Please help me explain to my 9 yr old why he can't play Fortnite even though he does at his DF's

[Gnarrrly]

Does anyone know of any resources aimed specifically for kids about why playing a PEGI 12 isn't a good idea? DS plays Fortnite at his dad's. His dad is a complete Disney dad who's abusive, and does stuff like this to cause trouble. (If I let DS play, I have no doubt he'd be complaining to social services and taking me to court etc. Yes he really is that bad!) Tbh I don't know much about gaming OR Fortnite specifically, but if any posters do, and feel that it doesn't deserve its PEGI 12 rating and actually it would be suitable for a 9 year old, I would be really grateful too.

I don't want to be too critical of DS's dad because that isn't fair on DS. I am saying stuff like it's for 12+, there's a reason for this, you can play when you're 12, maybe when you're 11 but obviously I am getting all the "dad lets me" arguments. And "I only get to play once a week" (he can also play alternate weekends, and half of the holidays when he's with his dad). Plus DS wants to fit in with his peers who do play. It's really important to him to get limited edition skins and these are time-bound.

@Gnarrrly any game can become addictive, it depends.on the person. I usually have a quick go on call of duty, or magic arena then after a bit I get bored and need more knowledge.

So then I read for a bit or it's a conference on YouTube etc

I think I let mine had Fortnite from 9ish, but that’s not really the point is it?

This is just one example of when rules will be different at your house to at dad’s house, and he really needs to get used to that asap.

Would it work to talk to him about how rules are different in different places? Like how he wears uniform for school, but not at home?

Gaming is one of many issues to come. You need to start talking to your son in more general terms about how parents don't always agree so there can be two sets of rules to follow. Acknowledgment of how frustrating this is etc but start asserting yourself now.

Other posters views on computer games won't help you.

DS is very keen on challenging injustice almost to the point of obsession so this is just taking over every waking moment. Also very inquisitive / curious. And me saying "because I say so" doesn't work but then if I use the Pegi rating he doesn't understand because I have let him watch a 12 film on occasion (Wakanda Forever and Black Adam). I feel more in control with films though because I watch them myself and I remember wanting to watch a 12 when I was 10, wanting to watch an 18 when I was 13 etc. However I don't really do gaming and never have.

I like that analogy a lot @OutDamnedSpot I will definitely use it thank you! We have been split up for 4 years but this is the first time he has started saying the cliche of "but my dad says I can" and honestly I thought it never would happen as it's been so long.

Well we were blowing up biplanes from the age of 7. Fortnight is fine, no different to playing wink murder or hide and seek. let him get on with it. it's fun and a briliantly designed fantasy world. It will do no harm. He'll get to chat to his friends/family on there too

Ha! You’ve done well to make it four years without “but dad says…” 😁

Luckily, my DC seem to understand that rules are different here to at dad’s (it helps that rules at Nanny’s / school / cubs are also different so I can use those as an example). I do sometimes need to do the “I know you’re frustrated, but I’m the adult so I’ve made this choice” type speech.

Good luck!

@specialsauce can you turn off chat? I don't mind him talking to his friends but don't want him talking to randoms!

Yes absolutely. You can make it really safe. Also, it's a good chance to chat with the dad and nip the 'but dad says' thing in the bud. Reach a decision with dad and tell him you've both agreed . dot dot dot.
Hopefully it'll stop the 'dad says' if he sees that although apart you can work together. ( I know it's not that easy either bit worth it)

but

My daughter played fortnite loads with her friends, but it really was a flash in the pan. They soon got bored of it. If you can let him play it safely he'll probably get bored too? She played minecraft way way longer.

She's on to just dance now. Happy days...

I unfortunately cannot talk to my ex about this subject, he is really difficult and I am sure he is only allowing DS to play because I said no. I wish it was something we could co-parent together about, but my ex will just be gleeful that he is causing friction between me and DS 😕

I think I will reiterate that there are different rules at different houses and that the jury's out for now re the actual game

@specialsauce thanks that is useful to know.

All the boys in my DDs classes play FIFA and all I hear is about the addiction and rage they get from it by the parents. I’m not sure of the reason but assume it’s just a general football thing. But it definitely could be a subliminal/chemical thing. DH isn’t interested in it, I think he played it once when he got his new PS but that’s it. DDs aren’t interested.

I think with anything growing up they go through phases, for a long time it was Roblox, 8yo still prefers it. Minecraft came next, now it’s Fortnite.

