How do I process my mother using racist term?

[LaGiaconda]

I have been a stepmother for 30 years. My stepson and stepdaughter are a big part of.my life.

My mother has never been terribly interested in my stepchildren and has not met them for many years now.

She has, however, expressed a bit of interest when my stepdaughter, who married a man of South Asian heritage, started her own family. She frequently said how 'interesting' their background must be.

Yesterday on the phone she said a word that I just could not process in relation to my step-grandchildren, so I asked her to repeat it.

That word was 'mongrels'.

I shall not be able to forget she used that word.

It is particularly strange that she should have spoken in this way as she is Jewish but chose to marry a man who is not Jewish and who grew up in a different country from the one where she was born. So I and my two brothers are of mixed heritage....

96? Cut her a bit of slack.

judge not, lest you are judged. Who knows what the correct words and attitudes will be when you are her age?

When communicating with different generations, people with neurodiversities or those brought up/ living in another country, it's the sentiment behind the word that counts.
You start by implying that your mother has never been particularly open with your family. It is this sentiment that is the basis of how you are interpreting her language, and you quite possibly are correct that she is being racist.
I've spent 35+ years out of the Uk. I sometimes feel I skirt round topics/ saying things when back for fear of saying the wrong thing, but ultimately I know myself so I cannot take on the multitude of interpretations of everyone I meet.

You just have to call it out and correct it. A decent older person would accept they’ve perhaps misguidedly used an offensive term and not do it again. If they repeatedly use the offensive term after that, well then that’s a different matter. They are obviously racist.

Its really not hard and being old isn’t an excuse. My dad is an elderly man from rural Ireland and he manages not to offend my black husband or mixed race children.

(If he ever called my kids mongrels he’s be fucked out of my life fairly quickly though, to be honest!)

Dear oh dear. She’s using language that to her is acceptable. Generation Gap.

“we don’t say that kind of thing anymore “ = processed.

She’s 96 for goodness sake, get over yourself with your ‘processing’, she’s from a different era.

All these people excusing language because of her age. My gran would have been about hundred now and never once would she have thought to refer to my mixed race/bi racial child as a mongrel. Not once.

my other grandparents were in their eighties and never once did they refer to any of their mixed race grandchildren as mongrels.

age is not an excuse, and it’s miserable when people suggest that. I’m glad you called it out, it’s not acceptable. Hopefully she listens and doesn’t use it again.

A friend of mine used 'half caste' a couple of years ago. She's African and it's what she's always known to call biracial people in their country. To her, it isn't meant in a derogatory way as half-caste means half-half/biracial there.

I let her know that it's considered offensive and she decided to no longer use it because that's not her intention.

Point is people have different meanings for words as they're ever changing. A simple correction would suffice for the well-intentioned who hasn't kept up with these terms. A racist or arrogant, never-do-wrong person (or both), however, would probably do the opposite and double down on its use, choosing to make excuses instead.

Exactly as predicted, this type of post always comes up.

Maybe you can explain how that works, you seem to be saying that because you know some old people who aren't racist that there can't possibly be other old people who haven't realised/accepted that language has changed and continue to use racist words

That makes no sense

@Rosula isn't making excuses. She is showing an understanding of and empathy for the elderly. They do,in fact, retain old fashioned attitudes. Sometimes they shock us with the things they say. Sometimes they are even right in what they say. But right or wrong, the elderly are entitled to some respect and tolerance.

@TimeForMeToF1y she used the word mongrel. That has never been an acceptable word to use for a human being. This isn't a case of someone using a word that used to be OK but isn't now.

Mumsnet can be a very hostile place for women of colour and posts like this are why.

she’s from a different era.

I am so sick of this excuse. She is not from a different era, she's still here and this 'era' you speak of where everyone was racist is not the era she is in right now. She has now been living in an 'era' that has made it clear that word is unacceptable for some time. If she hasn't yet learnt that its because she hasn't been listening the last few decades or so! My Dad used to say a word for mixed race people that is offensive and wrong, he is late 70's and hasn't used it since I was a teen and we all yelled at him for it. So no, it is not excusable because of her age at all.

the elderly are entitled to some respect and tolerance

Not if they're racist.

My Nan passed away at 91 in 2017 with dementia and even she learned to say mixed race.
I never heard her use the word mongrel to describe a person, in fact I work with many older people & haven't heard it used.
I think it's a disgusting way to refer to someone.

Call her "you wife of a foreigner" and make it sound like an insult.

Maybe she thinks that because they are step that, you would not be offended or might even agree with her. I doubt she would say it if they were biological dc.
She made that judgment call wrong, and she should be told not to say it again to you. It is not a positive word, a mongrel dog is not a pure breed, is usually more intelligent, and is less premium, would she say mongrel to their faces? Ask her that...

Mongrel has always been highly derogatory. At no point in history, has anyone ever said politely 'ah, so you're a mongrel, I take it?'

It's insulting and dehumanising. It's a word specifically associated with dogs and uncontrolled breeding.

You can forgive someone for using the word 'coloured' for example, and accepting correction. It's outdated, yes, but was once a common phrase. Mongrel was never.

Shocked that anyone is defending her.

Does being 96 mean you have no access to TV, radio or the outdoors?

Oh gees that's bad.
I'd ask her if she considers you a mongrel.

I think most decent people would be offended.

My mum would have been 105 this year. I never could persuade her that her definition of a particular shade of brown was highly offensive - and I tried numerous times. I think with very old people you have to separate the intention from the word. Neither your mum or mine said those words to be offensive - when they were young they were widely used and considered acceptable.

When has it ever been acceptable to call a human being a mongrel?

Well, Miriam Webster still lists it as a term for mixed race people…
It’s pretty unpleasant and certainly outdated.

My mum is 90 and has a TV and a radio and often ventures outdoors. She also does cryptic crosswords, reads poetry, buys condolence catds, and goes to funerals.

She listens to a classical music station, watches formula 1 racing and tennis and rugby on the TV, and nothing else. Her friends are in their 80s and early 90s. She goes to a classical music appreciation club, a lawn bowling club, to the church and to the supermarket once a week. She takes a brisk walk on her own every day.

To say she's insulated from 99% of what goes on in the world would be an understatement. She's really, really not up to date even with the life of people in their 70s. They are old, but she's in an even older generation. Her grandchildren's jobs are baffling to her. Even her own children's jobs are beyond her understanding.

Up to about five years ago I would have predicted she'd be hale and hearty and totally compos mentis well past the age of 100. Now I'm not so sure. She doesn't have dementia or alzheimers, recently had her driver's license renewed, but she has slowed down and become a lot less confident in her physical abilities, and a lot less interested in the news and other aspects of life that used to be important to her. She tunes it out. This is what growing really old does to you.

When I was at secondary school we had a history book that described the British as a mongrel race. It was acceptable for far longer than it’s been unacceptable.