Found out my boyfriend is my distant cousin

[Pink2121]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 15.months. I have recently started researching my family tree and in doing so, I have found out that we are 4th cousins. We share a great great great grandfather. I was shocked when I heard it and very upset. Any advice on what I should do. Should we stay together or go our separate ways. We are happy together but this has completely changed the way I feel for him.now. its a very difficult situation..

[Shuffleuplove]

OP, Google “population collapse” and the Hapsburgs. That’s when you need to worry...

[SpicyTool75]

I'm a daughter of first cousins, apart from a special dispensation from the pope, nothing else was required for their marriage, no blood tests prior to conceiving

[Falcon4]

As everyone has pointed out. 4th cousin isn't a big deal. I found out that my husband and I were 10th cousins and that was after we had been married for 25 years with 2 sons.
Granted it isn't 4th cousins but I had that same response that you did. Come on who marries their cousin? How embarrassing. Then figured "what the hell!" I just didn't care. He is my soulmate and love of my life.

But when you look into small town/villages as you go further back in time, the late 1800s and further back to the beginning of time.
Remember small towns were still small towns. They didn't have a lot of people moving in and out of the towns like we do now. back then with just horse and wagon for transportation, so moving on a whim rarely happen. Instead couples had children, then children coupled up and had their own children and repeat.

Keep in mind the pond is small at the beginning and though it grows as generations come in. Add in how we treated each other at the time (still do to some extent) where Irish married Irish, Italians married Italians, religion married within their religion and so on. So even though the pond has been made smaller. I'm sure we all know that immaculate conception's only happened once.

That being said you have nothing to worry about. However, if your still concerned and still want to stay together but worry about how it will affect any children see a specialist and have genetic test run.

Just an interesting fact. Back in the 1930s, it was in this culture of heightened awareness (and misinformation) that states began to pass laws requiring couples to submit to blood tests before applying for marriage licenses, so they could avoid spreading a previously undetected venereal disease. At the time it was syphilis that was spreading like wild fire.

After the syphilis crisis was over, some states simply pivoted to using premarital blood tests to check for other diseases, like tuberculosis, rubella, and HIV. The problem, however, was that the practice didn’t actually uncover that many cases of any kind. The Mises Institute reported that the nation as a whole spent around $80 million on premarital syphilis tests and found only 456 positive cases; and according to a 1989 study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, prospective newlyweds in Illinois spent $2.5 million to test for HIV during the first six months of the program, and only eight of the 70,846 tests came back positive. Since neighboring states saw an increase in marriage license applications during that time, the study suggested that people were simply crossing state borders to avoid getting tested (after all, Illinois didn’t pay for the tests).

As states started to realize that premarital blood testing wasn’t a cost-effective way to screen for diseases, they abolished their laws. But it was definitely a slow process—Montana became the final state to repeal its mandatory blood testing (for rubella) in 2019.

[disco123]

Every human alive on the Earth today is descended from Mitochondrial Eve, who lived 200,000 years ago.

[Orangejuicemarathoner]

you are crazy to worry about that!

Hes not you only 4th cousin - you've likely got hundreds, and you probably know many of them

Come to 8th or 9th cousins, you have thousands

Come to 20th cousins, and you would be hard to find someone who isn't related to you!

Every English person is descended from Edward 1.

[CleopatrasBeautifulNose]

@Saralyn

The odds are that at some point in that family line, there is a father who is not actually the biological father, and you are not related at all.

Hehehe good point!

[saraclara]

I'm trying to empathise, but I'm struggling. You are massively overreacting. You are unlikely to share any DNA, you're unlikely to have kids anyway, and there's nothing remotely wrong with marrying a FOURTH cousin!

You seem to have got caught in some kind of weird loop where you're reading way too much in this. You're talking two centuries ago, with the original DNA diluted by generations of people brought into the family.

I bet if you picked two people from any small town that hadn't expanded greatly with commuters or something, you'd discover any number of people married to third or fourth cousins.

[Gorl]

You’re very distant relatives - don’t worry about it. It has no genetic implications and it’s not weird imo when it’s that distant a relationship.

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

Pretty much everyone is related in some way if you go back far enough. I wouldn't be concerned tbh

[Disfordarkchocolate]

It's nothing to worry about. Even first cousins are only an issue when it's repeated.

