone down and he was beaming at me and touched his heart to show that it was good.

He was born in the 40s and is not emotionally expressive so I don't think he ever said I Love You - but I knew I was loved because he showed it.

I should phone him and tell him I love him. PE!

My mum and dad are still together, and I see them both a few times a week.

Growing up he was brusque, quite stern and a little scary. Loving and hard working, but a little scary. He worked funny hours in an interesting job that we could go along to sometimes and I was so proud of him, he was also around more than many because of it.

He has mellowed now and is a very loving grandpa to my 3, is in his 70ies and volunteers, is very active. He loves a project, was round helping me decorate the other day and is doing some carpentry for us. He's one of the old school dad's that can fix or make anything, and has a collection of old screws and bits of wood "just in case". My husband is a lot like him in that regard, a fixer.

Both he and my mum are always on the end of the phone, and would and do do anything they can to help make the lives of their kids and grandkids better.

He's not perfect, nor am I. I wouldn't necessarily phone for a chat, am more likely to phone my mum if I were to (am not a phone person) but I see them a lot so we are well caught up.

My husband's dad was the same (I never met him sadly) and he left a huge hole in my husband's life when he passed.

I have a very close relationship with my dad.

After I was born my mum had very bad PND and when I was about 3 months old she just walked out and so my dad was left to care for me and my sister (who was 1 year older). My mum came back about a year later.

My parents divorced when I was 5 years old but we always had regular contact with our dad, we would be with him every weekend without fail, he’d spend Christmas with us, he’d be at every school play, every parent’s evening, every award assembly, pay for our hobbies and take us to them etc and he’d take us on lovely holidays too. He and my mum remained really amicable and they did a fantastic job of co-parenting.

When I was 21 I moved in with him as it suited me in relation to my University courses and I lived with him for about 6 years which was a great experience!

When I was a teenager, and now as an adult I will always go to him over my mum if I have any problems. Emotionally I’m far more connected to him and I do wonder if that’s because for the first year of my life he was my only carer and we now know how important that year is for building secure attachments.

Once my mum returned after her PND episode she was a great mum and everything she did was for me and my sister, I cannot fault her, but she has always struggled to form an emotional connection with either of us. She never hugged me and she never told me she loved me, ever. But she would have done absolutely anything for me and always did.

Anyway, back to my dad. I’m coming up 40 soon and I still see him a few times a week and we chat on the phone about 3 times a week. He adores my husband and his grandchildren and he is always having them for sleepovers (not DH obviously) and taking them on trips etc and watching them in their football games.

Me and DH even got married on my dad’s birthday so that was really lovely.

I’ve had a really rough few years with my health and my dad has been my absolute rock, I can’t even put into words how much he has done for me to try and help me. He’s been amazing. Even at the ages we are now, my happiness and wellness is still his main concern. He’s a wonderful dad.

But as I said, although I have a great relationship with my dad I have missed out on having a close relationship with my mum in some ways.

Im sorry you had such a crap experience with your dad but please be rest assured nothing is your fault and you don’t need to feel guilty about anything.

I was very lucky with my Dad. He and Mum married late and he wanted to be the best father he could. He made sure he spent time with us when he got back from work. He'd put us to bed and make up stories. He was funny, kind, calm and always there with a hug. He was interested in everything and would make us question things and form our own views. When he drew the line and got angry (rare) we knew we'd pushed it too far!

I grew up feeling loved and secure. He was always proud of all his children and made sure we knew it. Unfortunately he died when I was in my early 20s. It felt like someone had cut half of the ground from underneath me. I miss him and I wish my DC had had a chance to know him.

(I should point out that my Mum was great too although she was the one having to lay down the law more often!)

Distant, disinterested and sometimes abusive . On rare occasions he could be empathetic. He’s dead now. I never really had a relationship with him. He provided for us but that’s all I can say. I don’t think he ever really wanted children.

My dad never told me he loved me or was proud of me. I can't even remember him kissing me hello and def never gave me a cuddle.

I had a wonderful FIL though.

My dad is the best and my hero. He's always their for his children and grandchildren. I broke his heart when I was 16 and ran away to live with my boyfriend. I learnt afterwards that my dad didn't get out of bed for two weeks and grieved for me as if I'd died. I put my parents through hell getting pregnant and back and forth because my bf was abusive and every time I left to come home I was pregnant with another child resulting in me having 3 children at 20. When I left for the last time to come back home my dad brought my children up as if they were his own, helped me to get in my own place and made sure I always had money and a car. When I got my own place he would sleep at mine every night to make sure I was safe (ex was turning up at my house being abusive) or their to babysit if I wanted to have a break and go out. He's a fabulous dad to myself, brother and sister and grandad to all of his 11 grandkids and would die for anyone of us. He's 63 and works extremely hard in a very physically job in all weathers. He's a protector and a provider and I'm so lucky to have him. My eldest 3 kids don't see their dad and have never had a relationship with him which I feel awful about 😞 they are so close to my dad they could easily be his but I see how not having a father of their own has impacted their lives. They are 22,21,18 now and have the best stepdad and grandad they could wish for.

My dad has always been there for me and always provided. But we are also a tad distant emotionally. He's never said I love you for example, but got me my first job, always bought me gifts, pick me up from anywhere.

You are so, so lucky. Cherish him always.

my Dad left when I was 3, I see him for about half an hour once a year on Christmas Eve. We are not close and never have been. He used to "tease" me, I call it bullying so I do not miss him at all.