How do you politely decline invitations to things you don't want to attend?

[Cycleforth]

I used to be such a people-pleaser but am getting better! I still have difficulty saying no to certain things and feel I have to give a reason- eg I got invited to the 50th party of an acquaintance recently, I wouldn't describe her as a friend and I really don't want to go. Should I give a reason or just say I can't make it?

This is what I need to do!

Thanks for all the great tips. I think now it's best to not over-explain.

Not over explaining honestly liberated me feels great I mean I'm not rude or anything but it's great .

If you want to say something nice, my very posh step-grandmother always used to say something that was true and vaguely relevant but not a direct answer, eg if given a horrible overcooked meal to eat would say 'I adore steak!' or 'you've gone to so much trouble!' with a level of enthusiasm that made it seem as if she was pleased. So for a 50th birthday maybe 'What a milestone! Sounds like a very special event! Unfortunately I can't make it, etc.'

I like this but I must ask - why never apologise in this context? Doesn't "I'm sorry I can't make, that's a shame" add a little kindness to the delivery?

Amazing. I adore this.

I had to get very old before I started saying this but wish I had started sooner 😆

I always say “so sorry but I already have plans”. That plan might be chilling out at home for the day/evening but it is a plan.

Please don't do this, it's incredibly rude and inconsiderate. The host needs to know numbers for catering etc

No, I'd never do this. As I said, if anything I over-explain.

I always decide if I want to go or don’t initially. And respond politely as people have said up the thread if it’s a no. I don’t dither or dwell on it or consider it.

With close friends I’m happy to say, ‘that’s not really my thing, so I’m out. See you next time.’ But we are very close.

With things like school mums drinks - I always think; a) do I fancy a drink, b) do I actually enjoy the company of these people or c) will it benefit me / my kids in some way.

I used to go to a lot of things and think - I can’t stand many of you, our core values are polar opposite. Now I recognise this and steer clear.

Jusy say no thanks

no need to pussyfoot around is there.

In cases like the Ops I say i can't make it but suggest a coffee or lunch 1-1 meetup instead. (If i feel like it).

I am getting better at saying no.

Also I have had loads of practice in the past few years. I am part of a girls group set up by a good friend who is a mega extrovert. Most of the group do not have children and they meet up 3 times a week or more. I have a high needs child with disabilities and a younger one as well. I just say 'can't do that'. At first I had FOMO but as time has gone on I just don't get that anymore. At first also peopl e would say 'can't DH do that and you come out?' But my answer is no, I need alot of downtime.

I try and do one thing a month. And catch up with dear friend at least once a week for low key coffee. So i am missing at least 9 things.

I used to overhtink it, but discovered actually no-one really cares if I am there or not. They are pleased to see me (I think) when I am, but that's it.

I had an invite to an evening do and really didn't want to go. We usually go to an event every other month so I just declined and said we were going to an extra event. They will not find out because the event is something they would never be interested in.

I did this recently where I was invited to a group event but wasn't interested but there was one person who I was keen to see so I arranged to meet up separately another time, so I'm getting better at this!

I also need a lot of down time.

This is what I say now, every time.
After decades of spending weeks feeling anxious because I'd agreed to go. It's liberating to just get in quickly with your reply then stop thinking about it.

Yes! That's what I do. I say I have other plans already. Because to me other plans can include making time for myself to just chill.