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Original poster

Found out my boyfriend is my distant cousin

125 replies

Pink2121 · 27/09/2021 09:17

I have been dating my boyfriend for 15.months. I have recently started researching my family tree and in doing so, I have found out that we are 4th cousins. We share a great great great grandfather. I was shocked when I heard it and very upset. Any advice on what I should do. Should we stay together or go our separate ways. We are happy together but this has completely changed the way I feel for him.now. its a very difficult situation..

OP posts:
grapewine · 27/09/2021 10:26

As you already feel differently about hm, no point in keeping the relationship going.

Rainbowheart1 · 27/09/2021 10:30

I bet that’s way more common than what people realise.

Isn’t very far back Danny dyer is related to royalty, if you go back enough your sure to find things but they don’t mean anything really.

Original poster
Pink2121 · 27/09/2021 10:37

Thanks for the replies. It does help to hear different view points. My boyfriend is not bothered about it at all. The great great great grandfather we shared was born approx 200 years ago. It was my father that told me (only recently) that his uncle told him that their was a far out connection with this particular family which happen to be my boyfriends great grandparents. I waken taken by surprise about it. Obviously I would prefer not to be distantly related. Its a psychological thing that I have to overcome if I can. I would hate to lose him because of this but the mind works in mysterious ways. I am trying to work through my concerns..I'm 42 so the chance of having children is slim. Marriage isn't a priority for me either but I would like the option.

OP posts:
AdmiralCain · 27/09/2021 10:41

I really really wouldn't sweat it, I know first cousins that date, mark labbett married a second cousin, 3rd cousins is nothing, I can't imagine one person raising an eyebrow, the genetic diversity is huge

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 10:48

@Pink2121

Thanks for the replies. It does help to hear different view points. My boyfriend is not bothered about it at all. The great great great grandfather we shared was born approx 200 years ago. It was my father that told me (only recently) that his uncle told him that their was a far out connection with this particular family which happen to be my boyfriends great grandparents. I waken taken by surprise about it. Obviously I would prefer not to be distantly related. Its a psychological thing that I have to overcome if I can. I would hate to lose him because of this but the mind works in mysterious ways. I am trying to work through my concerns..I'm 42 so the chance of having children is slim. Marriage isn't a priority for me either but I would like the option.
It's still not clear to me what your actual concern is, though, OP -- what exactly is the 'psychological thing' that you can't get past? You are likely to share only the tiniest percentage of DNA, so that having a child with your boyfriend isn't a concern from that POV, and marriage to a fourth cousin is completely unproblematic.

What is it that is really bothering you about this? Your strong reaction does suggest you've just discovered you're in some form of incestuous relationship!

SVRT19674 · 27/09/2021 10:54

Non-issue. Enjoy your relationship, that is what you should do. My mum discovered her parents were very distant relatives too. And it was funny as they came from very different parts of the country. We saved the info and moved on.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 27/09/2021 11:01

A happy coincidence rather than a problematic one.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 27/09/2021 11:11

What is it that is really bothering you about this? Your strong reaction does suggest you've just discovered you're in some form of incestuous relationship!

I expect finding out she was related to the man she loves was a shock and probably felt like she was having some form of incestuous relationship. Once that's in your mind you have work at it to let it go.
Some of that work is asking for opinions and advice. Some of it will personal to the OP.
I don't think it's that strange to feel over turned by this sort of news.
Education is the key and I think OP has probably learnt from this thread. Which will hopefully help her.
The word cousin when talking about your partner can make some people instantly feel a bit icky. I know I probably would. But like I said. Education and chatting to other people about it will hopefully ease OPs mind.

Spindrifting · 27/09/2021 11:11

@HarebrightCedarmoon

A happy coincidence rather than a problematic one.
Yes, exactly -- it feels like the kind of thing you'd say 'Oh, how funny/interesting!' about before forgetting it completely, unless you had a major interest in family history.
Peanutsandchilli · 27/09/2021 11:15

I wouldn't have a bloody clue if I walked past my 4th cousin in the street. I don't think it's a problem in the slightest. There must be so many people in relationships with distant relatives that have no idea.

Imatwinmum · 27/09/2021 11:16

Surely a lot of people in the same area are probably 4th cousins? Please don’t be upset OP, it’s nothing.

I remember finding out a lady I worked with was married to her cousin (1st), her name was unusual and didn’t change on marriage. The odd thing was that they really did look alike! Like brother and sister.