I don’t think it’s a bad social thing either. My dd started at a new gymnastics club, was struggling making friends until she was put in a new class and bonded with a group of girls who all play Fortnite. They exchanged user names and now play together. Same with school friends, though dd is the only girl from school that plays, she plays with the boys as the girls are all into make up, boys and TikTok. I much prefer her playing Fortnite than dressing older than her age, slapping makeup all over herself and obsessing about boys and posting videos of herself online.

10yo just got a phone before Christmas. It’s to get her use to taking responsibility for it before high school. The 8yo knows she has to wait till Yr6 regardless of whether her friends have them or not. We are not strict with it, she dose more than just chat and watch videos, she did all her research for her last homework project on it, constantly on TTRS, manages her go Henry account, has her own class dojo app, makes videos (not YouTube or TikTok) more takes photos of the dog, toys and creates videos out of them. At the same time she will happily put it down and not bother with it all night.

The biggest issue is definitely addiction which is what you have to manage. When kids play these games or go online that get an instant dopamine hit which is why they want to keep playing. When that’s taken away from them they crash. The bad behaviour and tantrums are not their fault, it’s all chemical and they can’t control it. This is why I never demand my DDs stop instantly when their time is up, I let them finish the round/game they are playing with them knowing they have to stop at the end of it. Since understanding this and putting this rule into practice we’ve not had any tantrums. Because DH is a gamer our DDs definitely get more gaming time than some of their friends, but we do try and manage it too. DH plays the games with them but he will make them take breaks, but he will dress it up as he needs a break so he will say he feels like a movie or to watch something in particular and the girls will happily watch the movie with him instead. They also know that they have jobs to do and if the jobs aren’t done then no video games.

We try and be open and explain our reasons why the rules are in place and the effects the games have in them. I went to a very interesting talk by a man named Sam Tyrer, he has set up a programme called a change Talks, it’s about mental health in kids, it’s targeted towards teenagers but he’s trying to capture younger children as sometimes it’s too late by the time they reach high school, addictions and mental health problems are already there. He’s just been back to my DDs school and done a talk with the Year 5/6s, talking to them about the dangers of the internet and how their addiction works. There are so many aspects to gaming, the internet, social apps, you could panic and say, no chance I’m stopping all technology and no gaming, but then that could create other issues such as your child being a social outcast… it’s about trying to get the balance right with your child. We’ve found a way that works for us, you just need to find a way that works for you.

feel more in control with films though because I watch them myself and I remember wanting to watch a 12 when I was 10, wanting to watch an 18 when I was 13 etc. However I don't really do gaming and never have.

I don't really think this is a legitimate reason to say no. This is the world we live in so as parents we have to take responsibility and learn about the things our children are exposed to. It's annoying when you're a single parent so you have to do it all yourself - I'm in the lucky position that, to a large extent, I can leave gaming and movies to DH but if we were divorced, I'd have to step up.

I also think that whether they start gaming at 9 or 19, they WILL be online, WILL be interacting with strangers etc and it's a LOT easier to insist on the rules when they're 9.

For example, we had (and still have) a strict rule that he can't accept friend requests online from people he doesn't know in real life. That has become his go to standard and he'll sometimes comment now that he finds it so weird that random people want to send him friend requests. At first, random-team games were only played with no headphones but we relaxed that over time - but still no accepting post-game friend requests (Fortnite allows random players to talk/engage with each other but it's randomly allocated so unless, after the game, one sends a friend request, you don't "meet" those people again.) We also had strict rules about what he could say in those games eg no info re his name, school, age, where he lived etc).

These rules were so successful that we then had to go back and re-teach DS that actually, it is perfectly okay to give his real name to a child he meets in the park!

I know the addiction and moods IS a thing but I have noticed it seems to be more prevalent in families where the rules are super strict. Like someone said upthread - if you have time limits, that's fine, but let them finish the game they're on rather than having to end it half way because otherwise it just creates more tension and no one likes having to stop when they've almost won!

Also, a lot of children love it when their parents watch them play Fortnite and again, I've noticed those are the ones who seem to have a more balanced view. I wouldn't watch a lot, but we'd often watch a couple of games and DS loved showing off his skills. It's surprisingly exciting actually (my sister had to cut herself off as SHE was the one getting over excited and inappropriate!).

Also, 30 minutes a day isn't enough for Fortnite. I'd say rather do at least an hour, less often if you feel that strongly about it.

Thank you all so much i feel i have a much better understanding of what fortnite actually is like now!