Found out my boyfriend is my distant cousin

[Pink2121]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 15.months. I have recently started researching my family tree and in doing so, I have found out that we are 4th cousins. We share a great great great grandfather. I was shocked when I heard it and very upset. Any advice on what I should do. Should we stay together or go our separate ways. We are happy together but this has completely changed the way I feel for him.now. its a very difficult situation..

[KingsleyShacklebolt]

On my Ancestry DNA profile I have 22,117 people who I share at least a little DNA with.

315 of them are 4th cousins or closer, and knowing what I know about my family tree, that's just a tiny percentage of my actual cousins who have tested.

I get why it's a shock finding that you're distantly related to your partner, but once you process that and it sinks in, I think you'll easily come to terms with it.

[Tooembarrassingtomention]

@NapoleonOzmolysis

You can marry your first cousin so what's the problem?

You can but that is a long standing law before we understood about genetics and the increased risks

It needs reviewing now

[wombatspoopcubes]

I know two first cousins who had healthy children and later married. They had no idea that they were cousins till the wedding when the mothers finally met each other (no idea why that didn't happen before)

You're actually not that related to each other, its no biggie.

[CleopatrasBeautifulNose]

I think the problem is that cousin might technically cover your connection but linguitically we think of cousin as a close thing whereas you are describing a situation where you share an ancestor. Stop using the word 'cousin' and replace with 'common ancestor' and you might find you feel differently. Ill-fitting descriptors are your enemy here.

[CleopatrasBeautifulNose]

that is to say,, the word cousin has an emotional meaning for us psychologically, because of our day to day customary use of the word, when this context is outside of that common meaning and which it doesn't warrant in this scenario.

[TreeSmuggler]

Agree, the problem here is the word "cousin", which conjures up images of the kids we played with when we were little and grew up with. A fourth cousin isn't a cousin in that sense. As Cleopatra said above, they could be more accurately described as a common ancestor, or in many cases just "a person from x town".

[Silene]

That's no problem! You are so distantly related it makes no differ3nce, and lots of people are more closely related than 4ths.

[Carpetssss]

My paternal grandparents were cousins and much closer cousins than you and your boyfriend. It's not a problem

[TheLovelinessOfDemons]

I'd only worry if you were going to have DC, but that's because I have a son with cystic fibrosis, which needs 2 carriers. If there's CF in your family, you should both get tested, but apart from that it's fine.

[LoislovesStewie]

Tooembarrassingtomention Actually the Roman Catholic Church banned marriages within 7 degrees of consanguinity. Of course a dispensation from the Pope could be obtained. After the Reformation cousin marriage became slightly more common reaching a peak in Victorian times. So we could blame those pesky Protestants for allowing cousin marriage.
I think, genetically speaking, the real problem comes when successive generations of first cousins marry as the gene pool becomes very narrow and the likelihood of ill health will then increase. So, one cousin marriage, probably OK, more not so good.

[Bluntness100]

I suppose it's only natural to feel a bit different towards your partner once you find out something like this

I think the responses show that not to be the case, no?

It’s not like he’s a first or second cousin uou grew up with, fourth is so so distant. For me it would be an amusing co incidence.

Are you looking for a reason to end the relationship?

[VavavoomHenry]

This wouldn’t be an issue for me. Genetically so far apart, probably strangers have similar dna matches. I can’t imagine it would matter biologically or socially.

If you absolutely can’t get passed it, then that would be a real shame.

[pokemoncard]

According to 23andMe I only share 0.69% of my DNA at most with the 4th cousins they've found. There will also be 1000s of 'relatives' who are 4th cousins or closer. 23andMe identifies approx 1500 and not many people upload their dna to a website! The vast majority of people would never know if they were 4th cousins with their spouse/friends etc

[CleopatrasBeautifulNose]

You have 32 Great great great grandparents.
Your Dh also has 32.

So out of the 64 people whose DNA at G.g.g.grandparent level went into making you and your DH 1 of those is shared.
This is defnitely only something that would be unusual in modern times (and for that matter would still not be unusual in many places around the world). Imagine villages, island nations, remote communities... you'd be considered exotically distant, practically a different species only sharing 1 great great great grandparent!

[MilduraS]

That's so far back I wouldn't worry about it. I'm from a family where 10+ kids was normal until my parents generation finally settled for 3 or 4. I could probably find several hundred 4th cousins living around my home town if I researched my family tree.

[Justilou1]

Omg! I can understand feeing weird about that! I went out for drinks with some friends and we ended up chatting to a group of guys that we’d never met before. I was chatting to a really gorgeous guy that I had a lot in common with for ages. Same sense of humour, etc… Tall, dark and handsome which I like as I am very petite and blonde. He took out his wallet to pay for some drinks and I saw his driver’s license and I must have looked a bit shocked. He asked if I was okay, and I suggested that we chat outside for a second. We had the same unusual surname. Turns out that his dad and mine were first cousins. We both agreed that we would never speak of this again! Of course that was great in theory until a great aunt died and we met up again about four months later at her funeral. So hard keeping straight faces when our dads introduced us for the “first time”. (We had a laugh later).

[SmellyOldOwls]

Half the people in your town are probably 4th cousins of you really look into it.

[Babyiskickingmyribs]

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose
63 people at GGGGrandparent level in this couple’s case. You’ve counted their common ancestor twice.

[Notaroadrunner]

Wouldn't worry me. I know of first cousins couples who are married with kids. No big deal. Given the amount of people conceived via a one night stand, some people could be marrying their half sibling, let alone a 4th cousin. Carry on with your relationship and don't give it another thought.

[diamondpony80]

Where I’m from that’s pretty common. I know couples that are closer related than that - 2nd cousins. 2nd cousin relationships does cause a bit of controversy but beyond that nobody would know or care.

[Snowisfallinghere]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consanguinity

At a genetic level, the relationship between fourth-cousins is usually indistinguishable from the relationship to a random individual within the same population (tribe, country, ethnic group). So basically by the time you get to fourth cousin, you're related to him as much as you're related to any random person in this region of the world.

[CleopatrasBeautifulNose]

[quote Babyiskickingmyribs]@CleopatrasBeautifulNose
63 people at GGGGrandparent level in this couple’s case. You’ve counted their common ancestor twice.[/quote]
oh yeah. haha

[pucelleauxblanchesmains]

I am much, much more inbred than that and I'm mostly sane on a good day.

[WimpoleHat]

On average we all have between 900 - 1500 fourth cousins.

If you marry someone local, it’s probably not that uncommon to find you have a distant relative in common. “Fourth cousin” is more of a mathematical relationship than an actual “thing”, surely?

My mother was effectively brought up with her cousins and they are very much like siblings. As a result, I’m pretty close to my second cousin (who is very much like a close fist cousin) and couldn’t fathom having any sort of romantic relationship with him, because “he’s family”. But a fourth cousin I didn’t realise was any relation? Totally, totally different kettle of fish in my view. Nothing strange or uncomfortable about that at all. As others have said, nothing strange or to be embarrassed about there at all.

[Pink2121]

No ,not looking for a reason to end it. I just want to be content in my relationship. I just don't want the connection we have to fade because of how I am currently feeling, although all the feedback has made me change my way of thinking. I will think about it some more and see how it goes. That's all I can do.