EvilPea · 27/09/2021 11:16

@Pink2121

Thanks for the replies. It does help to hear different view points. My boyfriend is not bothered about it at all. The great great great grandfather we shared was born approx 200 years ago. It was my father that told me (only recently) that his uncle told him that their was a far out connection with this particular family which happen to be my boyfriends great grandparents. I waken taken by surprise about it. Obviously I would prefer not to be distantly related. Its a psychological thing that I have to overcome if I can. I would hate to lose him because of this but the mind works in mysterious ways. I am trying to work through my concerns..I'm 42 so the chance of having children is slim. Marriage isn't a priority for me either but I would like the option.
Look on the bright side. Could save on wedding guest numbers. Grin

Sorry op.
I think the important thing is how you feel. It’s “ok”, and is the same (in that respect) as any other relationship. If you like him you continue it, if it’s given you the “ick” and you need to move on. Then you sadly move on (and avoid family reunions)

IDontLikeZombies · 27/09/2021 11:17

MinaPop, me too. City people will never really get having to ask your date who their granny was or the sheer unalloyed joy when a boy from away appeared in the village Grin

lescompagnonsdeloue · 27/09/2021 11:17

Can you articulate what it is that you are worried about?
I think most people would see this as a fun fact, and nothing to get upset about. It's a very, very distant family relationship.

WildfirePonie · 27/09/2021 11:23

Non issue and actually remarkable that you met and got together!

Original poster
Pink2121 · 27/09/2021 11:29

I.am aware that this can be common and that some people are not aware or familiar with their distant cousins. I certainly wasn't. I suppose the "cousin" thing is in my head. I suppose it's only natural to feel a bit different towards your partner once you find out something like this. Not everyone can laugh something off. I appreciate getting the opinions from you all. I think I just need time to process this and maybe in time will forget about it.

OP posts:
ARabbitisaBunny · 27/09/2021 11:30

I have researched my tree, too and discovered my husband and I share common ancestors (c.1750). My paternal grandparents were also distantly related so I think it’s more common than you might think. Something like 75% or so British people are descended from Edward III, so we probably all meet up somewhere along the way!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/09/2021 11:35

Not wanting to denigrate the honour of your ancestors but something like 1 in 10 people are raised by a non biological father.

All it takes is one extra marital bonk and you aren’t related after all….

politics4me · 27/09/2021 11:42

As people say. Not likely to cause genetic problems. Not like the Hapsburgs who married cousins in every generation. One young woman even married her Uncle...Yuk!
For your own peace of mind make sure that the relationship is recorded in your own archive and make any of your children aware, for the future.

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/09/2021 11:42

Objectively i imagine this is actually reasonably common, especially in families who've remained in their local area over time.

It seems more of an issue of how you subjectively feel about it OP rather than a debate of objective rights or wrongs. There isn't anything 'wrong' in it but I think, like you, it would alter how I felt to an extent.

It is what it is unfortunately and will be something only you will know how you honestly feel and what it's changed and why; and whether those things can genuinely be overcome enough that you're having a relationship that doesn't carry an undertone of discomfort for you.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 27/09/2021 11:44

@Mumoftwoinprimary

Not wanting to denigrate the honour of your ancestors but something like 1 in 10 people are raised by a non biological father.

All it takes is one extra marital bonk and you aren’t related after all….

That's a very common genealogy myth.

It's in reality less than 1%.
www.kqed.org/science/11450/new-dna-studies-debunk-misconceptions-about-paternal-relationships

IDontLikeZombies · 27/09/2021 11:49

OP, I did a wee bit of maths and I hope this will reassure you. If you take as a rough average that each person in each generation for the past 200 years has 5 surving children by the time you get to your generation your great, great grand father will have 625 descendants. The generations slip a bit, especially with larger families so there are probably more kicking about. Unless your family has moved areas completely at every generation you will be living among a good amount of them. Throw in that we tend to fancy people who look like our families and I would say we've all been where you are at some point or other.

disco123 · 27/09/2021 11:50

We are all related to each other, if you go back far enough. It's fine.

Briony123 · 27/09/2021 11:51

This might not help (look at how their children turned out!) but you are less related than the Queen and Prince Philip were.

Nopetryagain · 27/09/2021 11:54

Objectively it is really something that shouldn't cause any concern, it is probably really common. No genetic or legal issues.

However, to you this matters. If it has given you the 'ick' you need to take a bit of time to see if you can get over it or not.

I wouldn't make any big decisions until you have processed it a bit. Hopefully it will become something you can just laugh about but if you can't that is fair enough OP.