[Icequeen01]

Friends of ours were first cousins and they married and had 4 children. Can't remember if they had to have a blood test to rule out any genetic problems prior to getting married though.

[Quick99]

Not an issue op

[Damnloginpopup]

@SunshineCake1

The Queen and Prince Philip were related closer than you. No biggie but if you don't feel the same you should leave. Not fair on him.

Two words:

Charles. Ears.

[lljkk]

Turns out my parents are roughly 8th cousins.
My dad is descended from some 2nd cousin marriages.
No biggie.

[Polkadots2021]

@Pink2121

I have been dating my boyfriend for 15.months. I have recently started researching my family tree and in doing so, I have found out that we are 4th cousins. We share a great great great grandfather. I was shocked when I heard it and very upset. Any advice on what I should do. Should we stay together or go our separate ways. We are happy together but this has completely changed the way I feel for him.now. its a very difficult situation..

Meh, we're probably all eachothers fifth cousins. I wouldn't worry about that at all.

[LoislovesStewie]

@Spindrifting, I think in the study you are referring to it was also found that there were generations of first cousin marriages so that parents and grandparents and great-grandparents etc had all married first cousins, so the gene pool was really tiny. The problems were really multi-generational not just one offs.
The reason for the cousin marriage was actually to keep property/money in the family.

[Saralyn]

The odds are that at some point in that family line, there is a father who is not actually the biological father, and you are not related at all.

[Sealionisland]

I found out my first boyfriend was my mum's second cousin. I met him on the other side of the world in the Falklands. I actually dumped him a month before I found out thank god. I told him and we pieced it all together. His mum came to my grandpa's funeral couple of years ago which was awkward as the last time I saw her I was 17 and seeing her son.

[Spindrifting]

@Pink2121

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

@Pink2121, look up the science and stats surrounding the extra risk of birth defects of the children of first cousins, which I think is really what you're thinking of. As I understand the study in Bradford from a few years ago, the offspring of first cousin marriages have a 3.3% higher chance of birth defects -- but many of these aren't serious, aren't genetic, just present at birth, and are in any case roughly comparable to the higher risk of birth defects in women over 34 having children.

Also, one of the problems with the study which was pointed out afterwards was that cousin marriages among Pakistani populations are also dictated by membership of smaller kinship subgroups, and the study wasn't able to collect data for that, which may have distorted the figures upward.

Anyway, this all relates to first cousin marriages, where you share about 12.5% of your DNA, as distinct from fourth cousins, who share only about a fifth of 1% of their DNA, on average.

[TreesoftheField]

I just found out my parents are 4th cousins. My great grandparents on either side were 3rd cousins.... basically not many families and a lot of intermarriage!!
I had to leave the country to find a completely unrelated partner!

[Pink2121]

Yes I agree with you on the irrational thinking. I take your opinion on board. Thanks for your reply.

[CleopatrasBeautifulNose]

Heart broken seems a bit much. That's an unusually strong reaction imo and judging by most on this thread. Maybe you just need to unravel your thoughts to get to the bottom of that, would be a shame to lose a good relationship you want to keep for a disproportionate emotional reaction. If I was him your reaction would give me pause for thought wondering why you were latching onto it so much.

[Triffid1]

@Pink2121

I would be concerned if I were to fall pregnant and I wouldn't want that worry hanging over me. I get that the dna would be low but I guess I'm just a worrier. I feel like my heart is broken almost even though nothing has changed between us apart from the distant ancestor thing.

Honestly, genetically, there is NO concern here (well, i guess unless your common ancestor has some rare genetic condition and has passed it to both of you, but I'd think you'd know that already?).

You are being irrational about this so I'd advise you to either deal with your irrational fears or move on from this man.

[Spindrifting]

@Pink2121

No ,not looking for a reason to end it. I just want to be content in my relationship. I just don't want the connection we have to fade because of how I am currently feeling, although all the feedback has made me change my way of thinking. I will think about it some more and see how it goes. That's all I can do.

I think it's worth unpicking exactly what is disturbing you so much, and the assumptions behind it, because your reaction seems on the surface to be quite out of proportion to discovering you're a you share a single, distant ancestor with your boyfriend.